Let the wife know that you have been friends for years and that you're moving to the same town. If their marriage is good, she'll probably invite you over for dinner. I manage to have wonderful friendships with men (I am female) and get along just fine with their wives, even if we previously dated. Cary, I think you're blowing the whole thing out of proportion, as is the LW.

(to the first commentator)

I have lots of online friends, some of them female - but my wife knows about them and has known about them all along. 'Adam' has hidden this friendship from his wife, which to me says he feels guilty about it. If he feels guilty about it, it's likely because he should - some fantasy or other investment that he's keeping separate from his marriage. So when he tells his wife (or when the LW does), she's naturally going to be thinking about 'so why has this been a secret all this time, if it's so innocent?'. The time to tell was when the friendship first started.

I think Carey has it right.

...oh, and one other thing: might the LW be the girl Adam is keeping in the fridge in case the one he has goes bad? Not such a great situation for her then, right?

I really identify with the LW in this instance, and I think Cary's advice is spot on. I so identify in fact that as I read Cary's advice I had a little mini movie going in my mind like this:

LW breaks off relationship. Adam realises what LW means to him. Ends marriage with wife on own initiative. Turns up at LWs house and they live happy ever after.

End of movie, back to reality: An alternative scenario - LW could suggest having dinner with Adam AND wife and to keep an open mind until she sees how that goes. Sure it would change the dynamic but it might also declaw it of any threat. By bringing the relationship into Adam's domestic reality things will be cleared up quickly one way or another. The illusion of an illicit intimacy that's so enjoyable online will be shattered and you can see if there's anything left.

Note of caution: it would be important to respect Adam's boundaries by being careful not to allude to your great intimacy over the past seven years at the dinner. 'Old friends' would cover it, and by being attentive to the wife and open to liking her you'd be making it clear to Adam and her that you intended no threat.

If that didn't work though I don't think the relationship has an 'in person' future. And besides, as Cary I think is hinting, it sounds like you would like to be in a relationship - with Adam at least, and by putting the kind of hours and intensity into this virtual relationship with Adam you may well be limiting the possibilities of creating a 'real world' relationship for yourself.

Good luck in your new job, new life and new city.

Make no mistake, this guy wants an affair with the LW. If he didn't, he'd just tell his wife. If the LW thinks adultery is bad, then she shouldn't contunue her relationship with this guy. Does she want to be friends with a guy that is willing to cheat on his wife?

That's the key word: Secret. Yes, you should break it off, but you should never have allowed it to start in the first place. The fact that you label it "secret" should give you a clue. If it had been a harmless friendship it would not have been secret.

...but before we go encouraging "guilty" to actually consider acting on her dreams of having an affair with this man, let's remember that there is someone else in the picture. Whatever the backstory, someone else gets hurt by the affair here, and let's face it, it's easier to "accept the consequences" when the biggest pain isn't yours.

The biggest consequences are not hers to accept. If she and "Adam" can't handle their feelings or at very least come clean about them to the wife, then this infatuation needs to end. Otherwise they are just encouraging another adultery statistic. We can be coy and defer to a counselor or a close friend and hope that they'll make this point, or we can overcome our allergy to value judgements and actually just come out and say, "This is wrong."

Continuing to dwell on the possibility of the affair is the source of the guilt here. So as much as Cary makes that point, he's right: face the situation head on, because it can only get more difficult when it's allowed to drag on.

Yeah, tell Adam you like this fictional xyz whom you met yday.. and continue to go gaga over him.. see his reaction... continue this for a week or so.. and check his reaction out.

If all he wants is your companionship as a friend, then he will be very supportive of you and wont mind at all, otherwise.. well you get the idea !

As far as hiding the relationship from his wife goes.. I guess that his problem, some men get the kicks by not telling their wives about them having close relations with other woman, coz manytimes after marriage people want to talk to someone of the opposite sex a bit more personally.. but not intending physical desires.. connecting on an intellectual level kind of thing..

And from the letter I really feel that the LW should get a REAL XYZ rather than a FICTIONAL xyz pretty soon!

I'm inclined to feel that its because of this internet relationship that the LW has not tried hard, adding oil to the fire are her past experiences, coz I'm sure if she gets into a real relationship, then she will have less and less time to talk/chat with Adam and she's afraid of that.. thats why even I liked Cary's advice of breaking up.. or atleast try what I told you in the beginning !

Best of luck