Perhaps the problem is that the LW is trying to be so considerate of others opinions and so non-confrontational (how UU does that sound?) that she is not seeing how big a problem this can become. As soon as a parent hears about this woman's sexual fantasies, all hell's going to break lose. Even UU parents have their limits. If she can't talk to the other teacher directly, go straight to the committee. Don't let this one woman without boundaries ruin the whole program ('cuz I think OWL is a good program if it's done correctly).

It seems to me the focus should be on the kids rather than the social sensitivities of the adults involved in teaching the course. In my opinion, the teacher described is being persistently inappropriate and the fact she seems to privilege relating her own experiences over answering the children's queries indicates she is indeed using the class primarily as a sounding board.

Saying that, as another letter writer noted, this behaviour indicates she may herself be unstable and unable to discern the appropriate boundaries. Therefore I agree with those who suggested she should not be initially approached. I personally would try to come to a consensus (if possible) with the other teachers then take it to the next level of authority.

Cary is right in saying that if the parents hear of this teacher's problematic methods there is a risk of the class being shut down or otherwise curtailed--which would be the worst thing for the kids involved. The second worst thing would be to allow this woman's monologues to further unsettle teenagers who may already have their own insecurities around sex--insecurities which are not being addressed in her class.

Should I put my underwear on before my pants or after? Should I eat breakfast? What happens if I forget to breath? It sounds like a bunch of 13 year olds are running the class as well as teaching it. Grow up and speak to people like an adult. You shouldn't need an advice column to help you be a grown up.

My word, I've never seen such an enclave of folks as knowledgable about UU educational practices this side of my wife's Quaker Meeting......

Volunteer roles, whether in a liberal church or a conservative think tank, do draw out the crazies. The woman in question has, for whatever deepseated reason, a poor set of boundaries. Personal use of anectdotes about one's own life experiences is more than wildly inappropirate, given the age difference between the teacher and the student. I don't think any personal story by any teacher in that setting is appropriate, and creating such a construct makes the boundary violation quite clear. In fact, I can't imagine why the woman in question would find it useful, liberating or functionally effective to describe her sexual escapades, however benign the specific content may be.

I also doubt that this woman has the self-awareness to understand precisely what she is doing; she may not be aware that she is transcending appropriate lines of discussion. Her behavior is emotionally reckless, but also quite obtuse. I suspect she is trying to be "modern", "liberal" and just "one of the kids", but in fact, she is domineering, controlling and violating, albeit only in verbal fashion.

My guess is that the concerned teacher has two choices; one is to create a consensually accepted definition of boundaries for the teachers leading this course material, thus making the establishment of guidelines an objective, rather than subjective, discussion. If she protests or disagrees, then the issue can be openly and directly discussed. The other alternative is to sustain a very private discussion with this woman, providing her with the opportunity to deal with the material privately. My hunch is that this woman's rather flagrent inappropriate presentation of her sexual history in tidbit form hides a significant amount of shame affect. The very public discussion of guidelines sees to it that this woman's behavior is not singled out; a very private one provides her with an opportunity to discharge her shame privately, rather than having it grow exponentially in some group setting were the group setting to be used to discuss her specific behavior.

In any case, this woman's behavior needs to be checked, even to the point (if she refuses to shift her ways) of asking her to provide service in some other venue. What she is doing borders on covert/verbal sexual abuse. If this is, indeed, a UU setting, someone is going to have to take up the authoritarian role so detested within the context of consensual decision-making and deal with this woman's behavior on an organizational level.

Do we have to listen to yet another round of waffling rooted in cultural relativism (this time the culture of what is presumed to be the Unitarian Church)? When is this practice of comparing possible reasons for bad behavior going to become passe among the ultra-hip? For god's sake, the woman in question (not the LW, the one she's writing about) has some major problems. Teens aren't made uncomfortable about discussions of sex - they are made uncomfortable by inappropriate and off-color discussions of sex, when said discussions are led and fed by an adult! Does it have to be complicated? Am I nuts for even asking? Of course it does, because we gotta respect all the possible sensitivities involved here, never mind doing the Right Thing. That would be so WRONG!

And yeah, why would this LW W her L to an advice columnist instead of taking the matter directly to the people who are involved? Of course the answer is that whatever church she's involved with,it's pretty clear social stability trumps moral (!) responsibility. As one of the other respondents suggested, perhaps the LW ought to bring a big-ass dildo in for show and tell. If she's uncertain how to deal with what she clearly sees as a problem then she may as well join in and play awready! Kee-rist!

I agree with the other letter writers who said that 1) these are probably Unitarians we're talking about, and 2) the teacher with the poor boundaries may well have a personality disorder. Whereas people in a more conservative sort of church might not hesitate to shut down someone whose behavior is deemed inappropriate, many Unitarian Universalists tend to be more wary about judging the behavior of others--particularly that of fellow Unitarians.

I grew up in the Unitarian church. The *primary* reason I have no desire to attend as an adult is that as a child I was repeatedly subject/witness to inappropriate behavior by adults that was observed by other adults who failed to intervene. I felt unsafe and violated. Kids need and like boundaries (even as they test them). A sex education course for children shouldn't be pornographic. Those kids are a captive audience for her inappropriate behavior. LW, do whatever you must to stop her. You will have to supply the boundaries for her. If she gets nasty when confronted and subsequently disrupts the class, relieve her of her teaching duties. I urge you to forget about tiptoeing around her in an effort to preserve "religious community." The kids are more important than her right to exhibitionism.