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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
If you do talk to this teacher, I think you should emphasize the importance of answering the kids' questions each week. You could do this by suggesting before class that the questions are really important to the kids, reminding her to reserve enough time. Or, if you're in the classroom, perhaps you could point out, "Hey, it's about time for the questions." If she is forced to answer the questions, this will ensure that at least some of the class time is not spent on her sex life. (She might make the questions about her, but at least she's addressing their concerns.)
As for her boundary issues, that's more difficult. It sounds like she has an inappropriate desire for her students to see her as a sexual person -- it could be coming from a creepy place, or from an honest belief that if she talks to the students like peers, they will be more willing to take her seriously.
The most important thing is to watch the reaction of the students: If the students seem uncomfortable, her method is not working, and for their sake she should be reigned in. If her "inappropriate" disclosures prompt the students to be more honest about their own feelings, then maybe it's not so bad. You and the other teachers can represent adult/authority figures, while she fills a different role.
When I was a teenager, I had strong connections with adult mentors who treated me, perhaps inappropriately, like a peer. Those relationships helped me, because I was the type of kid who resented authority and hated being "taught" like a child. Getting to know them as friends allowed me to learn from them, and I became a more stable, productive person because of their example. But it worked because while these adults were candid with me, they weren't creepy. They never would have told me they had a fantasy about me, or about anyone my age.
Try to figure out how the students feel about her. If they think she's cool, it might be an okay situation. If she makes them uncomfortable, it's time to step in. And either way, make sure she gets to the questions -- it's so hard for kids to write them down, even anonymously. Make sure they are rewarded with respectful answers.
sex-ed and committees scream to me of unitarian universalist youth.
back in my UU adolescence we had an adult advisor with major boundary issues. despite little pep talks and other non-confrontational discussions things never got better, and eventually way too many boundaries were crossed (i'll leave that up to your imaginations). as a youth on the district youth-adult committee, i spent much time dealing with the fallout of this one adult woman's behavior. it's not really an appropriate role for a teenager.
looking back to it, i believe church adults really should have put the kibosh on this woman before things got so out of control. teenagers just don't have enough life experience to deal with misbehaving adults - especially those in authority positions. it will be difficult for them to draw boundaries too.
i suggest waiting until the current class is over, then approaching your religious education minister/director and finding out how he or she would like to handle the problem. i think most RE directors are trained to handle exactly this type of situation.
I agree with the other letter writers who said that 1) these are probably Unitarians we're talking about, and 2) the teacher with the poor boundaries may well have a personality disorder. Whereas people in a more conservative sort of church might not hesitate to shut down someone whose behavior is deemed inappropriate, many Unitarian Universalists tend to be more wary about judging the behavior of others--particularly that of fellow Unitarians.
I grew up in the Unitarian church. The *primary* reason I have no desire to attend as an adult is that as a child I was repeatedly subject/witness to inappropriate behavior by adults that was observed by other adults who failed to intervene. I felt unsafe and violated. Kids need and like boundaries (even as they test them). A sex education course for children shouldn't be pornographic. Those kids are a captive audience for her inappropriate behavior. LW, do whatever you must to stop her. You will have to supply the boundaries for her. If she gets nasty when confronted and subsequently disrupts the class, relieve her of her teaching duties. I urge you to forget about tiptoeing around her in an effort to preserve "religious community." The kids are more important than her right to exhibitionism.
Do we have to listen to yet another round of waffling rooted in cultural relativism (this time the culture of what is presumed to be the Unitarian Church)? When is this practice of comparing possible reasons for bad behavior going to become passe among the ultra-hip? For god's sake, the woman in question (not the LW, the one she's writing about) has some major problems. Teens aren't made uncomfortable about discussions of sex - they are made uncomfortable by inappropriate and off-color discussions of sex, when said discussions are led and fed by an adult! Does it have to be complicated? Am I nuts for even asking? Of course it does, because we gotta respect all the possible sensitivities involved here, never mind doing the Right Thing. That would be so WRONG!
And yeah, why would this LW W her L to an advice columnist instead of taking the matter directly to the people who are involved? Of course the answer is that whatever church she's involved with,it's pretty clear social stability trumps moral (!) responsibility. As one of the other respondents suggested, perhaps the LW ought to bring a big-ass dildo in for show and tell. If she's uncertain how to deal with what she clearly sees as a problem then she may as well join in and play awready! Kee-rist!
My word, I've never seen such an enclave of folks as knowledgable about UU educational practices this side of my wife's Quaker Meeting......
Volunteer roles, whether in a liberal church or a conservative think tank, do draw out the crazies. The woman in question has, for whatever deepseated reason, a poor set of boundaries. Personal use of anectdotes about one's own life experiences is more than wildly inappropirate, given the age difference between the teacher and the student. I don't think any personal story by any teacher in that setting is appropriate, and creating such a construct makes the boundary violation quite clear. In fact, I can't imagine why the woman in question would find it useful, liberating or functionally effective to describe her sexual escapades, however benign the specific content may be.
I also doubt that this woman has the self-awareness to understand precisely what she is doing; she may not be aware that she is transcending appropriate lines of discussion. Her behavior is emotionally reckless, but also quite obtuse. I suspect she is trying to be "modern", "liberal" and just "one of the kids", but in fact, she is domineering, controlling and violating, albeit only in verbal fashion.
My guess is that the concerned teacher has two choices; one is to create a consensually accepted definition of boundaries for the teachers leading this course material, thus making the establishment of guidelines an objective, rather than subjective, discussion. If she protests or disagrees, then the issue can be openly and directly discussed. The other alternative is to sustain a very private discussion with this woman, providing her with the opportunity to deal with the material privately. My hunch is that this woman's rather flagrent inappropriate presentation of her sexual history in tidbit form hides a significant amount of shame affect. The very public discussion of guidelines sees to it that this woman's behavior is not singled out; a very private one provides her with an opportunity to discharge her shame privately, rather than having it grow exponentially in some group setting were the group setting to be used to discuss her specific behavior.
In any case, this woman's behavior needs to be checked, even to the point (if she refuses to shift her ways) of asking her to provide service in some other venue. What she is doing borders on covert/verbal sexual abuse. If this is, indeed, a UU setting, someone is going to have to take up the authoritarian role so detested within the context of consensual decision-making and deal with this woman's behavior on an organizational level.
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