Now, what was your problem?

Can it be solved by buying Salon's newest book?

Could I find a way to work in my daily reference at still being on the wagon?

Here, have a handful of bromides. Good luck.

(Isn't it great, not having to follow up on my advice to ever see if any of it actually works? Can you believe I get paid to do this? And be sure to stop by Salon's book discussion later. Assuming you all live in San Francisco.)

Which happens to be Salon's new book. Come to the reading, maybe it will help you in 15 years or so.

I don't love my mother either. I'm 19, have a close relationship with my siblings and father, and otherwise feel like I have a happy life. Sometimes it feels like something is missing, but I don't want to be around a woman who thinks it is fun to pit my sister and I against each other, to undermine all my choices about school and tell me I will be working at Kinko's post-graduation, and to insult me to my face and to my social circle.

I don't think it's a bad thing to excise harmful people from your life, even if they are related to you. It's something you just have to decide to do when you've had enough.

I agree with Cary, it's normal to not feel the love for a mother who did not take care of you while you were growing up. That's what mothers are suppose to do, love you even when they have a boyfriend, take care of you, care about you. The LW's mother dropped the ball all around. She betrayed her daughter. My question is, is the LW's feeling really "emotional indifference" and "vacant"? Because I'm guessing, anger, betrayal, and hurt would be more likely. And those are the buried emotions that will come up to effect her later.

Has your mother ever made any sort of attempt to atone for all the things she did to you? Lies of omission, putting her relationship before you, and only trying to reach out to you when the boyfriend wasn't there anymore? It seems like maybe she's trying, non-verbally, to apologize. But maybe you need to hear her say it aloud. Not that you would then automatically love and forgive her. But it might help you.

I agree with Cary - you'll fall in love, and you'll probably do it a bit more wisely than most people your age, because you already know what it feels like when love goes away. It's very sad that you had to learn that at your mother's knee. Best of luck to you. You don't have to let her in just because she's your mother. She put her needs above yours when you needed her most. It's perfectly fine for you to protect yourself from her.

Cary: good points today. But we get it about the book already.

My 16 year old daughter may be experiencing the same (lack of) feelings as this 17 year old young lady: a complete disinterest in her mother. Unfortunately the mother is reciprocating this - in fact, she started this by alienating and ignoring her eldest daughter when she met her boyfriend, and it's only gotten worse when she (my daughter) decided to live with me.

Right now it's apathy and numbness, but later the negative emotions will come like waves. They will need to be anchored with solid relationships and hopefully a deeper understanding of life and what this mortal existance is all about. Yeah, I'm talking about knowing God. Then, with His help, they can truly forgive and forget. Will my daughter or this 17 year old someday be close friends with their mothers. Possibly, but likely not. Life is too short, there isn't much time, and resolution of these complicated matters takes lots of it.

...I guess that's how those first two responses might have made you feel... [sigh]

I only wish I had been capable of writing your letter when I was 17. It was true for me, then, too. Different reasons, but that same abandonment. And my not loving my mother. And trying to find that completeness in other relationships.

Advice like Cary's would have been helpful then, too. Even daughters who have good relationships with their mothers still have to learn to nurture themselves. Cary's advice sets you on that path.

Over the years, there were/have been times when I felt some compassion for my mother and what her life was like. But, just a few years ago, I was surprised when a conversation with my sister about some years when I wasn't living with them anymore brought it all back again, but from a new perspective. And I found I was mad at her again. Not just for the way she treated us and held us back, especially in school, but also because that was so incredibly short-sighted of her. My mother died fairly young, and her last few years were hard, but none of us (five) were really able to help her much, since we all started out in life a bit behind where we should have been when you consider how smart we all are.

Basically, you just keep having insights and understanding the same things in new ways as you become your self.

Definitely, it's way too early for the one-room flat with the cats, or for contemplating "spinster-ville." (I've been married twice- the first time too young, and the second too immature- but I learned a lot.) You can have kids if you want to, but just be sure you want to, not just because of your past, but because kids are an awful lot of work, and you don't have to have them to have an enjoyable life. (I do have one, though, fully grown, and one grandchild. We had some difficult moments when she was a teenager (who doesn't), but she seeks me out for my company now, something I never did with my mother.) I wish I had learned a little earlier on than I did, though, that one of the most important things a parent can do for a child is to help her learn how to understand and deal with her feelings. That's the real beginning of responsibility.

Will your relationship with your mother have an effect on future relationships? Sure, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to have them. Perhaps, you will be more thoughtful in them. You can certainly create your own family of people whom you want in your life. The clarity of your awareness, LW, at such a tender age, is a gift you have already given to your self.

- ktm