Letters to the Editor
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I've Been the Maid of Honor...
And she knew I did not approve. He was not exactly like this guy, but he displayed a lot of significant signs of an abusive personality (extreme possesiveness, jealousy over the smallest things). He had been previously married and had two children. His ex was always described as being a nutcase, a whore, etc. The moment I laid eyes on him I had a bad feeling about him and he never acted in ways to make me rethink that.
They were together for two years (and one child) before they were married and I had come to like the guy a little bit more. I was asked to be the MOH and I said yes. My best friend admitted to me that she didn't think I would do it. I told her that of course I would do it for her. So I did. And I did it for her, through all the bitchiness and b.s. I had to put up with on her "special day." She is still married to this guy (almost five years now) and they have another child. I still don't like him. He doesn't work and didn't work for a long time before they were married. My friend paid his child support.
If you think you can stand up there in support of her and her quest for happiness with a man you don't like, than do it. I stood up in support of her only and I have no regrets about it. I still hope he will turn out to be a good guy.
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Pattern
I don't mean to sound glib. I certainly agree with Cary and all of the other advice offered this LW about telling her firend to dump this disaster of a guy. But there is a real pattern developing here. 4 of the last 5 letters Cary has published have been from women who appear to have tire irons attached to their tongues. They are incapable of communicating some pretty basic stuff to their husbands, boy friends, best friends, you name it.
If you're presented with an ultimatum "CHANGE YOUR FEELINGS OR YOUR OUT OF MY WEDDING", how can you possibly come to the conclusion that the best course of action is to shut up and continue to participate in the wedding, given the issues involved here. The friend may have been rendered incapable of intelligent communication by an abusive relationship, but the LW hasn't been.
Really, the last few problems all seem to have a common answer: Open your mouth and articulate intelligently your honest feelings about the situation.
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A Big Difference
Many are suggesting that "If you think you can stand up there in support of her and her quest for happiness with a man you don't like, than do it."
The LW was willing to try this, but in fact that is no longer the question. It is the best friend who has asked her to answer to a higher standard: "only do this if you can 100% support my choice". There is a big difference between this request, and just sucking up your dislike for the groom and showing up to support the bride.
The only honest thing to do is to honor the best friend's request and decline - just as Cary advised. Well done Cary.
Everyone else - go back and read the letter again. ;)
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Isn't there just a bit too much drama going on here for adults?
I agree that Cary's advice is straight on in this case.
By my math, these women should be in their late 20s, perhaps very early 30s. Why are we engaged in adolescent drama over the bride's choice of groom? Perhaps both the bride and her friend should take a big step back from the abyss. Friend has given her opinion, and been told, in effect, that her opinion matters not to Bridezilla.
Step away from the frock! Put down those flowers!
Run, do not walk, away from the wedding party, the wedding, and this "friend." She's being manipulative, and LW needs to see she's being manipulated by her old friend.
Bottom line: LW, step aside, and stand up for your own beliefs.
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Re: Epizia
Most people are probably going to hate your opinion but I think you have a point.
Having a friend in an abusive relationship who doesn't listen to you despite getting abused again and again is demoralizing and can seriously drag you down. Dealing with calls for help in the middle of the night, physical and verbal violence, fear is pretty tough. At some point I think it's better to end such a friendship. Sounds cruel, but it's not a friend's job to have their own life ruined in order to support someone.
Concerning the letter I think that Carey's advice is right on. The bride asked the LW for her honest opinion and she got it. Now she wants the friend to lie and turn 180°. This is not something a real friend asks you to do and the LW definitely shouldn't succumb to this. Maybe this is the end of the friendship, maybe not. If the bride is smart she'll remember to call the LW, if not, there's nothing you can do anyway.
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Don't lie and don't look back
I had a co-worker who turned into a pretty good friend. She had all this drama in her life, we called her the star of soap land. One day came crying about her BF cheating on her. So I said dump him, your worth more than that. She didn't agree. So she stayed with him, more drama, jealousy, drug use and pregnancy! I begged her to leave him, he was no good, hitting her, cheating, calling her names. But she wouldn't listen, he was her baby daddy and if I couldn't accept it, well I have to go.
Sad to say, today she and her baby are in the ground. He stabbed her and her baby soon after the birth in the hospital.
The fiance may have come up with this to distance you two, or it could be her idea. So maybe ask why she needs your 100% support. Who's idea was it, try to treat the situation as logically as possible, if she still insists then kiss her goodbye. How many times can you pick up the pieces of someone who won't bother to learn from advise or past mistakes?
When dealing with abuse, sometimes you just have to say your piece, if they won't listen, if they still are willing to lock step with an asshole, it's because they truly believe they deserve the asshole. You can't fix what is broken inside. All you can do is tell them the right way, the good path, the safe path and yeah, don't change your number.