There are 6.5 billion people in this world. This guy isn't so wonderful and endearing that she can't find someone better to replace him. He talks about future children probably to charm her anyway, but if he isn't, she's going to find herself totally objectified and told that she her duty is to be a stay-at-home mother.

my husbands family used to use the N word alot.

I would leave the room, quietly and without rancor. My husband would explain it to them if they asked.

They love him and learned to love me. They got better. But it didn't totally stop till my very young daughter learned new words on a visit to the in-laws and cousins without me.

I said she could not return because of what she learned. we did not go for a few years. Now I go too. The words are not said. they love us more than they love bigotry. My daughter loves her cousins. Her grandparents do not say words they know we have taught her represent ignorance and fear. They do not want to be thought of by their granddaughter in that way.

If you are stong and confident in your man, be bold. venture forward. But if he is weak, he will pick them over you.

I married a man whose family was very much like that. We moved away from the rural area where we'd both grown up, acquired good educations and good professional positions and have raised our now-grown children to be completely different from their grandparents. Sure, we had to spend the ride back from some childhood visits unpacking words like "nigger," but as Cary said, that's how they learned that such words and the ideas behind them didn't fit into their world. We're all descended from cave dwellers; in each branch of the family tree, someone had to be the first to break the "old" rules.

1. If you marry him, these people will be your family. You will have to treat them as family and so will your future children. You will spend holidays and special occassions with them for the rest of your life. Unless your boyfriend is offended enough by them to limit contact with them, you will be listening to this crap forever. And you'll have to explain to your children at a very young age why Grandpa and Uncle Schmuk keep talking about fags. You will have arguments this your husband about how often to visit them and for how long and why he doesn't stand up for himself/you. You'll be writing to Cary in a few years saying "everything's fine except..."

2. Be very very sure that this guy does not have a little bit of some of these viewpoints deep down inside.

I'm not saying dump him, but go in with your eyes wide open. I've seen a lot of people whose in-laws make their life and their marriage very difficult. If he's not willing to get some kind of distance from these people, I'd say it's a big red flag.

This is wonderful advice, and I think truly describes how progress results.

Cary is absolutely right, but the person with the moral imperative to speak up is not the LW, it is her boyfriend. His behavior within his family is critical information for the LW to consider in assessng her future with him....if he is not able to argue loudly against the defense of rapists put forth by his little brother, I doubt he will ever stand up to his parents' bigotry.

And so she will stand alone, and the rift between them will eventually be deep. For how can she respect such a man?

!

But worse.

I met my fiance's cousinfs and found SCARY racists. These same cousins had threatened to beat the crap out of him a year earlier for percieved slights. When I met them I was dead silent, againt my liberal urgins to speak out when they used racial surs (that I'd never even heard) against South Asians (his family is in the UK).

But I'm marrying the man I love anyway, because he doe not hink the way his family does. In our case, and perhapse in the writers, it's not as easy to speak out. My fiance's family has a history of violence (with police records) and speaking out really could cause hospitalization. For us, we'll just live apart from them, keeping contact nutral and being closer with family who share our values. Thaat's for now. Infuture, I hope I can speak up amongst them, but I'll be holding a large bat when I do it, for safety's sake.

It's my old keyboard. I don't touch type and didn't preview, so please forgive my crap post.

Far be it from me to perpetuate yet another bad stereotype, as bigots exist everywhere. Let's just say I speak from experience, coming from Texas, the Australia of the South. Cary is right. Speak up. Don't be one of those people who can be counted on not to say anything.

The term "fag" is not used in a serious discussion among straight people. Saying a provocatively dressed woman deserves to be raped is not remark anyone would make who is close to a sexual assault victim. People in a group sometimes say stuff that disparages other groups of people in a crude effort to bond.

Take these people at their best -- the part that invited you over as their guest. You can say that you believe that people deserve respectful treatment, no matter what kind of sex or clothes they like. Tell them you're not comfortable condoning violence against people in miniskirts or calling someone a name behind their back that you wouldn't use to their face.

If you can say your piece without getting all dark and angry, you might be able to move the discussion to a more inclusive place. At least they will know not to say these things where you can hear it. If you get all huffy about it, they might say more bad stuff just to tease you. Show them you're a good sport and give them a chance to back off the dumb remarks.

Good luck with religion and politics!