The LW is absolutely right to do a cost-benefit analysis before deciding to have a kid.

From what she writes, it sounds as though her background made her ashamed of not having material things. Some people get over that very easily; others never do, and the spectre of not having money haunts them for the rest of their lives.

I should know--my mom grew up during the Depression. Her mom died when she was 10, and she and 4 of her siblings were sent to live on a farm with cousins; the two older boys were already working. When their dad finally remarried, mom and the kids came home. Mom went to school as far as 8th grade, then left to start working. That was fairly typical for non-wealthy girls, especially the children of immigrants, at that time. She too loathed her hand-me-down clothes and the haircuts given by an older brother, which looked funny.

Even after marrying my dad (who had a good job), and running a mom-&-pop grocery store while he worked, my mother never lost the fear of poverty that she had grown up with. She relentlessly clipped coupons, hoping to save 5 or 7 cents on this or that grocery item. And she hoarded stuff you wouldn't believe--bacon grease, old coupons, old eyeglasses, the insoles out of shoes--because you never knew when you might need them. My mother thought that our family was always one step away from the poorhouse, never mind the economic reality, and that thought terrified her. For her entire life, period. And no, we weren't poor--but my mom's belief that we were one step away from poor, and some of the ways that she acted because of it, was very embarrassing.

So please, don't trivialize the LWs worrying about money, and whether she should force a child to live with the kind of privation she did, or be able to live with it herself. These are very real worries for her. It is very hard for someone who comes from poverty to financial security to risk giving that up, even for something some people see as a no-brainer, having a child.

LW, it doesn't sound to me like you really want a child--it sounds more like you think you should want one. If that's the case, don't have one. Enjoy your lovely life, which you have worked to have, and don't look back.

The LW said she "knows it sounds terrible" to think of the prospect of a child in purely financial terms, and she's right. But it's not wrong, per se; it's certainly a responsible consideration. The ol' cost/benefits analysis. Sounds like she could afford a child, if she wanted one as badly as she wants a week in Paris or whatever.

I mean, hey, I know from poor. At the moment, I don't even have a running car to wake me up in the morning beaming and asking me to read the "big Thomas [the train] book" and to please daddy pick it up high so it can make wings and fly like an airplane and to amusingly follow me in to take my morning leak and flush the john for me with a proud flourish, and to insist that I serve as voice-actor for a rubber ducky even though I'm in a bit of a hurry as usual. (I would oblige, with gusto, if I had a car around to make such absurd requests.) Oh wait a minute, a car couldn't do those things. My two and a half year old does, and a great many more things, further mawkish details of which I'll spare you. (Interested readers are referred to the nearest insurance ad.) But I will say that life's greatest joy has been to see a playful intelligence emerge from the gauzy forgetfulness that attends our births.

So I guess it all depends on what you really give a shit about, and the LW seems to know herself pretty well. As Edie Brickell put it, "You can't blame her for that / She knows where her head is at."

Oh well, gotta go. Off for another $4 lunch ....

First of all, if I can extrapolate from my own experience, the money issue is a mixed bag. After my father split when I was 5 money was tight and, to this day, my mother feels guilt over the days and weeks when there was nothing to eat but peanut butter sandwiches. Thing is, I don't remember a damned bit of it. So, no harm there. Kids can adapt to nearly anything, especially the smart ones. Things improved considerably over the years but we were never well off and I felt the lack of funds when it came time to go to college. I briefly resented how lack of money constrained my choices, but came to realize that 99% of the population lives with this too.

Personally, I side with those here who have advised sticking to the facts as you know them, rather than going with your gut, so to speak. It seems you have thought about the discomforts that might come from child-rearing. Have you thought about the worst-case scenarios too? Some of which aren't all that rare?

If you're ambivalent about having a baby, how would you feel about raising a disabled one? Take all of your financial worries and multiply them times 10. Likewise, can you imagine yourself going through a contested divorce and a brutal child custody battle? It happens all the time. You could find yourself with $30K in legal bills, chained to your ex for years because of visitation orders.

in the sense that we all know what it is to feel like to really want something. and i think that AT A MINIMUM you have to have that "really want it" feeling before you decide to parent. obviously we have no way of knowing, but from the letter it doesn't sound like the LW REALLY WANTS to have a kid.

i also agree that it's a weighing process and you can't have everything in life. being financially comfortable is a valid reason to decide not to have kids. i have no interest in having kids, but even if i were ever tempted, i would not choose to give up my lifestyle, including my financial situation, to have a child. i'm very glad to be able to live a financially comfortable life that i would not be able to have if i had children. and i came from a securely middle-class background; i don't have the issues around money that some commenters are attributing to the LW. but it's not just about money, i'm also glad to have the privacy & freedom that i enjoy, and i could go on and on.

the point is, no one has children without giving up anything. the question for the LW is whether what she'd be getting is worth what she'd be giving up. from the tone of the letter, it doesn't sound like she wants a child enough that it would be worth it. but of course that's a decision she has to make on her own.