The LW is a obsessive pain in the ass and her "friend" just wants to distance herself.

Despite what Cary says, there comes a time when being a doormat is not a good idea. Tell your freind you'll be there when she's ready, then get the heck on with your life. She'll either come around or she won't. Either way you'll still be in a great place.

Look, it's high school. Eventually you'll get older, heavier, and you'll realize most of high school was a tremendous waste of time for everyone involved.

Ignore Blackpaw.

You can end your friendship with this angry, confused person who is taking out her anger on everyone around her. You must, actually, or else you will fall into a pattern of being victimized by "friends" who will forever plague you with their neverending issues. Granted, this is a serious one, but really, isn't your own life hard enough? If this girl really wants support she's going to have to learn to seek it and cultivate it properly, not vent her feelings on someone she is training to behave like a doormat.

Friendships are an exchange of positive feelings and feedback and values. If one person stops being able to participate in that exchange for whatever reason, you are fully justified in cutting them off. There is no reason for you to suffer through this person with an ungrateful wretch you takes advantage of you and your parents' hospitality whenever she feels like it.

This will be good practice for you. As a generous person who has had a relatively happy life, you will find that you're a magnet for people who want to make you less happy to improve their own feelings, and to exploit you for what you have to offer and then make you feel bad about offering in the first place. Listen to your gut, your 'want her to go away' feeling. Her problems are not your problems. Consider this an early exercise in setting boundaries and learning to surround yourself with strong, resilient people. Seeds of exploitative false friends are sown very very early. RUN!

Unless, of course, you really DO want to train to be a doormat.

I think Twiceburned's advice is right on the money. You're going to have to lay down some rules that any reasonable friend would and could work within. There are very good reasons your "inner you" is telling you to just "get away." It's called a survival instinct. Listen to it. Heed it. Cary wants you to deny it, because he's an advice columnist, and he has somehow managed to thwart that instinct and now he's an advice columnist. You're not an advice columnist, you're a high school person who needs to find your own way, not figure out your friend's way.

Good luck.

So far we've heard a snide one-liner, a name-caller, and someone whose screen name probably reveals more about the validity of his/her relationship advice than the content of the actual post. Another day of fun on the Cary Tennis letters feature!

The friend of the LW seems to have expressed her fear through some pretty blatant manipulation, but the LW recognizes this and seems already suitably emotionally prepared to be disappointed by any behavior. So I think Cary is right -- because the LW seems genuinely concerned about her friend, she should give a heart-to-heart chat a shot. This friend may think she has nobody to talk to, and the LW exhibits a willingness to walk a mile in her shoes.

If it doesn't work out, fine. She'll know she did her best to help.

Actually with your entry - a commenter who comments on the other commenters - the cast is now assembled!

I actually think twiceburned (I'm guessing she's a she) is probably speaking from experience, and I'm confused about Sansho's assessment - does the fact that someone gives advice from having had a similar experience mean their advice is invalid?

Dear Letter Writer,

When I was in high school, one of my best friends had parents who fought terribly. They lived in a tiny house, with thin walls, and she would hear her father throwing things like glasses and the sound of him hitting her mother, the sound of her mother's cries. I certainly wasn't equipped to offer much help, but I could listen to my friend when she needed to talk, and I think it helped her just to be able to share with someone a tiny bit of what she was going through.

I can tell you are a sensitive person, so I offer a few thoughts you might consider.

Maybe the reason your friend left your birthday party is that she is not feeling very happy and it was hard to be around happy people. Maybe she didn't want to call attention to herself or take away from your moment in the spotlight, so she slipped out quietly, not thinking she'd be noticed. She didn't have the ability to say: "I'm sorry, I am upset, my family sucks and you are so happy -- I can't stay here."

Maybe the reason she broke the rules in your house is because the rules have been broken in her own house. Everything she thought was a sure thing is coming undone. The union of her parents, supposedly 'til death do them part, is filled with bickering. Love, as she knows it, means conflict. This is a powerful, powerful message she will be wrestling with the rest of her life.

Not too many people your age have the ability to give language to big feelings. My guess is, as painful as it may be to you, she is expressing herself the best she can.

The whole scenario with trying to break up your friends who are in a couple is a perfect example. I'm sure she doesn't even understand it consciously, but she may be acting from inarticulate, mixed-up feelings that make her think things like: "What right do these people have to be happy? The couple that I thought would be happy forever, my parents, aren't, why should anyone else be?"

What a hard, lonely place she is in. At least with siblings, you have a witness, you can look at each other knowingly, you can take care of each other, you can even be mean to each other. But she doesn't have anyone.

And here you are, wanting to be a friend, and now, maybe not wanting to be her friend anymore. Your feelings are hurt. When I read your letter and came to the part where she called you to talk, I thought maybe she was finally going to take a chance and open up a bit. But when you met, you immediately launched into your list of grievances. You were righteous, perhaps a bit afraid. You didn't give her a chance. Instead, you shut her down. No wonder she walked away. Her stuff is too big, too big for her to understand, and way too big next to your practical list of her misbehaviors.

I'm with Cary. I think it's worth it to be there for your friend. It's at least worth it to reach out and see what happens, before making any decisions about giving up on her. Perhaps you could call her and apologize for being so quick to speak about why you were upset with her. You could say something like, "I obviously have no idea what things are like for you right now, but I can tell you are having a hard time and I am here if you'd like to talk to someone." Sometimes just letting someone know your door is open is a good place to begin. I think Cary's idea of picking a place for a private conversation is an excellent one.

Back when I was in high school, my "gang" of friends became a group of people with not necessarily happy home lives, but we were smart and funny, and even if we weren't able to talk about our deepest hurts, we found ways to laugh at the world. There's comfort in companionship and inside jokes.

And to the other people who have written in so far, come on. These are teenage girls. It's an emotional time. We can't just abandon people when they are in trouble.