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I say this from underneath the heavy burden of twenty-two years of knowing that my grandmother died while bad blood existed between us. I may not have been able to change her anger or irrationality toward me, but I didn't try while I still had a chance. (I still cry, and am crying right now.) She may have continued to rebuke me, but at least I could comfort myself with the thought that I tried to mend the rift by showing that my love for her and my "essential self" had always been and would remain the same.
When I was disowned, I disowned right back. At the news of my grandmother's death and awash in grief, however, I realized I still loved all the people I had always loved. I had to find out if anyone might be able to understand that and meet me half-way.
Her death was a wake-up call to me that what *I* needed to say to those who had cut me off was this; "it's your choice, and if you find acceptance for me I'll be here for you, the way I always was. MY love for YOU is unconditional, and it's unfortunate you can't feel the same. Life isn't exactly chock-full of people who give each other that kind of love -- you're the one refusing it."
I took the occasion of her death to write a version of the above sentiment to those who had turned me away, but mattered to me. I got some precious people back in my life because of it. As for those who still hold out, I will live knowing that I expressed my love to them as best I could while I had the chance.
Project yourself into the future after you get the call that one of your parents is dead. If that puts a lump of sorrow or regret in your throat, you have unfinished business. Do what you can to put the relationship in line with your true feelings for them while it's still possible. If they refuse or mistreat you, you obviously don’t have to keep tilting at windmills, but you can live knowing you followed your values of love and family. THEY were the ones who slapped it away.
*Note that my family is/was not full of miserable abusive jerks... just "traditional Lutheran" Midwestern homophobes who needed some time to settle down. Most of them have since told me they would have "gotten over it" and gotten in touch (easy to say now, I know, I know) I have no other regrets, now, and am glad I took the moral high-ground. Two others (Dad's brother and sister) have died without ever speaking to me again, but my conscience is clear. I'll never have that chance with my grandmother.
