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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
The letter-writer's last paragraph concerns me for the future of his marriage. He writes:
Would a gay guy be less likely to hit on me if my wife were dressed up more and even had makeup on, as opposed to the hippie look that she favors? There is the option of my changing my dress style, but I think that since I was not the one complaining about the incident, I should not be the one to change. Any thoughts?
I always thought marriage is something mutual -- that each member of the couple wants to make the other one happy, and that compromising when feasible is one major way to make this happen.
But despite this, I suspect a gay male is likely to base a guess that another male twenty feet away is gay mainly on that other male's appearance, and to a lesser extent on the other male's visible actions. Why the letter-writer thinks his wife's appearance should be the crux of the matter, I have no idea.
If he really cares about making his wife happy on this issue, he should
a) adjust his dress and perhaps mannerisms to lessen the likelihood of being mistake for gay,
b) avoid milieux that are heavy gay pickup spots,
c) if he and his wife do happen to find themselves in a gay hangout again, perhaps they should act more obviously like a romantic couple (occasional caresses, etc.), and
d) not accept social overtures from gay males without first making it clear that he's not gay.
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(Although this should be nothing to get upset about, I can easily sympathize with the wife's preference that her husband not be mistaken for gay. I'd guess it has nothing to do with homophobia.)
If the letter-writer has any interest in preserving his marriage, however, he will graduate from the juvenile attitude that "It's her problem, so why should I do anything to help."
Anal. (again)
Seriously. This guy is saying to his wife, either give me anal sex, or I will go get it from the experts. In a straight man's mind, that translates to:
"Give me liberty, or give me death."
I can't think of any other reason a man would wear leather pants to a gay bar and flirt with men.
So, it's all in her, um, hands, so to speak.
...starting with her wedding ring.
Then Mr. Leather Pants would be free to find someone whose style of dress was more to his liking. And she would be free to continue to be happy with being herself.
Who the hell wears leather pants, except backdated hair metal singers and a very small subset of, uh, gay men?
We can't help but notice that your answer to every problem is to fuck an asshole.
We bet all your ex's know exactly how it feels to do that.
Is that the best that Salon's army of progressive readers can come up with?? Wearing leather makes a man gay? That's even worse. Come on, folks, we can do better.
I'm utterly dismayed that his first response wasn't, "Oh. Who? Um, could you send this back? I'm married." Followed by a wave of the left hand, flashing the wedding ring.
This child needs therapy. So does his wife.
She could be dressed like Lindsay Lohan, and if the boys are attracted to him, and he's not acting married, they're going to hit on him.
Next, since when is it wrong for a woman to dress as she pleases? It is not women's job to play Barbie for men. Dressing like Paris Hilton and wearing obvious makeup feels to lots of women like going in drag. Not all women enjoy or feel the need to play the extreme gender masquerade game. It doesn't make them any less female, or sexy, or straight or lesbian or whatever. It just means they're bored by the rigid stereotypes.
it IS abuse. i seriously doubt the LW's wife would be upset just because gay men hit on her husband. she's upset because he encourages it and looks for it. and denigrates her in the process.
he's clearly narcissistic. his sexual orientation is besides the point.
i agree with the letter writer who said the wife should begin her wardrobe transformation by removing her wedding ring. it's not possible to have a healthy marriage--or a healthy sense of self--when married to a narcissist.
Authenticone. Congratulations.
The silver goes to Queer National, for his first letter.
I'm not awarding a bronze.
I can NOT believe anyone is defending this guy. I don't know if he's gay, but he sure as hell is crazy. If you are in a GAY bar, and accept a drink from a GAY male couple, then you are sending the "available" signal. You don't do that in front of the significant other. Blaming her is the height of manipulation. It's the Shaggy song "Wasn't Me". Most people don't get "friendly" this way.
Then again, do straight men really casually lead gay men on this way? If you accept a drink AND go over to the table, you are accepting an invitation. Those acts are why people think he's closeted. Most people have the decency not to lead other people on about their interest.
As for the leather pants, the 80s called. It wants them back. Who wears leather pants these days? Does he have a Duran Duran haircut, too? Or was he in Prince mode? Or was this just a Eurotrash moment, wearing them with his velvet jacket? I stopped seeing leather pants on anyone outside of a Hoodah parade in 1988, I think.
Nominate him for What Not to Wear. Please!
...does not mean she dresses that way because she's shy, insecure, has low self-esteem, wants to look like a lesbian, etc.
I have overweening self-confidence and I dress like a frump because it is *comfortable* and I give so little of a shit what other people think of my looks that I cannot be bothered to dress up for their sake. I dress for me and me alone, and what I care about is: does this pinch me, hurt me, impede my walking or discomfort me in any way? Shockingly, it turns out that the kinds of clothes that the beauty world sells us on being attractive are the kinds of clothes that *hurt.* Ever hear "beauty is pain?" Well, who the hell needs pain?
(It's not just women, either. My husband is a well-dressed professional man and just recently got huge blisters on his feet by walking a colleague to his hotel room and then walking back a couple of miles. Nice business shoes for men aren't made for serious walking mileage, either.)
My mom, who is very interested in looking attractive, always accused me of trying to minimize my looks. That is the kind of thing people who care about being attractive say about people who don't, because they can't comprehend not caring. If I was *trying* to minimize my looks, it would mean I care one way or another. I don't *try* to minimize my looks, I just don't *think* about them when I pick out my clothes. I have more important things to worry about. I suspect the LW's wife does too.
That being said, I hope she recognizes the assholiness of her husband and ditches his ass. This entire letter reminds me of the relationship between me and my ex, except taken to an absurd degree (he never actually flirted with men I didn't *know* in front of me... only women. The men he flirted with, I knew already.)
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
