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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
You want to find the perfect life partner?
It's easy - you just have to BE the perfect life partner.
Now ask yourself how hard you are prepared to work at that. That's how likely you are to realize your dreams. Now wake up. Get real. Start working at it.
One another thing - if your dog hates him/her then they probably are evil. Certainly not worth the effort.
Maybe the way to give up the fantasy romance you have created is to study a little bit closer the real-life ones you observe. For example, it is wonderful and rare that after 35 years of marriage your parents are still in love, but doubtful that their romance has anything in common with the grocery store bodice rippers. Ask real couples you know, both the happy and less than happy ones, what they believe is the secret to romantic love. Chances are it has more to do with being interested and interesting than it does with any formula in a book.
JKerrigan
P.S. To change the story in your mind, change the stories you read!
being happy and fulfilled with your partner is a choice you make. you decide to overlook the annoying and imperfect stuff and rather focus on what you love and appreciate. this gets a positive cycle going in the relationship. and that is the only secret.
whoever you marry is going to have things about them that you don't like. you can focus on those things, or you can choose to celebrate what you do like and put your attention there.
quit reading the romance novels. you need to start telling yourself a different story.
There really is such a thing as a soulmate. There is someone you are destined to be with.
Don't let anyone feed you a New Age line about there being a million possible soul mates out there and it's all a matter of perspective . . . . they're just feeding you a line. Get out of your own way, work on your spiritual development, and you will find the one for you.
I don't think the advice given was rock solid.
First of all, this is a rare and valid example of parents' perfect marriage actually ruining it for the offspring. Offspring are supposed to improve on the first model, right? There's the root of your problem.
I would say enjoy those novels; they provide an outlet the way movies do. you could even laugh at the way it makes it seem realistic (that's what i do with movies: "yeah, right. you're leaving your fiance for someone you just saw walk through the train station for the first time, and the fiance says 'oh well, better luck next time'. Yeah, right...")
enjoy them for what they are, and realise them for that. you haven't said what those relationships have been like. you have to be comfortable with the person and honest about your level of comfort. if they want to stick it out, you'll probably end up with a good one (but not a bodice-ripper-- remember, that's for the hottub reading). I bet you'll find you share some positive relationship traits that even your parents don't have; maybe not better, but different.
Good luck.
PS How old are you? Are you under 30? I bet so...
Beautifully written and precisely to the point. One of my favorite "stories" is when Picasso or another famous painter was speaking with a reporter. In the middle of their conversation he excused himself to paint a picture. After finishing the reporter asked him how much he would sell it for. He said an enormous number to which the reporter replied, "not a bad amount of money for a half an hour of work."
The painter angrily explained that the finished product did not take half an hour, it had taken his entire lifetime.
My husband used to get upset that I read romance novels, because he thought I was looking for something from the heroes that I could not get from him. When we finally talked about it, I was able to reassure him that those books just give me the thrill of a first kiss, first time to make love together, first child, etc., that I will never have again because I have (happily) found one man to spend the rest of my life with. Just as I understand that he occasionally watches porn for the "new and different woman factor". I would much rather him to that than turn to *real* new and different women, and he has learned to accept my fantasy of meeting and loving different men in a way that is not a betrayal of our marriage.
I also read them before I got married, but understood that just as I was not perfect like the heroines in them, it was not realistic to expect real men to be perfect like the heroes. The letter writer needs to come to grips with this fact and learn to enjoy those books *because* they can never come true. I mean, would she really want to go through the trauma that happens in most of them just to get a guy that may be great for 300 pages, but will change and be imperfect over the long haul?
Go out and enjoy the world, and you will meet someone who makes you feel like you do when you read those fantasies, eventually. Just keep your expectations realistic, as you want men to keep them for you.
My experience is that "happily ever after" means finding someone who is ready to build a life, when you are ready, as well. I have been with "Mr. Right Now" for 17 years.
Like LW, I learned about relationships at home. My lessons and role models were different than LW's, though. My mother has been married four times, because she cannot chill out and be accepting of her partner. From this, I learned to dial it down a notch. I don't believe that roses on Valentines Day is a measure of my man's love. Because I do not hold him to some arbitrary standard, I find things to cherish, daily.
I would like to recommend that LW rent the movie "As Good As It Gets". When we are open to people in a general way, we are open to all kinds of love.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
