Letters to the Editor
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Friendship
There probably is a lot unsaid in this letter. We don't know everything, and LW doesn't have to tell us everything. There's no reason to call her names or be mean. But as someone who has been hurt badly by not being able to count her friends when I've been in need, I urge the LW not to act too buddy-buddy with people in the future if she feels she can't follow through for them.
Yes, we all have different definitions of friendship, and it's heartbreaking when you realize that someone you thought was a friend was actually just an aquaintance. Come on, we all remember the words to the "Golden Girls" theme song. I guess I don't see much of a point in friendship if you can't count on your friends.
ps. single girl--I hear you on that one!
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LW has a real wimp for a friend
As the LW admitted, the guy had other options--and found them. You don't have to say yes to someone asking a favor just because you're first on their speed-dial.
It's not like this was a matter of life and death--this was a matter of his comfort and convenience versus hers. To hold a grudge against someone because they don't do you a favor is the mark of an emotional manipulator.
(Although, if the friend had called back in a few hours and said "hey, look, I have no one else to call, and it's getting down below fifty in here--can I crash on your couch?" well, then, it's become an emergency and you should have him over. But at the point when he asked, it sounded like he just wanted a warm place to watch TV. )
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Communication...
...is almost always the answer. It sounds like pop psychology or worse, but as has been pointed out already, if she had been willing to lay out the situation and say 'sure, come on over for breakfast and then later maybe you can go to... to give us some time alone', the need would have been met, the boyfriend time wouldn't have been reduced by that much, and the friendship would have been maintained.
Actually, as much as anything perhaps it's a matter of climate: I'm an Aussie living in Canada, and I find Canadians incredibly warm and open and helpful if your car breaks down or anything... because here the cold can kill you in a hurry. If the LW was raised in warmer climes that may have influenced her (and her family's) attitudes to the ways in which help is rendered...
But being willing to be open and communicate needs and expectations is crucial. When someone asks a favour s/he is being vulnerable - it sucks and it's uncomfortable to have to ask, and that exacerbates the pain if the request is rejected.
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a million maybes
I live in a place where blizzards are not uncommon, nor are power outtages. If my power goes out in the winter, so does the heat. My response is to make sure the faucets are dripping so the pipes won't freeze, then I pile on the blankets and take to my bed. The power usually comes back in a decent enough amount of time, but if it were special circumstances, say, beyond 24 hours, I might call a friend and ask if I might come over. But it's certainly true it does take time, and some painful phonecalls, before one knows who among one's friends one can count on in a pinch.
There's a lot we don't know. Maybe the friend was from a more temperate climate and was freaked out by the blizzard. The first time I experienced one with a power outtage, I was probably a bit freaked out. Maybe the friend is one of those people afraid of solitude, and without the TV or radio or computer, didn't know what to do with himself. Though you would think perhaps a chatty phonecall with a friend might be enough to put him at ease. Perhaps the friend is one of those people used to getting what he wants, and the LW, when not canoodling with her boyfriend, is one of those people who is more of a stoic.
For the friend to be nursing his anger so much, it makes me think the person he is most angry at is himself. Perhaps the friend is one of those people for whom it is difficult to ask for help. He took a chance, even tho it was hard, and now he feels ashamed about his need. Maybe he carried a secret yen for the LW.
There are a million maybes. I think the LW must feel at least a tiny bit bad about it, too, because she wrote in.
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That's What Friends are For
The letter writer did not have an obligation to take in her friend but she certainly had a moral obligation to make sure that her friend found shelter from the cold. She writes that "I hemmed and hawed, but eventually refused", which is quite callous treatment towards a friend. There were a range of possible responses. There are as follows from kindest to least caring:
1. Offer to shelter her friend as soon as he mentioned the heat was off.
2. Readily agree to shelter friend when he asks.
3. Offer herself as a last resort if he can't find any place else to hang
4. Absolutely refuse to offer shelter.
She choose the last option, one most people would reserve only for someone who they truly didn't care about at all, and many not even then.
The other phrase that leapt out on me was "I received a text message from a friend who lives a half-hour away, asking if I had power. Yes, I unthinkingly replied" What is the implication here? That if she had thought about and figured out that he had no power and would want to come over; she would have lied about having power? Of course a more thoughtful person might have actually been concerned that her friend had no power in the middle of winter and called him back to see if he was OK. Beyond that, the rationalizations imbedded in this letter are startling. "he could have gone back to sleep or found some other way to pass the time until a more civil hour of the day" or my favorite "I figured at 9 a.m., it couldn't possibly be that cold given that most power outages had happened some time during the night". I am left wondering how many hours did her friend have to spend in the cold before a civil enough hour would have arrived?
To me the bottom line here is she clearly did not feel that this friend had any business calling her and so felt completely justified in refusing him. That is certainly her right. Apparently her circle of friends beg to differ. They don't think to highly of actions, as is there right Cary and the posters can vote on the appropriateness of the actions, but in the end the only people whose opinion matter are those of the letter writers friend. . I have only one bit of advice to offer. Don't try to explain the nuances of the situation to your friends. It just makes you look worse.