Didn't you listen to anything your mother told you?

And say that this man is too messed up to keep around. He's sponging off you and won't let you see anyone else, yet won't commit to a "serious relationship"!?!

If you're fucking and living together, that's about as serious as it gets short of the piece of paper saying you're married. He is messed up beyond belief. And why didn't this bum marry the mother of his FIVE kids? Serious emotional and mental issues, and if that isn't a clear sign he can't commit to anything, I don't know what is.

Cary's answer is retarded. This guy is a complete loser. Make him pay rent if he's living with you!

Sheesh, women will fall for anything. This guy gets a free place to live, sex, and female companionship with no responsibility. He is USING you.

let alone a basic moral code of self-respect. Very convenient set-up so you can soft-pedal some New Age babble about what feels right. That's been so convenient for men since the 60's. Half a century later and that line still allows us access to the one and only storage space that matters to us men.

Friends let you store stuff in their basement. Friends let you crash at their place until they get back on their feet. Friends offer tea and sympathy. Friends even loan money once in awhile. But sensible friends, mature friends, friends with self-respect don't loan out their vaginas and then wonder why they've earned the derogatory nickname "fuck buddy."

Shame on you, Cary. The LW's fuck buddy loves your advice, though. He gets what he wants for free.

Don't listen to the previous letter posters. They're just lonely haters. They say the same things over and over: unsolicited judgmental misogynistic and misandrist home-spun insultig 18th century "wisdom."

Cary's right, listen to him. You say the relationship is fulfilling -- just put some boundaries on what you want to do with this guy until (if ever) it gets "serious."

He said he doesn't want a serious relationship, the LW doesn't want to live with someone without a commitment. I think the LW knows full well what she should do, she just doesn't want to admit it to herself (it's hard to do that, I sympathize!).

Tell him to move out. She should probably keep her own dating options as well while she continues the relationship. This can be done maturely and calmly. But too bad if he doesn't like it. She doesn't have to put up with his emotional limitations if she doesn't want to (she didn't marry him afterall). And screw looking "unattractive" - she knows what she needs, go for it.

By the way, the reasoning of not leaving him because of their similar cultural backgrounds and the limited pool in this country screams of Settling, with a capital S.

Oh yeah. Really, if he didn't marry the mother of his five children, you've got to wonder if he's going to marry someone he says he can't be serious with.

Cary,

Your "advice" is just babble. It makes no sense and is unhelpful. Embrace her culture? Have some zen-like wisdom? Puh-lease. She's entitled to have what she wants out of a relationship and needs to kick his butt out until and unless he's ready for something "serious"-- not just be happy with whatever crumbs he tosses her way while she supports him. The real question is how did she get in this situation in the first place?

This man will not commit! You already know that. (He probably fed that "not serious" line to his baby mamma until the third came along.) It has worked for him, and since you're not likely to be dependent on him but vice versa, it could theoretically (for him) work indefinitely on you. You're settling - do not. Tell him you can be his friend while he gets his shit together but you will NOT be strung along. Go to the mirror and convince yourself you are absolutely sure you want to be available only to other available men. This guy won't take much persuading. Men like this know how to use anger to cow you into either keeping them happy the easiest way possible (i.e. falling into line) or else lead you to think they're hinting at something "more" without actually saying anything real.

Oh, and never mind LeCastor. I have always seen her responses as the #1, 2, or 3 defender of masculine privilege, with equally-doled out vengeance against feminine privilege. She thinks she's a crusader but she usually just paints with a big broad bitchy brush.

No commitment means he an see whoever he wants.

It's hard to be with someone who wants no commitment when you want one. If you let him get in the habit of being there, then you, LW, deprive yourself of the ability to meet a man who does want a commitment.

Men don't usually lie about this. If he says he doesn't want a commitment, believe him.

There's plenty of good men out there,even in Carribean culture. This man is "not that into you". Be open to one who is.

We women forget it is NOT our job to "soften his blow" or "heal him".

Besides, he spent 17 years with another woman WITHOUT a commitment. Don't you deserve better than that? You sound like you are compassionate and lovely.

Bottom line: you deserve better than this. Don't let him get use to using you for convenience. Right now, you are a convenience.

In the words of my husband "A real man can take care of himself". Find a man who can take care of himself.

What jumped out at me most from this letter was when LW described that she didn't want to be one of "those gals" who wonders where things are going, and that she is hesitant to give an ultimatum because it's "unattractive." I sympathize with her desire not to be "that woman" -- that demanding, shrewish woman who will drive men away with her desperate need for commitment and of course end up bitter and alone. It's easy to bend over backwards so as not to live up to this stereotype, and just as easy in the process to forget that you still have the right to express your feelings and desires, no matter how "unattractive" they are.

If LW wants a commitment, she doesn't have to hide it, though she doesn't have to offer an ultimatum either. If her boyfriend has encroached too much on her life for her comfort level given his reservations about serious relationships, it's okay for her to say so. Instead of worrying about being "that woman," LW should spend some time thinking about where her boundaries are and what she really needs from her boyfriend. Then, she can open up a thoughtful discussion with him; if he respects her feelings and is willing to talk things over, that seems to me like a step in the right direction.