Letters to the Editor
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Carey Misses the Point: He's Not Really a Friend
Friends are non-judgmental, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt when at first blush it appears you treated them badly. Then maybe a brief talk about it. If your "friend" makes a big deal from the git-go, especially w/o that preliminary brief discussion, then screw him, he's not a friend, he's a friendly acquaintance maybe good for hanging with once in a while. I had a similar experience with a very long term friend (decades) who from time to time gave me stomach-clenching tension with his mishagas. Finally he stayed at my house at my invitation for a few days, but once or twice I "abandoned" him to talk on the phone to other friends or what not -- this a total of an hour or two over 3 or 4 days. He took umbrage, and that was my cue to finally free myself of his BS. Haven't seen him since and have refused his offers to get together.
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Why does anyone bother to ask this guy?
My problem with Cary is that he lacks complete nuts - he's so wishy washy: why can't he show some spine, for once, and let this selfish LW know that she's not a good person, that we all like to spend quality time alone with our SO, but that life often gets in the way, and that she has absolutely no defense here (except that she's a shitty person and a crappy friend). Personally, when I don't want to be disturbed, I don't pick up the phone. And no one values privacy or the weekends more than me. But I can't remember too many times that a friend has asked a favor and I refused! And this was such an easy one: open the door and let your friend in... Maybe make some coffee! Everyone watch TV together. What hardship!
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No loss, blizzard boy
A relationship between two people who have such widely disparate concepts of the happy obligations of friendship has no business continuing on. And, Cary, it would only be a lie for LW to tell this guy that he is important to her. Clearly, he's not. If we wanted to call this friendship, the word itself would be redefined.
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i feel bad for her
my guess is she really doesn't know how to connect with other people. perhaps it's always a blizzard in her world.
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No way
I've been on both ends of this situation. I live in an area where freaky weather can knock out the power for literally weeks on end, both when it's cold and when it's stifling hot. I also have a husband who travels a lot, so that I get to spend maybe six days a month with him.
LW is a bitch. Sorry, but it's true. She considers her spooning time to be of infinitely more importance than someone else's difficulties. It's more important that she get to snuggle than it is that her friend get out of the cold. He called her for a reason, and she snubbed him, and now she's whining to Cary that no one understands her. Wah.
You find out who your true friends are when something like this happens. This guy is lucky he found out now, when he had other options. Now he can stay away from her, so when the next crisis strikes, he won't have to waste his time trying to find humanity and common cause in a "me me me" person.
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first impressions and second thoughts
At first I sort of understood where LW was coming from. I'm a girl that likes her alone time, I lead a busy, full life and usually crash into the end of the week exhausted and looking forward to spending significant time by myself or with my current SO. I do find myself getting pissed off if someone interrupts my 'me' time. I consider my alone time to be like the chocolate that's saved for last in the box of chocolates, the other chocolates were good, but this one is to be savoured, not disturbed and thoroughly enjoyed. So I got LW's point of view at first, her friend had other options, she was setting boundaries, every friendship needs boundaries. Then, I stepped back and thought about it again. What is a friendship if you can't give up that last chocolate now and again? If we can't be a little bit more flexible at times? Now, if he were the type of friend that was overly needy then it may be a different story, maybe this was her putting her foot down. But on the face of it, it doesn't look so. So i think she should have let him come over. At least then she could feel good about herself putting someone else's needs before her own. The whole thing could be different, instead of him running around saying look how mean she was to me, she could be running around saying, look how magnanimous and full of grace I am, those are brownie points she could cash in later...
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Taking responsibility
Although it seems like we're in the minority, I have to agree with alohajerseygirl. LW didn't handle this situation well and does come off as a little callous, but she did check up on her friend to make sure he'd found a place later and wasn't dying of hypothermia. As some other peoiple have suggested, her friend could have been a little more considerate too (we don't know how long his power would have been out, but if I had been making that call I would have said "the power's out at my place due to the weather. I've called the repair guy and he can be here at ___. Any chance I might be able to stay with you in the meantime?" You have the right to expect your friends to take you in if you're in need, but they also have the right to expect that you'll take the steps you can under the circumstances to take care of yourself).
I do think this might be a cultural thing. I come from a small family and married into a big one (think my Big Fat Greek Wedding). I was trained from a young age that it is the height of politeness not to impose on others unless you must. (Quick example: when my parents travel to visit friends they _always_ offer to stay in a hotel to spare their hosts the trouble of putting them up). My husband's family, on the other hand, had an upbringing more like Cary's and feels free to stop by and visit at any time (and honestly their threshhold for "crisis" situation is a little lower than the one I was raised with). It's a balance - there are times when we drop everything to help his family, and times when we push back. Again I think the LW probably should have ultimately taken her friend in, but that her behavior may not be as deplorable as others make it sound.