Jesus Christ, get a real problem . . .

The LW seems to think she has the the right to complain, gossip and slander without ever taking respsonsibility for addressing her concerns in a mature, adult way -- that is, by taking up the subject in a nonconfrontational way with the teacher in question. I'm not sure to what degree the students a) are being victimized or made to feel uncomfortable by teacher the behavior the LW describes and/or b) losing out on a good sex education - the LW's anecdoes don't really support that either of these things are happening rather, the LW's anecdotes suppport that *she* is uncomfortable, and another colleage apparently agrees with her (though not to the point where he soliciited the LW's ideas on how to address the situation - so perhaps he was just agreeing ot be nice, and sees no imminent danger).

What is it with people who make serious accusations - so often they don't want to face the person they are accusing, but wish instead to hide behind authority figures, committes, a system. For heaven's sake, the LW is basically complaining that this teacher is immature; but the LW's method for dealing with this - talk to all the other teachers, talk to the committee....in effect, *tattle* rather than simply talk to the teacher herself - is just as immature.

It doesn't have to be a confrontation. She can ask to get togethe with all of the teachers to have a monthly rap session appraising what teaching techniques seem to be most effective with the kids. There are many ways to introduce the subject of the appropriate use of personal experience - for example,it would be easy enough to find a text or expert supporting the notion that children have fewer conceptions of appropriate boundaries than do adults, and so therefore adults in mentoring positions should probably avoid discussing their personal life in what might be perceived as a titillating manner...that it would be best to make points using anecdotes featuring similarly aged children from, say, well-known tv shows, movies and books.

What the LW is proposing - going around and getting a quorum to agree w/ her complaint and then censure the teacher - is unnecessarily destructive and is sure to fan the flames of defensiveness and resentment. Surely these more formal measures should be reserved for when discussions, suggestions, admonitions and criticisms have failed.

This is not unlike the LW a few weeks ago who chose to email her cube mate about her phone conversations, then escalated by going to HR and management -- without ever once sitting down and just *talking* about the perceived issue. There is more than a touch of the self-righteous in this approach - as if being offended justifies character assassination over simple discourse.

Why not bring a dildo to the next class and really show them how it's used?

OK, is that too far for you? Or not far enough? Who gets to draw the line? Why is it you? How do you know any of the teens are embarrassed? Did they tell you directly? And what makes you think teens aren't normally embarrassed whenever they have to listen or discuss such issues in front of anyone? Can't you remember how awkward all this was when you were a teen? Why do you write a letter to a complete stranger about sexual mores, but you can't seem to talk to the adult you know sitting next to you? And why are you ashamed to admit you're a Unitarian Universalist and the program is OWL: Our Whole Lives?

Because more often than not (to be more blunt it's more like ALWAYS, in my experience) people like this with serious boundary issues have serious personality disorders, or are at least pretty far down that path, and you just can't deal with them like adults because in many ways they just aren't. They're like FIVE in a lot of ways and they need an authority figure to intervene (and often enough that doesn't work either). I've dealt with far too many five year olds in adult bodies in the last few years (working in an art school) and .... they don't listen and you can't reason with them. Rain on their parade and they get mean. So take it easy on this LW, this isn't an easy problem to deal with.

The last few answers pretty much take the cake!

I don't know either why the LW isn't talking it over with people closer to home, rather than emailing a columnist. Perhaps she doesn't want to talk about it with people who would know who she's talking about, precisely out of respect for the other teacher, until she's figured out how to approach the question.

As it happens I agree that a getting the teachers together for an informal discussion/lunch where they talk about what teaching techniques work or don't work is a very good idea, and the kind of idea the LW was probably hoping to gather in this forum.

It is not a crime to run out of ideas yourself and hope to get a few from other sources. It is not a crime, either, to talk over a situation anonymously when it embarrasses you or when you're afraid it might embarrass someone else. Quite the contrary.

Note to WTFIYP: not naming the church doesn't prove that she's ashamed of it. It wasn't necessary information. The LW did us the favour of going straight to the problem with minimal extraneous data.

if you can't take a joke, take a train

no one said it was a crime

One of the great limitations of an advice column is that you only get one perspective on the situation, and you are forced to take the words of the letter-writer at face-value. My preliminary advice would be for the person seeking advice would be to reflect a bit on their own motivations for singling out their attention on this person. This suspicion may be misplaced, but just for a moment I might point out that the part about confiding in the other teacher that you "feel very close to" might be read as you going to a friend to have your opinion validated or to recruit an ally, rather than seek an objective opinion. Also, as far as the unanswered questions in the question box, cant you or someone else assert themselves ten minutes before you finish class to address them? There are three other teachers.

Now, having taken care of some of the caveats, it _does_ sound to me like this woman has boundary issues. As far as whether the comments embarrassed the students, you really have to be there to get an accurate read on the situation. It depends on the exact contents of what was said, the nature of the specific kids in question, the woman in question, and their mutual relationship.

Also, it should be mentioned that sex is a very touchy subject (heh heh) and when it comes to talking about it with other people's 13-year old children, a little discretion goes a long way. Most health educators Ive been in the presence of may joke about things a little, or tell a story or two, but they also seem to take exceptional care to make sure they establish some line of intimacy that doesn't get crossed.

So, basically, talk to all of the other teachers about your concerns with the question box, and tread lightly but talk directly to the woman in question. If she responds reasonably, problem solved (for the most part). If she is inclined to act up following a confrontation [in a way that adversely affects the teaching of the class, or the working relationship of the teaching group], the other teachers will have little choice but to address her. The committee should be an absolute last resort-- it would be embarrassing for her, and it seems unlikely as well that the desire of the group for consensus wouldn't be able to successfully moderate a disagreement.