I've been married twice, still friends with the ex - had serious boyfriends before marriage, and frankly I don't think any of my friends or myself ever went on formal dates.

We run science fiction conventions, and medieval fairs for fun, lots of planning meetings, traveling, and then the events themselves, they usually last a weekend, and you are camping out or staying in a hotel. Lots of group events, meet tons of wonderful folks.

One of my friends who is not into the geek fest - joined a club here in Portland for single folks, they organize weekly sporting events - ski trips, wind surfering in the gorge, rock climbing , hiking. Every weekend you can go out with this group and do something physical, meet tons of people without dating and talk.

And that is what is in common in both appoarches, you don't go out on dates, you meet people in a non-threatening group setting, and talk, and talk for an entire weekend. If you like someone you hint about the next event you will be attending, and then you talk somemore - and if it goes somewhere from there great. In addition to a romatic interest -actually more importantly you are likely to make real friends of both genders who will be with you for a long time, and then meet their friends.

I can't imagine doing something so passive as on-line dating, events are a safer way to see these people in real life scenarios, and see how they really behave in the real world. Plus they can't lie about how they look.

I am a romantic, and easily fall in love. That usually doesn't mean sex, or kisses, or dating, but just finding someone unique and attractive, in strange ways. It's in the looking, I think, that we get hung up on whether or not dates are fun or whether or not attractive people fall in love more often. Finding attractiveness in others is not a divine gift, naive whimsy, or unintellectual buggery. It's real.

Until, people are willing to take chances with their heart, not their minds or bodies, will they find someone who will do the same for them. Of course, if you only spark when you're looking for sex then you end up being a gigolo or whore, if you spark only when you find another mind on which to sharpen your wit, you'll turn into a sharpening stone. It's between the two, somewhere in that place where memory meets emotion, that you might find the ability to send the right wave lengths at the people you like, admire, lust after, with innocent, beautiful, like, and eventually, love.

Good luck.

I have not had the time to read through too many of the other letters, but I thought Cary's advice was pretty good.

When I read the initial letter, the first thing that came to my mind was that, based on my limited knowledge as a father of teenaged sons, and some knowledge of kids in college these days, that often young people that I know about do not dating as much of a model for a lead up to romance, and I do not think that romantic relationships have excatly died out among our youth. Thus, dating is certainly not the only way of going about finding romance, or even the favored or typical way of doing so among some very large groups.

This is not to say that what appears to me to be the current younger persons' model of finding romance necessarily would work well for older persons out of school and working. Even the most social of us is unlikely to be spending large amounts of time hanging out with large groups of friends with ever shifting memberships, which facilitates getting to know potential romantic interests while also bringing sufficient new people around so as to create ongoing romantic possibilities.

I think Cary's suggestion is good, and certainly doing group type activies around common interests seems to be a way to both provide an opportunity to get to know individuals, while having new people coming in from time to time. I think that adults are probably going to want to split off for some one-on-one time earlier on than teenagers are, but that is more a function of adults less investment in what their peer group thinks and does, than something specific to relationships. It seemed to me that the writer was more talking about kind of date where the participants know very little about each other prior to the date, rather than the kind of third or fourth date situation where the other person is starting to become known. No doubt that first dates/blind dates can be mighty awkward.

This dating advice thing is dangerous ground. Who really knows who will be attracted to who and for what reasons. I think "the just be yourself" adivce has a lot of validity, but is more a way of cutting through any nervousness and a way of recognizing that a "failed" date is not any reflection on either individual. The advice is really to relax and just behave as one normally would. But if one is constantly measuring internally whether they are "being themselves," they probably are not being themselves, or themselves is perhaps overly self-aware.

I would think that another useful way of going into a date is to focus in terms of taking an interest in the other person. The purpose of a date is should not be to confirm or deny your own value. There lies insanity. The purpose of the date for any individual seems to me more to find out about the other individual. And, nicely for this purpose, nothing is quite so appealing to anyone as some else that is taking a genuine interest in you.

Everyone's suggestion to just be yourself, have fun, and gain confidence are the way to go. I loved the Tae Kwan Do suggestion (and will most likely try it).

May I suggest another GREAT hobby: pool/billiards. Seven years ago, after breaking up with the guy I thought I'd marry, I stepped back and re-evaluated what I really wanted. Guess what? I'm having more fun than ever. I finally took that month-long vacation out west; went to Sundance, JazzFest, and Austin City Limits; and bought a house and adopted a lovable labrador.

I also decided to revisit my teenage hobby of playing pool. There are loads of national and local leagues, and all accommodate any level of play. They are PACKED with men (mostly single) and they have to show up every week to play. It's also a great way to get to know people: you're on a team (so there's plenty of opportunity to get to know one another and cheer for each other), you'll get coaching, you'll be playing other opponents, and you'll be gaining confidence. Competitive environments are FUN, and and guys definitely dig girls who can shoot pool.

Although I play in a local division of a national league, I also formed my own independent league. We're now in our 4th year, have over 90 people, and are celebrating our 5th engagement. That's right: 5 couples have met through the league, and 3 are now married and 2 are getting married later this year. I'm not saying that will happen to everyone, but it's also spawned amazing friendships. We now have a darts league, poker league, flag football games, book groups, roommates, softball team, and plenty of insta-friends to hang out with every weekend and/or for any activity you want.

Before anyone protests: not every pool hall is full of dirtbags. We have attorneys, graphic designers, schoolteachers, aeronautical engineers, etc. You'd be shocked at how wonderful everyone is, and how eager most are to meet people!