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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Sure, a lot of straigt people go to gar bars, and it doesn't mean they want to take a walk on the wild side, they just may like the music. And sure, a straight man can wear leather pants and it doesn't mean he has latent gay tendencies even if he isn't in a rock band. And sure, sometimes, someone mistakenly thinks you're on their team, and may send over a drink, and you've done nothing to encourage it.
But, you accepted the drink and went over to their table. That IS deliberately encouraging it. People don't send over drinks to be just friends, it's a pick up. Going over to their table only tells them their pick up is working. You're toying with everyone: those men, yourself, and your wife. For whatever reason (you're curious, you're gay, you're using passive-aggressive acts to punish your wife for something that makes you mad).
Imagine her humiliation in this situation as you've forced her to be your wingman while you play pick up with other men while she watches. Not nice. Figure out what's going on here and be honest with her.
a WEDDING RING?
I'm just sayin' is all. . .
What a completely self-involved, self-blind person! To use a situation he finds awkward (yet flattering) to attack his wife's sense of personal style (which tellingly doesn't complement his).
He's not a latent homosexual, he's a narcissist. Well, he might be a latent homosexual as well, but that's not the primary issue. He's looking for a reason to persuade his wife to be a better ornament at his side.
He's got more motivation for this behavior as a narcissist. From his perspective it's perfectly normal others find him attractive, of either sex; he may even be dressing in this manner to feel that crossing-all-boundaries level of appeal. But socially it's not generally acceptable, so he blames his wife for the same-sex issue (not bringing up that opposite-sex attraction could just as easily be argued, and just as wrongly).
Why, instead of talking about how his wife hasn't left behind her college style, is he not talking about how he's bought into a different sense of style? As if she's less evolved for being less reliant on makeup? Again, unable to see beyond his needs.
So, (a) his wife isn't looking good enough to match his appearance needs and (b) blaming his wife is a cover for bragging about his attractiveness. Sounds like overdetermined behavior stemming from his self-centeredness. Eventually this will become a problem, when his "me trumps thee" attitude crops up in a more serious area.
If being gay means being with men, this is not a gay man. When certain folk try to tell gay people that they're really straight - that all they need is Jesus or pro football or a good woman (or man) to "straighten" them out, this is considered offensive (and rightfully so). And yet, a straight guy wears leather pants and takes a free drink from a couple of homosexuals, and half of progressive Salon has him pegged as a repressed queer! It seems me a bit unfair, and maybe just as offensive as telling a dyke she's "too pretty to be a lesbian" - something we hear all the time. I'm sure the LW knows his own mind - just as any gay man knows whom he wants to be with!
Your wife is not responsible for how other people react to you. You are. You dress the way you do in order to satisfy and express something within you, and others pick up on that.
You say you were shocked when the two men turned out to be gay? I find that hard to believe. If a man at a bar offers me a drink, I understand that he's trying to pick me up. This is a universal invitation. I venture to say offering a complete stranger a drink at a bar is a come on in any country on earth that has bars. Which is probably most of them.
People here are suggesting you are gay. I did not pick up that vibe from your letter. The vibe I got was that you are narcissistic. And a little sadistic. And perhaps a bit passive-agressive as well.
You seem to enjoy sexual attention from others, regardless of whether you are interested in them or not. You seem to enjoy flaunting that attention in your wife's face. And you seem to further enjoy blaming your wife for it. Publicly. In a forum where tens of strangers will feel free to comment on it.
Do you have any concern at all for your wife's feelings? Do you enjoy publicly humiliating her? You couch your letter in amused objectivity, but I think that's a ruse. If I were her, I'd take a good look at the man I married and wonder if his (apparent) attractiveness was worth the kind of suffering he was so casually willing to inflict on me.
why doesn't he just admit he's gay. it's nothing to be ashamed of anymore.
Several years ago I went to a gay bar with my then boyfriend to meet some close friends of mine (a gay couple) for dinner. They were late so we just sat and had a drink. My ex sat there in his black jeans and black leather jacket, leaned back against the wall with his legs spread out and back against the bar looking for all the world like he was inviting someone to come hit on him. And he was. He was and is straight, but he can not get enough sexual attention and he really doesn't care if it's male attention or female.
That's what I get from this guy. Not gay, just desperate for attention and the way his wife dresses indicates that she doesn't try to challenge him for that attention. But now he wants her to be arm candy and make him look EVEN BETTER. I bet if she dresses up and gets some attention of her own, he'll be telling her that he liked the hippie look better.
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