Letters to the Editor
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so many wrongs to right, so little time
Dear LW,
Do not mistake loyalty for anything but the refuge of a scoundrel.
Do not assume that your knowledge of past indiscretions...ok, fucking around...will be well-received by the wife. On the contrary, she may be the last person who wants to know the truth.
Cary has a point, but it will only work in lalaland...neither your ex-best friend nor his wife (and now a mother) are going to be the least bit delighted that you're stepping in to solve everyone's problem and be such the best friend while doing it. You'll be a homewrecker, you'll have ruined her life, his, and the child's.
Your friend made it clear he doesn't want you around. Take the hint. They're adults. Let them sort out their own issues.
Look, I know of which I speak. I've been privy to married couples where one or the other came out. I knew, but it wasn't my place to say. Nothing I could have said or done would have helped. I saw others who tried to be helpful: they got it from both sides for messing about where they were not welcome. Look, do you want some do-gooder following you about calling you on every issue?
I didn't think so.
Take Paul McCartney's advice. Let it be.
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He's gay?????
It is a leap to assume John is gay because the LW heard that John once had sex with a man right before he was married, and that this is information the wife now needs to know. We (and Cary) and the LW have no other information about John's married sexual habits or preferences.
I say that if he really wants to help and feels kindness toward his old friend, the LW can write John a letter forgiving the hate letter and offering to pick up their friendship where they left off. Perhaps a reconciliation might lead to conversations that can heal them both, especially if, as Cary assumes, John is gay. If no response, then let it go. You have no current information, and thus, no role to play.
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stop projecting your self-loathing onto your ex-friend
Look, you hate yourself. Get help. It's OK, many gays have to come to terms with who they are and that it really is OK to be gay. But please stop this faux-helpful attitude when what you wanna be is just catty and fuck up his marriage because he's dissed you. Look, all those tiny issues were deal-breakers for him. You don't get to live in his head and decide what he was thinking when he wrote the letter.
Are you out? Did you announce your sexuality the moment you figured it out? If not, imagine a "best friend" who decided to be "helpful" and tell your family and friends because ultimately it would be healing for everyone to know the truth.
Yeah, I didn't think you'd like that.
So take your own advice and just stfu about his past indiscretions. Don't you have enough to worry about trying to run your own life?
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Bad idea
IF the LW wants to resurrect the friendship for the sake of friendship, that's worth a try. The other stuff is none of his business, especially since he is not in contact with the couple and doesn't know their relationship. It seems likely that the wife knows plenty.
If the friend blew the LW off because he knew too much, I can't imagine that the friend is going to take any unsolicited advice from LW about the marriage.
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If the friend blew the LW --psyprof
But evidently he didn't, and at the risk of sounding like Beavis and Butthead...therein lies the issue. Methinks LW wants to do some knob bobbing and is just plain jealous. I bet what triggered the letter was LW's rebuffed offer to provide some extramaritial sex aids...no pun intended.
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Timing
A few years have passed??
If there was a time to tell Jane, it was before they got married. It sounds like the LW knew about the gay sex incident before the wedding, and he still endorsed their union as the best man.
Then, after the friendship-ending letter, the LW didn't respond for (his words) "a few years." And now he thinks he should resume contact to tell Jane about something that happened years ago?
LW, I'm not sure why you suddenly feel the need to act, but I'm guessing it has more to do with you than with him. If you really cared about Jane, you would have been moved to tell her years ago -- before she married John and gave birth to his child.
If you were writing this letter before the wedding, I would advise you to tell him, "Either you tell Jane or I will." -- but it's far too late.
If the husband is gay (which is not a fact -- he could be bisexual, or he could have been curious once) it's no longer your business. If you really, honestly feel a need to be helpful, you could resume contact with your friend, and see how they're doing. You could offer your support to your friend, and let him confide in you, if he chooses. But as it stands, you don't even know for sure that he's gay.
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Yes-- I wish someone had told me sooner
This is an ex-wife speaking. An ex who wasted the best years of her life trying to figure out what was wrong with her that the husband was so distant. I was led to believe it was my fault. When I received a phone call, the pieces all fell into place. By that time, after 20 years, he finally got tired of trying to run me off and left me. I would still be doubting myself if someone had not called me. I am an intelligent woman whose self esteem was in the gutter. It is possible to not realize what the sneaky cheat is doing. No, I didn't know. She doesn't know, either, most likely, and it will be much easier on her to start over now than when one of her sons is thirteen. I have been to hell and back--and my child still has issues. Men, if you're gay, for God's sake don't get married and use a woman for a cover-up. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of; being a liar who ruins another person's life is.