Letters to the Editor
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Cary writes a LeCastor-length post just to say he has nothing to say.
At least her posts are funny. Not on purpose, but still... (That's an ellipsis. Ask her about it sometime. It's quicker than Ambien.)
Look, this "letter" was written by Brightstar in a lucid moment. Somewhere is a guy laughing his ass off because he managed to work in every trite stereotype and now he's going to sit back and watch the every-expanding flame war that "letters" has become. The "and I consider myself a feminist" was the dead giveaway.
Let's just sit back and watch Salon's ad revenue cha-ching because it's hits to the site that increase revenue. Why else put up with the silliness that passes for commentary in these letters? Remember, no one ever went broke underestimating Americans' intelligence.
Cary, get a grip. Then get an editor. Not Joan, she's busy being schitzo between honest journalism and I-Hate-Caitlin fluff.
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Surprise: Feminist doesn't understand man (even though they are supposed to be simple)
But in fact, this case is easy. He flirted with you b/c he wanted the companionship after his personal losses. He was not interested in the sex. You write:
"By the way, the physical attraction factor is not at issue here."
Really? And you know this how? He was walking around with wood all day long?
Face it, he wasn't attracted to you. Even though your fabulous. (It's not always about big boobs.)
Then you initiated the physical contact anyway by holding his hand. That is a practice recommended by feminists:
"You can be the man! Why wait for him to do it? Make the first move!"
In real life: Men HATE women who usurp gender roles.
HATE IT ... HATE IT ... HATE IT
(Unless we paid for a dominatrix)
So that was the nail in your coffin.
To conclude: He led you on for the company. He didn't want the sex. And he's not attracted to you.
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Fake Letter
Read the first letter of each word. They spell:
B-R-I-M-S-T-O-K-E-R
M-A-O-G-W-A-H
W-H-A
Okay, nevermind. But still.... gotta be a fake.
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so much for sticking to the manifesto
A man who does not want you to be a "fuck buddy".
A man who enjoys friendship without sexual tension.
A man who respects you enough to not count hours on the phone as meaningful time in the bank justifying sex when you finally occupy the same space.
A man who has just been divorced and might actually need some space.
A man who didn't spend the weekend bitching about his divorce and his ex.
A man who thinks coming on too strong right away is not a good thing.
Until I read this letter I thought all these aforementioned traits were what women in general and feminists specifically had every right to expect in a man.
If this letter isn't a fake it was written by a woman who needs to be taken to the shed by her sisters to be bitch-slapped so hard that when she wakes up her clothes will be out of style. (No, Patricia Schwartz, you don't get an apology for that comparison. Get over it. Try changing yourself instead of the rest of the world.)
P.S.--I predict Cary's female fan club will suddenly decide this is actually a fake letter. It has to be, otherwise they've been talking bullshit all this time.
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I Don't Understand Men - nor does Cary!
OK - I know men are very sensitive creatures, but in exchange for us not continually brow-beating you for every feeling - we should be able to expect men to be up front when they either 1) change their minds about their feeling or 2) Freak out. Your writer was not wrong for expecting some "heat" in his visit. If you polled 100 people and gave them the set up to the weekend (including as many of his friends as you could find) 99 would likely be VERY surprised that he planned a weekend with her after months of flirty chit chat and then HE acted offended that she thought some naughtiness was in store. If the roles were reversed SHE would be a terrible tease and labeled as such. Your writer deserved more than being told to go find a lover. This was not a failure on her part - I am really disappointed that you choose such a funky path for someone who looked to you for some gender insight.
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Signs
LW--I am one of these feminists, referred to lovingly by "the pigtail pullers on the playground" (the few boys here in Salonville who demand negative attention).
Even though I'm all about women taking action, I know that courtship is a little dance you do. (I know--trite--but good trite). You read the signs and signals. You step here, you adjust there. You move forward here, you pause there. It's fun that way, I think for both parties.
After the platonic weekend you sent him a present. That's where you needed to pause, in a big way. Before the present. And then pause for good. I hate to sound mean, but the present thing just seemed dorky to me, like you weren't paying attention to where all the feet were in the dancing. Sure, it's cool to send a person a present, but this wasn't any person. You had designs on him.
He's not into you as a lover it seems, and Cary, meaning well, over explained it, belabored the point.
Move along. When it works, it works and you know it.
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mm provides a candyass reply
A man acts says no to sex and he's a jerk, or probably gay.
A man instigates sex and he's a Duke lacrosse rapist.
You beg for sensitivity and when you get it you actually wanted to be abused.
You get abused and you want to lock up all men.
Visit www.orlandosentinel.com and read Kathleen Parker's column today.
Your bullshit approach has real-world consequences. Not for you, of course.
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Holding Hands
Guess what, NNG. I reached for my boyfriend's hand first (on our second date), and he's stuck around for almost a year now. And not because I tied him to the futon, either. So much for your silly-ass "Rules Girl" Rules.
As for the LW's problem, what she's asking is, "How did I misread this guy so badly?" Honey, it's not your fault. Some folks just enjoy being seductive, and don't even realize they're doing it until someone crushes on them who they didn't necessarily want crushing on them. It's happened to me. It's happened to most people I know -- male, female; gay, straight or slightly bent; fat, skinny and in-between. There's just a whole lotta passive aggression out there, most people figure to get that pie in the face sooner or later.
Personally, I think this guy's a loser. If he was uncomfortable with your behavior while he was with you, why didn't he say so then? It's not like you were on a first date, you've known him for years. At least then you two could have had a dialogue about it and maybe learned something, instead of you wasting valuable woman-hours trying to divine his motivations. (As silly as I think that HJNTIY book is, there was one useful tidbit in it, the one that said any guy who doesn't think you're the greatest isn't even worth discussing. Damn straight!)
Cary's right, you need to let this guy alone and find yourself someone who doesn't need to be convinced of your crushworthiness.