She's the one who's taking things seriously in life while he doesn't. That's just how it is with their respective financial situations. They may be able to stay together but there's a lot from that alone working against them.

The issue of the control that a family's money gives it over the younger generation is interesting and important, and I whether, as Carey asserts, it's better for a man's family to have money than not depends a lot on what they do with it. My family has less money than my wife's. My family has never been in a position to offer us financial support, and my in-laws' entirely well-intentioned assistance/generosity has caused conflict between us from time to time, because accepting it has made me extremely uncomfortable. My wife consults my in-laws about some family-related matters that, although I love my parents, I would never even consider discussing with them. Whether there's a cause-and-effect, or whether the money and consultation issues are both manifestations of other deeper differences in the way that my wife and I relate to our respective parents I can't say. In the end, however, compromise, understanding, and calm discussion of money issues is really, really important. My advice--be true to yourself and your roots, and allow your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend to do the same.

Americans like to believe we are a classless society when, in fact (as the footage of Katrina showed) class is a daily life-or-death issue for the majority of Americans. Likewise, class mobility is a myth, unless you play for the NBA or are one of the minute percentage who make it in Hollywood. If we all believed that, our choices would be very different.

I had an intimate friend who came from money and, although she lived thriftily in some ways, she still had that marvelous education, paid-for health care, trips to Europe with her family, etc. that I will never have. I had the chance to lead a workshop on class-based values at a local community festival that I knew she would attend (she was TRYING to get it, she really was). I created an exercise in which everybody in the room started out in the middle of the room in a line together. I asked ten questions, questions like "Did your family own a car when you were growing up? Did they have a second car? Does anybody in your family have missing teeth? -- Have caps? Has any member of your family been in prison?" For each question, I asked the attendees to take a step to the left if the answer was yes, a step to the right if the answer was no. The questions were set up so "yes" was a working class/poor direction, "no" was a middle class/owning class direction. I participated as well. By the end of the exercise, my friend and I were separated by 20 steps. She looked across the gap and for the first time, it hit her. This gap is usually "filled in" by those lower down on the economic ladder, in exactly the same way that the average black person in America knows all there is to know about white people but the reverse is seldom true. Or in the way that women accommodate men, using the idea we are taught by our mothers that "boys are just not as flexible/mature/smart as girls, we have to make it easier on them".

Communication and truth are ways out of this impasse. Willingness to be uncomfortable, to live outside your box, is also essential. It's a hard step to take, which is why most intimate relationships that endure are either based on a preponderance of shared class values OR have two people committed to do whatever work is necessary to stay close, viewing this as an opportunity to grow together. Most of us come from mixed class backgrounds but not in terms of those shared values -- even if it's just that our parents agreed on stereotypes about their respective classes.

By the way, having finally seen the divide, my friend opted out of the relationship. It was too hard for her. It took me a while to forgive her, but I think I have.

This is a rather sad commentary about the unspoken disparity because they are pretending so hard that it does not exist. And it seems to be defining their relationship. His blindness to her situation and her lies about being a financially independent girlfriend who can afford to take a cab.

Quote:

He offered to fill a prescription for me. I told him where I usually filled it, he said no problem. A problem occurred and he filled it at a much more expensive place. It took me three weeks to get the money to pick it up.

Endquote

This is sad, irresponsible, and vain. You need a prescription, you do not wait three weeks and hide your poverty. You ask him to pay for it, explaining that the new place he chose is beyond your means. Unless it was a cosmetic and discretionary item, in which case you would not be getting it because you can hardly afford to live it seems.

Other things like paying for cab fare should be a given that he would cover. Why pretend there is fiscal equality when it is a lie?

On the other hand, if people truly care for one another, and there is enough money for cabs in his bank account, why let money get in the way of a good thing?

Tell him your expenses, and your income. Put it in black and white. Give him a list of things he must cover because you do not make enough money to pay for these extras.

This is not gold digging. It is honesty, and parity.

If I were her, I'd take care of my own finances and my own choices, and I'd avoid making this a relationship issue. If she can't go out because she's broke, she should say so. If he offers to pick up the tab, she should graciously accept, and stop being "uncomfortable" about it. She should acknowledge the lesson with the expensive prescription in a dignified manner, without drama, and avoid situations where he is given the task of making choices that she must finance. Run those errands herself.

People with money share when they want, and don't share when they don't want. If they are willing to pay, people who don't accept and move on are a drag. But people who gradually start to expect them to pay all the time are just as much of a drag. So she should avoid occupying either end of the spectrum.

In short, budget for a boyfriend. When the budget is gone, say so. If he wants to pick up the slack, thank him. Make sure you pay for dinner sometimes. But don't start a "discussion" every time he offers to pick up the cab fare so you can go out.