Letters to the Editor
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Time worry about something more worthwhile
So you no longer feel like sex. This just gives you more time to work on world peace. Or whatever you do. Consider it a cosmic hint. There are plenty of guys your age who have lost interest also. Eventually you will find one. Good luck.
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Hmm...
Isn't this what vibrators and gay male friends combine to fulfill?
But seriously.
My impression is that this woman isn't interested in physical intimacy at all, not just sex. The "intellectual" aspects of flirting, yes. But not the physical reality of another human body (note the fart comment).
Hey, I'm with Single Man. Hardly an issue that justifies hand-wringing.
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What do you want?
It seems that it is her own body she has a problem with, not her lovers' bodies.
I find it telling that the LW says she has 'even' felt turned on during the undressing and discovery part WHEN THEY ARE UNDRESSING HER. She is making a clear distinction - she doesn't feel turned on when she undresses for them, owning the act and thus her body.
She also doesn't mention masturbation - a notable lapse. If she doesn't masturbate, she should get a second opinion on that hormone thing. And if she does masturbate- well, therein lies the answer. Tell the guys what works for her and I'm sure they'll be willing to comply.
She loves the chase - getting men to show they find her desirable. But when the time comes for them to express that desire, she doesn't seem willing to help them figure out how to close the deal. Many men *are* disappointing lovers (women too) - but almost always there is one sure way to change this --- tell them what to do to please you. I have found that most guys are willing and eager - and often good - students in this department.
The whole letter reads like a bodice ripper - make me feel desired! undress me! read my mind an guess what will pleausre me! no, not that way! no, don't do that! ewww! She doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for her own pleasure, so should not be surprised when it is hard to find.
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Truth-telling and its benefits
Right on, Cary. And good for you, LW.
Telling the truth about what we really want can be the beginning of something wonderful. LW now has the opportunity to meet someone for whom her particular tastes are good news -- an opportunity she didn't have when she was pretending.
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Masturbation
The letter and the response both miss this issue--does she enjoy masturbation and does she have orgasms? Has she tried using a vibrator? Is there anything sexual that she enjoys? If she does enjoy masturbation, maybe she just needs to work with the men to improve how they're going about the sex to make sure she is satisfied by it as well. If she's really no longer interested in any kind of sexual activity, then the advice about being up front with men about it is appropriate.
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The body of the matter
I really feel for the author of the letter. There is real joy in the chase, the crush, the desire, the butterflies in the stomach. How painful when the act--the conclusion of the chase, in a way--doesn't live up to its slow, delicious build. There is also an aspect of sex that is repugnantly animal and uncivilized; it is often jarring when sex is less romantic, chivalrous, or exciting than its months and months of physical, intellectual, and emotional foreplay.
Beyond that, I would agree with Sandra's assessment. I very recently read somewhere, and I can certainly believe it, that women of a certain age very frequently lose interest in sex not because of a hormonal change, but because they are no longer attracted to their own bodies. If such is the case, and this is really a matter of cultural pressure and anxiety, I might suggest that the author of this letter try intercourse with her own clothing on. Let her partner remain dressed, too! Or why not simply dim the lights? Or, if those suggestions feel too tawdry, why not study herself in the mirror, and come to love her skin, however changed she might find it? For that matter, it is surprisingly easy, after a little study, to come to cherish and relish in the body of a partner, its frame, its idiosyncracies, however "dumpy" the body might initially seem.
Of course, these suggestions are probably all wrong. I think Mr. Tennis' final diagnosis--that she might come to enjoy intercourse once she feels permitted to enjoy absolutely nothing about it--is not only sound, but likely.
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Doesn't she mean she isn't into undressing the men?
I guess I read that differently than two of the previous posters. I thought/think she means that she can get turned on when the men are discovering her body but she isn't particularly keen on discovering theirs. This made sense to me given that them discovering her is still part of the flirtation/chase, whereas them disrobing is part of bringing that to an end and progressing toward the sex she's no longer that into and probably at this point dreading. None of which does much for her chances of lucking into an enjoyable, relaxed encounter :(
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What about the partner?
I notice a distict lack of caring for the LW's partner. From her detailed and dramatic description of her sexual encounters, the partners seem to be anonymous. This makes me wonder what sex is and has been all about for this woman. It sounds like its more about the chase and proving her own attractability. It sounds like she is only interested in the person for the sex. Maybe she needs to develop a deeper relationship with the man before jumping into the sack with him. When you find a persons mind and quirks loveable, you tend to develop a fondness for their body too, regardless of its shortcomings.
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She doesn't gotta have it
Clearly, this is a woman who does not experience pleasure in sex at this point. "Grossed out" and "bored" are not the words of a woman who is getting rocked by recurrent orgasms for an hour. And when she stops dating, it's not really the men she misses, but their "attention". Not a word of a prior marriage or committed relationship in her letter. She's a bit of a narcissist, isn't she? So, how to get that never-ending stream of charming men who can be dumped the instant the boredom starts to set in, like some romantic migrane? She might try a personals ad: "Sexually dried-up prune with hot exterior seeks slightly masochistic charmers who enjoy the blue stonies and long-drop rejection. No farting allowed." It might work.