Letters to the Editor
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Dude, talk about cold
If my power was out, in a storm, and I called a friend and asked if I could come over, and she said no because her boyfriend was there...
well, I don't think I'd consider her much of a friend. I probably wouldn't smear her name around the town, but she wouldn't be high on my list of people.
If I had a friend call me, during a storm, and their power was out, I'd say yes, even if I did have other plans. Because, dude, is cold, its a storm, and my convenience is not nearly so important as not having friends freeze to death (or just be alone and scared in the cold).
But, that's just me.
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Your're way to nice to her
What a whiny priviliged piece of work, obviously never suffered any real deprivation in her life give the complete lack of empathy displayed.
LW - you're a nasty shit, I hope you end up freezing your butt off somewhere, with no friends to help you out.
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does seem a little selfish
probably lots of people are to come down hard on this girl. I see her point, it's a cozy winter day and the only one you have to share with your boyfriend. I can put myself in that position. Probably the friend should have taken the hemming and hawing to mean that he was not really welcome, and withdrawn the request. Or she could have made her case and flat out asked the guy if he had other options.
But since that didn't happen, well. He might be a little pushy, but it's a blizzard, what are you going to do? He's gotta come over. There will be other sundays with the boyfriend.
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The Boomerang Effect
The problem with being so possessive and selfish with time and resources is simply this: The Boomerang Effect. What happens when you need someone else's help? In this case, what happens when she needs that friend she slighted during the power outage?
It's almost always the wrong decision to deny a friend in need, but it's probably a valuable revelation to the one being denied. In this instance, the friend has clearer idea of who she really is and her worth to him (and vice versa). He can now spend dramatically less on her at Christmas time and on her birthday, guilt free!
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He was cold?
What a bitch.
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LW: "Am I right or is my friend wrong?" Cary: "Actually..."
but as a scenario in which he had other options and his coming to my place would have ruined my day.
He could have stayed in the living room while she spooned with her boyfriend in the bedroom, or she could have invited him over for just a couple of hours. He needed emotional as well as physical shelter, and found out that the letter writer was clearly the wrong person to ask. It seems he and the LW are far apart enough in terms of values that there's no point in him trying to continue this "friendship". I wouldn't speak to her either. I wouldn't even bother trying to get mutual friends to mediate and make her apologize, because nothing she said could be good enough. Imagine, other people having needs on my day off!
Her tone is nowhere near apologetic; she feels she did nothing wrong and the friend is overreacting. So even if she decides to try to make peace with this guy, he'll likely see it for the empty gesture it is and shrug her off. And a person who places that much importance on a romantic relationship will eventually shed all his or her friends anyway. The friend just got dumped quicker than anticipated.
I pity the boyfriend. The LW sounds selfish and immature. If she treats her friends this badly, the boyfriend will see the same treatment from her as soon as he asks her for something that she regards as an imposition.
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take it easy with the "bitch" stuff
you people shouldn't be let into anyone's apartment at all.
maybe he just wasn't that good a friend and it's time for him to realize that.
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shelter
As someone from Florida, who routinely has had many friends sharing her apartment some for days/weeks at a time, I find this woman incredibly callous. In times of emergency or crisis, we all rely on our true friends to lend us a hand, use their washing machine, refrigerator, shower or stove.
I would never speak to her again. The one thing that weather crises have taught many of us is without our friends and family and people who care, we are all truly alone whether stranded on rooftops surrounded by water or in cold homes. The true chill in this situation is the one in her heart.
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This letter made me sad
Not because the friend's plight was really so tragic, but because the letter was an accurate representation of how most coupled people treat their single friends. I think Cary hit it on the head when he observed, "There you are, you're warm, you're with your lover, and this friend is far away, alone in the cold."
There is no easy solution to situations like this -- single people feel hurt when they are abandoned by coupled friends, made worse by their own state of lonely singledom. And coupled people understandably want to enjoy the happiness that they have found, to spend time alone with their lovers.
It's a fact of life that when friends couple off, they cease to be there for single friends like they once were. They no longer need the late night talks, the hugs, or the mutual support, because they get those things from their partner. Then the single person, who still needs those things, is expected to "understand" that their friends no longer have time for them.
It's hard to be single. It makes your friendships more important than ever, because your needs for intimacy won't be met in any other way. And it's hard to be reminded that you've lost that closeness with some friends because they've found love and happiness, and you haven't.
The only solution I've found is to unite with other single people in times of loneliness, and in times of need. I would rather find a friend who values my company than stay with someone who just wishes I would leave -- and I don't want pity from anyone. I want to be with friends who value me in the same way that I value them. 90% of the time, I can only find this with other single people.
As for the LW, she should have let him come over. But since she didn't want him there, it's for the best that he learned where he stands in her life. In the future, he can avoid getting hurt by calling someone who values the friendship.