Letter Writer, Letter Writer,

How I understand. I am a woman after your own heart. I have been that person, I was that person for years, and I still have to constantly fight to avoid slipping into that pattern again. I don't know what makes this happen for you, I can only tell you what contributed to my case.

I had this feeling that it would just be somehow intolerable to have all aspects of my life functioning all at once. What if no one were mad at me? What if everyone and every institution had everything it needed from me, had no problems with me? What if I went to sleep at night with everything checked off every list I had? The prospect seemed so wrong and worrisome somehow, like I'd spontaneously combust or fly off the planet on some horrifying burst of released chi.

I relate to every word you wrote, and have parallel experiences for every example. The turning point for me came when I "missed" a court date for a car accident, ignored the warrant out for my arrest and ended up being arrested while picking up a friend at the airport. (They caught me because my tabs had expired! Of course!) I spent an oogy, oogy day in jail face to face with myself, and something in me shifted. I couldn't tell you what. Maybe I felt at that point like I'd punished myself enough for this nameless crime I'd committed that made me feel like I needed to ruin things in my life. But since then I've managed to keep a lid on it, and work out my hiding and avoiding and denying tendencies on much smaller, gentler scales. Everything basically stays in check, and I only create the sporadic need to suddenly grab a situation before it smashes into bits on the floor.

I just want to say that I have lots of sympathy for your plight, and I hope that you have a gentle turning point soon. You haven't killed anyone. There's nothing you've done that can't be made up for. I bet you'll be able to get this together, and you won't fly off the planet with the strangeness of it. Here's wishing you peace.

that LW "hasn't killed anyone"?

Hey, LW, didja hear the one about the guy who was so lazy he married a pregnant woman?

Instead of caving to therapy, why not see how long you can milk this fugue state you're in? Shy of how far Cary took it, anyway. No need to mess it up with drugs or drink. Just tell people your project is "doing nothing" and the only problem is knowing when you're done.

You're too right. I'm always assuming that everyone hasn't killed anyone.

Letter Writer, if you've killed anyone, never mind.

I can definitely relate to where the letter writer is coming from, and my only advice is to start small and realize that eventually big things will get done. For instance, accept that, for now, cleaning the entire apartment is too much to even think about. So don't. Make one goal, for instance, do the dishes before bed (or work on your project for 15 minutes), then reward yourself. That's it. If that's too much, do half of the dishes. Whatever you do, do *something* - not everything, but something. Get that into your routine, and slowly incorporate more. Don't let lapses get you down - just start over. One of my friends recommends www.flylady.net, which has similar advice. It's aimed more at housewives, but it provides encouragement to keep at it, and it guides you to help break up these large tasks into doable mini-tasks. There are probably other sites like it, but the point is to try and to do something. Good luck.

I'm exactly like this. After a certain level of stress, I just "shut down" and can't force myself to do the things that I plainly know need to be done. Simple things; opening the mail in order to pay my bills, cleaning the kitchen, doing certain projects at work - all the things that need to be done in order for life to function properly.

I know what does this: plain old stress. Too much to do, not enough time to do it, not enough sleep and rest and "downtime", and my brain reacts by shutting down like that. It's like it is collapsing in exhaustion. When I got laid off from my extremely stressful job and basically eliminated stress from my life, this problem magically went away. No therapy required. Suddenly, I could do anything I put my mind to - my bills were all paid on time, my apartment was as clean as I like it to be, my clients all got their invoices on time - suddenly, I was an organized person who was "on top of things".

Now, I'm experiencing more stress again and not getting enough sleep, and the problem has come back. Now, I'm having trouble forcing myself to mail out those same client invoices that used to be a breeze not too long ago, procrastinating on paying my bills until I get charged with late fees - stuff like that. It's all stress, and sleep deprivation. I know that if I were to eliminate the stress from my life, I'd be on top of all this stuff again.

Maybe, think about your stress levels and see whether you can simplify your life somewhat and get a bit more sleep and rest?

I'm totally the same way. I could have written your letter, as a lot of other people have also commented. However, I've definitely gotten a lot better since I left my mega-stress mega-hours job and gotten a job that's manageable. I don't feel so overwhelmed, and therefore I feel much more in control and like I have the right to control things. I think that's a large part of it -- owning your duties and knowing that this is your stuff and you have the right to control it. I think this has something to do with how overbearing my parents were growing up. I'm 30 now, but when I was a kid they dictated everything I did, and piled on way too much to do. Starting from the age of 7, I was the very smart kid who just didn't turn in her math homework... I think it was some kind of rebellion then.

So you have to consciously override your tendencies. One of the things that I tell myself now that seems to help a lot is "JUST DO IT NOW!" For example, I'll get a voice mail at work requesting that I do about 5 minutes of research and then call the person back with an answer. My typical impulse would be to put that on my List, where it would remain for the rest of the day while I do other things, and then it would go on tomorrow's list, and the next day's, and then next thing I know I'm screening calls from that person because I haven't looked into their problem yet and now it's been way too long to simply tell them "I'm just getting to that -- I'll call you right back." It's created so much stress! And there's absolutely no reason for it! Why do we do that? I don't know -- but now I make a conscious decision, once I get that initial voice mail, to IMMEDIATELY do the 5 minutes of research and call them back. That amounts to zero stress. I know it seems very obvious, but for whatever reason unless I *make* myself do it *right now*, it goes on the List. Same thing with handling paperwork, mail, etc. -- you've got to live by the old mantra that Paper Should Only Be Touched Once. Maybe twice. Now I open all my mail immediately upon walking into the apartment, and immediately shred or recycle the garbage, and put all bills (after I *open* them and read them) into one basket, and then on the 15th of every month I empty the basket and deal with everything in there. I've made a little game out of it for myself, and that's the only way I can handle it. It's the same thing with accumulating clutter around the house -- they say that clutter is simply a "decision deferred". When I consciously remember this, I put things away as I use them.

And I'm exactly the same way about calling or emailing my friends back. Why on earth? I definitely have friends with whom my relationship is currently strained because I'm just not calling them back regularly. I tell myself it's because I don't have the half-hour it'll take to have a decent conversation with them right then, but I'll for-sure have that tomorrow night so I'll just call them then... And of course that doesn't happen. There's NO reason for this. So I make myself just pick up the phone and start pressing the buttons, and completely override the voice in my head telling me that tomorrow is a better time.

The only advice I can give you is that you have to *consciously* override these tendencies. And you'll feel so content when you do, and you've gotten things done! Because it's so easy when you're not in trouble. And once you start doing this you'll do it all the time.