Letters to the Editor
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Required Reading
OK, folks- this is required reading for all of you, kooky mom, or not- it might save your life as it did mine. www.bpdcentral.org
Peace be to all.
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Narcissistic Mothers
Indian Girl's letter hit home so hard that for a split second I wondered if I had somehow written to Gary! Except for a few details (my mother has always worked, for instance) it was all oh so poignantly familiar. As I raise my own children, I cannot but help feel a certain sadness: My mother's narcissism robbed me of my childhood, and caused me to put as much distance (geographically and emotionally) as I could between us. It's a loss, but certainly a better option than being swallowed up whole.
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Don't be afraid of the long face
I really hope the LW can come to terms with the long face of her mother. I spent most of my childhood wishing I could wipe my mother's pinched lips from her face.
You do not need her approval! You do not need her permission to be happy! Please repeat this as a mantra every time you think you are thinking of allowing your mother to devour you in order to keep the peace. Repeat it to her, too!
Thank god she lives so far away.
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children of narcissists
I recommend that the LW read the book Children of the Self Absorbed. It describes very clearly what normal parenting is, what a child needs, how narcissistic parents behave, and what it is like to be a child of a narcissist.
Also
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html
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Is narcissism all that's there though?
So many of the things Indian Girl wrote could have come straight from me! My mom basks in praise like nobody else I know, especially if it's about her looks (she looks young for her age). She never worked, loves being the centre of attention, is easily upset and can be competitive with me (especially if it concerns her vanity). She's also petulant like a child whenever somebody says something that she doesn't like. Which is hard as she's not too sensible about her finances. She also lives halfway around the world but comes back to our home town every few months and stays with me.
But my mom also has a kind heart. She'll go on about herself for ages if you let her, but if she sees that someone close to her is unhappy or having troubles she'll try to be there for them. With my problems she's also a bit like a child- she cares, but never knows the right thing to say. But at least I know she'll listen. There's alot of good there (just not every day), and I hope the same can be said for Indian Girl's mom?
It's easy for me to focus on all the daily annoyances, and it's hard when you feel like your mom's parent rather than her child. But that's not all there is. So for my own peace of mind I try to let alot just go by. What does it matter if my mom keeps repeating (all day) how pretty someone said she is, or how mean someone was to her (when they weren't)? And when I disagree with her (which is quite often) I'll express myself, but try to be as pleasant as possible about it. If she's still upset I ignore it, and she gets over it eventually. Even without major arguments she's slowly learned that the sulking doesn't work with me, and that's improved things (but it took a couple of years). Easier said than done, but I care about her, and nobody's perfect. Plus she lives far away.
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FAKE LETTER YOU MORONS
Hello? Is anyone home?
"Indian girl" spends the first 2/3rds of the letter clearly describing a mother who seemingly lives next door...then she wraps up with "my mom lives 1/2way around the world and I'll be visiting her for 10 days." PLEASE. How long a face can mom have on a near-daily basis, how often can she even find the time to talk if daughter's day is mom's night?
And I have yet to meet any woman from India who calls herself "girl." Especially one who has children of her own.
You people aren't getting any smarter.
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sherlock effing holmes
You know, Sherlock, it doesn't really matter if the letter is a fake and we'll never know since Salon doesn't require a background check of the letter writer. The situation described may be real enough for some readers to learn something from it and others to offer their advice as well.
BTW - are you really the fictional character "sherlock effing holmes"?
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narcissist parent
Dear Cary - I thought your answer to the Indian Girl whose mother's narcissism is out of control was basically sound, but a bit thin. I would add that the narcissistic parent can hurt their (adult) child in ways that, as best portrayed in plays by, oh, say Aeschylus, Sophocles, Euripides, and Shakespeare (King Lear), are deeply tragic. The film "The Squid and the Whale" was an excruciating contemporary example of the pain inflicted on children of narcisissts. That pain can be like slow death for many, as they keep on trying to live without ever having had the chance to internalize the bedrock security of love that’s even anywhere close to unselfish, from a good enough, sane enough parent. Indian Girl and those of us who can relate to her will likely have lots of problems setting healthy boundaries, maintaining our self-esteem (and I could string together a lot more issues here) - and might really benefit from some good therapy. And yes, disclosure, I’m a therapist with a special interest in adult children of narcissists. I think you tended toward minimization of the pain Indian Girl might be feeling, and the help she might need.
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from another Indian "girl"
The guy who questions the reality of the letter doesn't realize that these days, Indians with money are likely to travel several times a year to the States or elsewhere to visit their far-flung adult children...nor does he understand how a mother can be so overbearing as to feel like she does live next door, even if she's actually a 22-hour plane ride away.
But to get to the point: As the 40-year-old American-born daughter of Indian immigrant parents, I hear so much that's familiar in this LW's story--it makes me wonder if there isn't a component of Indian culture that encourages insecurity and narcissism in its women. My own mother was never as extreme as LW's, but even in her 70s, having been a self-employed doctor all her life, she is still at times shockingly girlish, jealous, immature, petty, and just kind of clueless about what other people are thinking. Such self-absorption on her part, coupled with a general emotional abusiveness, meant that I grew up with terrible confidence issues and still struggle with them today.
What I hear in LW's writing is that she is still very enmeshed in this dynamic and needs to find a way to GET OUT. For me, a combination of things (lots of therapy, getting older, having a great marriage, and nurturing a long habit of writing and journaling about my mother) has helped me detach somewhat. What's very interesting is that when you start to stop caring what your mother thinks, LW, she will probably sense the futility of her weird little competitions and back off. Or else, if she's truly emotionally tone-deaf, she'll keep coming at you, but she'll seem like a pathetic clown of a person and, although you may still love her, her "long face" will no longer make you feel guilty or upset. It may instead make you want to laugh--a tad bitterly, of course, but laugh nonetheless.