Letters to the Editor
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I don't get it
Why is everyone assuming that coffeeshops and movie theatres are going to be open during a blizzard?
I'm a lifelong New Englander, but I can imagine asking a friend to take me in if I lost power in the cold. For one thing, I keep my apartment temperature low, for environmental and financial resasons. When I lost heat this winter, it didn't take long before my old, poorly insulated apartment was dropping below 40 degrees. That's damned cold. If I also had no electricity, no radio or lights, no way to heat food, sure I would call a friend. And if a friend called me in that circumstance, of course I would let him or or her come over. And yes, I have a boyfriend I only see on weekends, and I also am an introvert who cherishes her time alone. But friends help out friends.
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Back story
I think the LW would have mentioned if there were a back story here. If there were any mitigating circumstances, why wouldn't she have included them? Her best defense of her actions (as she puts it):
"a scenario in which he had other options and his coming to my place would have ruined my day."
If you were asking Cary to weigh in on this situation, wouldn't you mention it if the friend has a history of being manipulative/needy or your BF is the jealous type? Clearly.
At any rate, I think she's just a bad friend. I'm surprised she has a circle of friends to begin with.
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what planet does she live on?
Taking the letter at face value, along with the expressions used by the LW, it sounds like 'friend' cannot possibly be the right term for the person who asked for the favor.
Turning down someone who is without electricity or heat in a blizzard, regardless of whether they could conceivably hang at someone else's house or Starbucks or whatever, is something you do to an acquaintance, not to a 'friend'. Doing it to an acquaintance is not particularly noble, but turning down someone who actually qualifies as a friend is inconceivable in a situation such as she describes. If a friend is uncomfortable and cold, in the dark, with no way to heat water or food all day, you don't tell them to call around to others because you want to loll in bed with your lover, you say "Sure, drive carefully, we'll make a fun day of it together" - and chalk it up to life. It amazes me that the LW had so little human concern for her 'friend'.
It is not easy to ask for help, and if I am genuinely in need, the last thing I expect to hear from a 'friend' is hemming and hawing - as long as there is no 'urgent' reason for them not to help. (and having limited time with a lover is NOT urgent) If someone I thought of as a friend turned me down in that situation, or acted begrudging about it, it would be a clear sign that they were selfish, not really a friend, and not worthy of my continued notice.
It is true that many people are far too wimpy about weather or any kind of hardship - part of it is due to where and how they grow up.
People from southern California seem like total wimps when they come to the midwest and complain about the 'horrible cold' when it is 45 or 50 degrees in early fall - which is nothing compared to average winter temps. The hardy attitude and ability to live with excessive cold or heat of a midwesterner or northerner is totally foreign to them. (actually, they have a total inability to live with any kind of 'weather' whatsoever)
To someone who isn't used to it, roughing it all day in a hot or chilly apartment with no light or conveniences is an 'emergency', not an inconvenience. (in my midwesterner view, unless you are literally going to freeze or die from the heat, its not an emergency) However, whatever the friend's level of hardiness, he called the LW for help when there was a blizzard, he had no elec and his apartment was getting cold - and she turns him away? Sometimes the elec goes out here, and in winter it can get quite cold very quickly in an unheated apartment. Sure, I could huddle in my blankets and watch the candles, but if it looks like it is going to be a substantial length of time before I can be warm again, or that it may drop to dangerous temps in my home, I would call a friend - and would be flabbergasted, hurt and furious if they turned me down (and expected me to call around like a charity case) over such selfish, non-essential crap as alone time with the bf. When your 'friends' are in need, you don't hem and haw, pull out mental charts about who lives closest or who has a lover over, and treat them like beggars - you help them, graciously -both because it's the right thing to do, and because that is what is in your heart. (or should be, anyway)
What is the new idea of friendship and human relations? That they revolve around everyone's 'convenience' and personal desires all the time? If that had been the case historically, we would never have made it as a species.
I'm glad that the LW is not one of MY friends -what a callous, empty, spoiled twit she sounds.
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It's basic
If a friend asks for help, and you can give it, you do. End of story.
It's depressing that a fair number of posters are do their utmost to come up with justifications & rationalizations for LW's self-centered behavior. I've answered calls for help that range from simple loneliness to serious suicide attempts, and everything in-between. That's what friends do!
The world is getting a lot colder, a lot more isolating, a lot more inhumane. All the more reason to remember our common humanity, our common vulnerability, and treat each other with at least a modicum of human decency.
When the emergency is over, you can discuss boundaries & personal needs all you want. But if a friend calls for help, he or she is reaching out to YOU, one human being to another. Is this really so hard to understand?!?