Your biological mother would have the option to refuse to see you, wouldn't she? Well then I can't see why you wouldn't try to make contact. It certainly wouldn't be selfish, and it might be redemptive, more than you could ever know.

To give up your child to my mind would have to be one of the hardest choices in life to make, and then to live with the question mark over what had happened would be one of the heaviest burdens to carry. The way you write about your loving family, your wonderful parents and happy upbringing all have the potential to be immensely healing and wonderful news to the woman who gave you up all those years ago. I know that if I was in her position there is nothing I would rather hear more.

And what does her age have to do with it? You're never to old to heal, and you're never to old to feel the pain of unresolved questions and wondering if you did the right thing.

You have a great gift to give this mystery woman - give her the option of accepting it at least.

It will probably be a weight on you until you decide to follow through on your questions. And that is a good thing, doing what it takes to get that weight off.

Be clear what is in your control and what is not. Tell yourself that the weight will be lifted by your taking action and not be dependant on a cheerful reunion with your birth mother.

TV shows us many cheerful reunions, but what those don't tell us is that most adoptive mothers choose not to meet. Not for real negative reasons, but simply to maintain the status quo they chose. And that's a good status quo for you: a loving family. If that's all you even know, be happy with that. You'll be OK if that's her choice: you'll know you had great loving parents and your birth mother needed their help because she was unable to raise you; and that because of her decision you had a wonderful life and a wonderful supportive family.

I believe that if you bring a new life into this world, you have certain obligations toward that life. I believe your parents, and especially your mother, who had the power of choice over your birth, have obligations toward you. You did not ask to be born. Your birthmother did choose to give you life, and then to let you go. I think all biological parents have an obligation and responsibility toward the child they gave up to at the very least meet with them and answer their questions. It shouldn't be about what is convenient or easy for the parents. It should be about their responsibility towards their children.

Even so, life doesn't work like that. I am continually amazed at the great compassion and patience and understanding I have seen on the part of children given up for adoption for the needs of their birthparents. I must say, I don't totally understand it. But it does bespeak a great gift those children are offering back to those who bore them- the gift of love.

Whatever was going onin your birthmother's life when she had you, the very disruption of living, the very great change from non-existence to life, is surely by far the greater change of state. By giving you life, and then by giving you up, your life was certainly more affected than anything you could have possibly done to her life by being born. But the great decisions of our lives aren't weighed out on a scale, and the events of our lives are often not fair.

Having said all this, your birth parents have the choice to refuse meeting you. They have the right to say no. And there is nothing you can do to change the choices that they will make about you at this point. Maybe your birth father will want to see you, but your birth mother will refuse. That would be interesting for you. You could still learn a lot from him.

Because of the laws in your state, you are pretty much guaranteed that your birthparents won't see you if they don't want to. So, that means you will not risk an unwanted meeting by seeking them out. If they don't want to meet you, they will simply refuse to do so. So, you need not worry about being an unwanted intrusion on their lives. That simply won't happen.

It might be hard for you if your birthparents choose not to meet with you. There are so many possible reasons for that sort of rejection. But remember, your birthmother chose to give you life. And that choice was not without a physical, emotional, and social cost to her. She sacrificed for you so you could live.

I don't think it will hurt for you to seek your birthparents out. The worst that could happen is for them to say no. If they do that, it won't change your life in a major way. If they do coose to meet you, so much the better. Good luck to you, either way.

I am a birth mother. At the age of 16 I gave up my 3 day old daughter for adoption. It was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life, and I did it soley for my daughter's benefit. There was nothing in it for me but pain, loss and severe depression that lasted almost 19 years, until we reunited again.

We reunited through the International Soundex Reunion Registry, www.plumsite.com/isrr/. We we both looking for each other and within months of my registering with Soundex(which I did as soon as she turned 18), she registered with them as well. Four days later we were on the phone with each other, and we were hugging each other by the following weekend.

You had a wonderful upbringing with good parents. So did my daughter. (And, I am grateful beyond words for the life her parents gave her.) But something was gnawing at her. It was her own sense of loss coupled with a real need to know me, to know her blood. There were too many questions with no answers. I was her answer, and when she found me, a profound healing began for both of us. We now have a very solid, loving friendship.

Find your birth mother, if only to let her know you were raised well and that you are healthy and happy. She has thought about you every day since she gave you away. Find her, and in doing so, you will find a long lost essential piece of yourself.