Look, he's just not that into you.

Seriously.

How many more clues do you need?

Cancel his subscription, he's already got too many back issues.

You won't change him, and if you do he'll be a dick about it for the rest of the time between now and your eventual divorce.

You two are married, and he doesn't get that. You're just the steady, comfortable, always-there pussy. He still wants to--and most likely is--playing the field, still mor interested in what his buddies and ex's think that what you think...otherwise this all would have been taken care of last year. Before the "I do" part.

Get out now while you still have your yourth, your sanity, and best of all, no children to screw up.

Deal with the fact that you made a mistake. Now don't make it worse by ignoring all your intuition and self-respect.

Pack the bags. Stick a fork in it. It's done.

All the clues are there, and you found them.

Never mind him, what are you going to do about it?

You don't sound like the type that's into 3somes, so chalk this one up to experience and move on.

I hear Kenny Rodgers singing, "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" on the jukebox.

You don't want to be on the 2nd team in this age of STDs, trust me.

It sounds as if LW is married but her husband hasn't decided he is, which leaves him free to continue playing footsie with his ex(?). I can't imagine staying in a marriage where either party is hedging bets to the extent of keeping an ex on the string.

If he is hanging onto her junk because that proves he can do what he wants to do, he's much too immature and disloyal to form a lasting relationship with LW or anyone else at this point.

LW needs to bail before this goes any further. She's going to get burned very badly if she sticks around.

i suggest you already know in your head and heart what responses you'll deem acceptable and which answers will make you glad your bags are already packed and in the trunk. If you go into this with no clue, he'll certainly 'reason' you out of your decision to leave...and in a day or two he'll know he owns your sorry ass...worst of all, you'll know it, too. That's when he'll stop leaving little clues and start flaunting his fuck buddy. She'll even call and ask you to relay messages in that demure voice you already loathe.

OK, pack the bags, let mom (or a girlfriend) know to most likely expect you.

Lay it all out. Literally. The cards, notes, e-mails, everything.

Odds are he'll half-heartedly apologize and try to brush it off. Your fault. (You've already heard this and it's been working so far, why should he bother with a new script?)

Then it will get ugly. Remember, he can't fight if you're not there.

Unless he grasps the significance immediately, unless "I love you and I've been a real fuckup" are essentially his first words, it's best to cut your losses and leave.

Remember, once you go you can't control all the bullshit he'll dish. You can't control it now, so don't lose sleep over it.

Head for a decent lawyer the very next day, if not sooner.

Trust me on all of this, because I did the opposite and have paid dearly for it ever since.

No wonder there are so many single people around. The bar people set for marriage is impossibly high. Cary's response and the preceeding letters promote the idea that if one's spouse has past or present feelings for someone else the marriage is doomed, unless that other person is exorcised like a demon.

Instead of viewing marriage as a particular type of relationship where two people share a household and lifeplan and remain sexually monogamous (when that is a part of the deal), people have romanticized and sanctified it to the point where it is an institution that works as a once-in-a-lifetime thing for very few people.

While I'm happy to have been in an intimate relationship with my husband for more than 20 years now, I feel penned in by the expectation that he will fulfill all of my adult human relational needs. For some people one other person might be enough, or they might have same-sex friends, pets, fans or hobbies who fill in the gaps. There are some of us though who are drawn to opposite-sex people and will be, even once we've sworn to monogamy. Everyone is different, the "traditional value" of keeping married people of different genders apart was mostly for paternity issues. Why do we cling to it now as the bedrock of what makes a couple? I can't think of anything besides the insecurity of the people who worry that they'll be left behind. The letterwriter is expressing such a fear and has been advised to make an ultimatum or leave the marriage right away. To me, communicating with her husband about her feelings (without any ultimatum) and being open to his response about why the relationship with the other woman is important to him (without automatically ascribing a negative judgement) is a reasonable response. He might not be able to be honest about his feelings if to do so is obviously in conflict with his wife's desires to have no rival on the face of the earth, the fairy tale version of marriage as happily ever after, or the puritan model of marriage as moral sacrifice.

If he wants to be married to his wife and doesn't want to have sex with the old girlfriend what has he done wrong?

I have to agree that yes, it really is over. Even if he's completely contrite and never does it again, the LW has stopped trusting him (rightly). Sooner or later that lack of trust will make him angry, and he'll feel entitled to fuck up - "I might as well do what she's been accusing me of." Then he'll leave a clue or three for her to find, and they'll go through the whole sorry rigmarole again, only this time their marriage will be a few years older and it'll be that much harder to leave. Or they'll have kids.

Life is too short to stay with someone who loves you less than you love them. If he were truly committed to you, you would come first. Right now he's prioritizing his needs, her needs, and then yours. Don't stick around. Unless both you and he are very, very committed to changing your flawed dynamic, this thing is a dealbreaker.

Best of luck.