If the LW recasts this relationship in his mind as a woman who has put him in the role of parenting her, he'll see that the appropriate responses are what you'd do for a troubled teenager. He understands that needs to become unmarried to her first -- and that of course means no sexual contact -- and then with the expectations clarified, he can continue to help her move away from him as positively as possible. She needs a solid peer group, she needs to understand what *works* in her, and then she needs to make decisions about who she wants to be. They probably do need separate households.

I think this will satisfy both his sense of responsibility but also allow him the ability to make his own space.

Unlike Cary I'm willing to take at face value the idea that the LW is comfortable with the decision that the marriage is over, but is now too depressed himself to be able to act upon it. It's likely - as Cary mentioned - that he'll need to develop support for himself at the same time, if only to deal with the reality that he can only protect his son up to a point.

For once I have to say that I think Mr. Tennis is wrong, wrong, wrong.

This child currently has no parents. One is addicted to alcohol the other is addicted to the alcoholic. Childhood is short, and there is no more time for fucking around in this case.

Dad needs to make a firm, unnegotiable decision to give he and his son an opportunity to find a functional relationship. He needs to proceed quickly, and without remorse or looking back. He needs to hire an expert custody evaluator to determine what, if any, contact mom can have with the son.

The damage being done now is irreversible, and the child can only hope to learn to live with those scars. Too much longer and there will be no hope.

Move on Dad. Be strong for your son. Ignore Cary.

Parents who think it’s always best to keep the family together trouble me. I can tell you from experience that its not. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and an enabling mother. My mother stuck by my father through everything, including drunken car accidents and near-bankruptcy. I witnessed it all and it still affects me today. Would it have been better if they had divorced? It certainly could not have been worse. Perhaps if they had divorced, I could have dealt with the trauma earlier than in my 20's and 30's when the realization of how difficult my childhood was finally hit me.

The LW’s current situation is harming the child. He should do what he can to remove the child from the situation and get the child psychological counseling to deal with the mental illness and divorce.

The idea that older children deal better with family problems than younger children is wrong. Younger children are less apt to blame the situation on themselves. They also have more developmental steps ahead of them to grow through after they are removed from the trauma.

The guy asks for help on how to get out of an abusive marriage to an alcoholic who regularly abandons her family. In addition, the husband acknowledges that he fears he may hurt his wife while in a rage about her abusive behavior. Cary advises him to try to work on the marriage a little longer. Simply amazing.

I have to ask what Mr. Tennis' qualifications are for writing an advice column. If he is a licensed therapist his license should be revoked based on this column alone, because the advice he gives to this man is not simply wrong, it's dangerous. In any situation where one partner expresses fear that he may actually hurt the other, it is past time to separate. I hope that Leg is reading this: LEG- YOU NEED TO SEPARATE FROM HER NOW. If you don't, you may very well be in a situation where your son has no one because you have killed or seriously injured your abusive wife and you go to prison. Call a divorce lawyer, if you can't afford a lawyer contact legal aid or some organization like alcoholics anonymous and ask them to refer you to someone who can help.

You also need to get help for your own issues. You are co-dependent and you need to seek help for that problem. It is not normal or acceptable to have urges or fantasies of committing acts of physical violence against your spouse and there is no reason it needs to continue. It is not normal to believe that you are responsible for another adult's well-being. Through counseling and therapy you can repair the damage that was done to you by your own dysfunctional family and begin to live a happy and emotionally healthy life. When you understand your co-dependent behavior you will realize that it is not your responsibility to ensure that your wife gets a job, has a place to live or deals with her alcoholism.

As for your living situation- if you own your house throw her out and change the locks. If you rent, inform your landlord that you and your son are moving out and you will no longer be on the lease. If he gives you a problem do a web search for local tenant associations and find out what your rights are.

Regardless of Cary's misguided advice, this problem will never get any better as long as the two of you are together, because your wife is perfectly happy with the situation as it exists. You are the one who realizes that this situation is not normal or healthy and that you need to put a stop to it. Don't doubt that instinct, because it is correct. Your son will be far more harmed if you stay then if you take him and leave. Indeed, staying with her will only perpetuate this cycle of dysfunction, codependency and substance abuse and will make it likely that his life plays out exactly the same way. Don't do that to him.