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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
First challenge is that this man thinks he has good taste. Leather pants, either in the straight or gay community are not in good taste, unless you're into leather fetishes. As one writer noted, leather is too coarse a material to package the package, and they're not worn outside a fetish environment for that reason.
Second, this dolt has no concept of social mores. Accepting a drink from a stranger is accepting an invitation to not continue to be a stranger, and in a gay bar.......the conclusion is obvious. Either this gentleman is utterly oblivious, or he is covertly interested in attention from other men. If he is, fine - he joins the vast proportion of men who have some samesex interest, if Kinsey is to be believed. However, he really ought to not conduct a covert display of samesex appeal in an overtly gay environment with his wife. Tacky beyond belief.
Third, his attitude towards his wife is apalling, and were I her, I wouldn't be caught dead with this ingrate, GQ though he might be. If he wants her to dress "better" (highly subjective statement, there), he could find infinitely more effective ways of achieving that goal than having her compete for his attentions in a gay setting.
Fourth, as part of an identified straight couple venturing forth into a gay bar, he needs to be mindful that he is traveling in a bit of a foreign environment. His acceptance of a drink was as rude to the gay couple that ventured forth the social risk as it was rude to the woman he came through the door with. (My wife and I sometimes dine at a mostly-gay/lesbian restaurant that features exceptional food; I could not possibly imagine reciprocating an expression of interest conveyed through a free drink. As it happens, both my wife and I have, at that restaurant, been given the hint of interest in something more than social converstation by samesex focus patrons, and our response is identical to what we do in heterosexual environments - a polite/firm gracious declination, with an understanding that, at our age, any interest is, on its face, flattering. We just don't assume it's a basis for doing anything).
Fifth, if he pushes his wife into either dressing more frumpily or far, far more stylishly, he may find that lesbians will find his wife attractive, and then will be confronted with a role-reversal. Then, perhaps, he can take up dressing like a lumberjack to appeal to the rough trade.
Do you think the fact that you were wearing leather pants and in a gay bar might have contributed to the misunderstanding?
I'm sorry but everything in your letter screams "I'm so gay". Why the hell are you taking the beard to the gay club with you? What are you so afraid of? Leather pants?! Please. I hope you "hippy" wife finds a nice straight guy for her next relationship, and you can drop the "metro" and come to grips with who you are.
I was really annoyed by Cary's advice this time. Cary seems to be implying (and so do a lot of the people leaving comments) that this guy is gay because he dresses well, hangs in gay bars, and was friendly to gay men while with this wife. Give me a BREAK!
If anything, this guy seems very confident in his own heterosexuality. Married guys who are hiding thier own homosexuality tend to hate gay men, not be at ease with them.
I know oodles of very straight men who tend to attract attention from gay men for one reason or another. Some of them handle it well, like this guy (sign of confidence in heterosexuality). Some of them get upset by it (sign of latent gayness).
And even if this straight guy does enjoy the attention from guys even though he's not attracted to them, why shouldn't he? Straight women are allowed to enjoy a bit of flirtatious attention from men who they are clearly not attracted to, and for that reason are presumed to be off limits - such as older gentlemen. And married men do enjoy being hit on once in a while by women, it's nice for the ego.
I agree that this guy probably wishes his wife would dress better, and doesn't have the guts to say that to her directly, which is a bit of a communication issue. But he's not gay.
Cary and the commenters are playing into a form of homophobia - if you hang with gay guys you must be gay too! That's schoolyard level social policing. And the opposite is more likely to be true.
The letter's not weird -- I can't count how many full-of-themselves straight men I've known who are exactly like this guy -- but the answer and too many of the posts about the letter are outright bizarre.
Gay men telling straight people not to go to places where gay men are? Yeah, there's a blow for equality and civility. Gay men writing in the most vulgar and immature ways possible to, essentially, "accuse" this guy of being gay? Definitely the image we all want out there. Not only are we childish and sex-obsessed, but being gay is something we'll use to make fun of you. How progressive.
To these posters, I suggest getting past wishing it was you that the couple sent a drink to and hit on and getting out and meeting some people who actually spend some time outside of your local gay ghetto. This guy is a classic straight male egomaniac, down to accessorizing himself with a woman who can and will never measure up to his beauty. Regardless of her appearance, this woman can't have an abundance of self-esteem (else why is she with this jerk?), so perhaps she feels that a handsome man who only emotionally mistreats her is the best she can ever do. He gets to put her down and be worshipped by others -- what more could any straight male egomaniac ask?
Any guy this into himself and needing this level of attention who was actually gay wouldn't waste his time pretending, even to himself, that he were heterosexual. A man can always get more attention from other men than from women, so lying to himself or others about his sexual orientation would just stand in the way of getting what he seems to desire most: lots and lots and lots of attention. The fact that he isn't gay is obvious by the fact that he's with a woman he cares nothing about. That's classic dysfunctional straight male behavior. Dysfunctional gay men, on the other hand, take tend to take their insecurities out on other men, as evidenced by too many of the posts here.
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