If my wife "took the trouble" (to dress bettter) ...

I thought earlier he said "she chose to downplay her looks", now she is not "taking the trouble" to dress better. I think that says a lot. Also the fact that he chose to, in front of friends, bring up the clothing issue. He sounds pretty self-centered to me and bothered by the fact that she doesn't dress like he does, using sneaky, somewhat demeaning methods to get her to do so.

Upon further reflection, maybe the wife is deliberately "downplaying" her looks because he is so obsessed with appearance.

Or maybe she just can't afford to dress more nicely because he's spending all the money on his outfits!

Today's letters are utterly hilarious. But I gotta comment on some of them...

1. All of North Carolina is not some homophobic backwoods. I've lived in NC off and on for 2 decades, and waited tables and bartended in more than my fair share of establishments. Although none of them were gay bars, I would not have hesitated to send a drink from a gay couple to another couple.

It isn't irrelevant that he's in NC, but come on, ya'll are acting like the entire state is homogeneous.

2. I don't think anyone, especially Cary, equated being well-dressed with possibly being gay. I think if you add everything up, the case gets stronger, but that's neither here nor there.

3. And to the poster who suggested that there wouldn't be a problem if the situation were flipped and the wife was asking how to spruce up her hubbie, I think you're dead wrong.

If a woman went out, dressed to the nines, accepted drinks from people of any gender, joined them at their table, and was then amused by their sexual attentions and somehow blamed her husband, Cary and everyone else on the planet would recognize that there were some BIG issues stewing underneath her "who me?" facade. Don't be dense.

Ok, had to get that out. On with the fun.

The whole scenario of this guy and his wife in a gay bar clouds the issue a little bit, but i could see not being that psyched about my wife wearing a mumu (moo-moo?) or something, Even so, i would expect he would just take that up with her instead of rattling off his metrosexual (a completely awful term) credentials. I'm no expert, but unless you are a rodeo cowboy or motorcycle rider (hell bent for leather, and the like), in my book, leather pants are just bad no matter what team you happen to be batting for.

Find someplace to hang out besides bars. Your liver will thank you and you won't have this problem anymore.

The whole leather pants thing sounds like a queer Jim Morrison.

The whole leather pants thing sounds like a queer Jim Morrison.

First of all, people...

1) being a gay bar does not mean you're gay

2) wearing leather patns does not mean you're gay

3) getting hit on my gay people does not mean you're gay

What i think MAY be going on here (one of may possibilities) is that the wife is an independent-minded hippie and the husband is a bit on the needy side. No crime in that, but maybe the husband isn't getting the attention he wants from his wife, or enough of it for his taste. Some people want more attention, some people don't want as much, maybe he likes to feel wanted and desired by his wife -- that she cares about him and what he does. So, he does something admittedly provocative -- he lets the gay guys hit on him in order to make his wife jealous so that she will pay attention to him. His demand for her to dress "better" is him asking her to show that she cares about him and what he does, and show him that she wants him all to herself.

Many of you will be quick to condemn the needy husband for trying to manipulate the wife into paying attention to him. Especially because this is behavior more often attributed to women or "girly men" than men. And perhaps he is in real life a really needy guy and his neediness is not reasonable. We just don't know. But, i think a little "neediness" or "desire to feel loved and wanted" is not a crime, and is perhaps even...dare i say...normal, and he's not getting it from her, so he's acting out.

As always, the LWs don't give us enough concrete details and we have to fill in with speculation. I may be totally wrong, but i think it's possible this is what's happening.

Or just faking it?

Let's see: (1)You go to a gay bar, (2) you accept a drink from others at another table (common come-on), (3) you invite them to your table and then (4)you are surprised that they are all over you?

Either you are so dumb that you should not be allowed in the streets for fear that you may endanger yourself or, more probably (since you are able to write a coherent letter) you engaged in active flirting with gay men and are now trying to deny it (and shifting the responsibility onto your wife).

I see the wife writing for advice: "How do I get my husband to stop dressing like a gigolo?"

So, the objective facts here is that a couple goes to a gay bar, the LW gets hit on and apparently enjoys it. The LW's wife is not amused. And the LW's wife's clothing and make-up choices come in where, here? I'm completely neglecting to see the connection and I agree that this seems to be a way for the LW to bring up something that he secretly doesn't like about his wife but is too cool and liberal to openly admit.

My parents are both quite attractive (I, however did not inherit those genes),very young-looking for their agess, fit, intelligent, and very fashionable. My dad has been described by my friends as a metrosexual, but my mom as well is always extremely well put-together. My dad is a gay guy magnet. Animals, babies, and gay men; my dad has some sort of magnetism with all three. And it quite clearly has nothing to do with the way my mom dresses because she is impeccably turned out 100% of the time (again, a gene I didn't inherit--I think I probably more resemble the hippie college style the LW so obviously finds wanting). I think it probably has something to do with the way he dresses and also something to do with his confidence level and lack of homophobia.

And even if, in some parallel universe, his wife's clothes actually do impact his being hit on at gay bars, since when is it okay to insist someone change their entire style just to prevent misunderstandings on the part of like 3% of the population?