Letters to the Editor
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Spot on advice, Cary
I would also like to honor the LW for her honesty with her friend. After I left my bad marriage, I had too many friends tell me of their early impression that he was wrong for me. I had no idea they thought so.
In the same situation I know I have also kept my mouth shut out of fear of giving offense or losing a friend, but it strikes me as much braver to say something. It may, as Cary says, help the friend down the line, if she is feeling crazy and scared, to remember that someone who loved her felt all along she deserved better.
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Rational, but wrong advice
While I usually agree with his advice, I have to say that Cary got this one wrong. As any good friend should have done, the maid of honor has already expressed her concerns about this guy, and doing so only led to fights and being frozen out. The bride-to-be is "in love" and is unwilling to hear the truth about her fiance. Most women know that the girlfriend who tries to come between a friend and her man, even in a well-meaning way, will eventually get the cold shoulder. I am the perpetual bridesmaid, and I have experienced this first hand.
Being a supportive friend in this case will mean lying her butt off and pretending to be 100% on board. She should just plaster a smile on her face and walk down the aisle. Taking a stand and getting tossed out of the wedding will mean that she and the bride will never, ever, ever, ever be friends again, particularly when the marriage falls apart. The bride will be too ashamed to face LW, not to mention that by the time the marriage ends, the bonds of the friendship will have eroded. LW, if she values this friendship, should try to be the best friend she can be and studiously avoid criticizing the husband, even when the bride complains about him.
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Cary is right.
Good call, Cary. And good call, too, for the best friend. My sister had this same exact thing happen to her: best friend was marrying a total tool, and my sister said "I can not stand up at your wedding. I do not believe you should marry this man." Of course the best friend was incensed. Of course the best friend stopped speaking to her. And...of course...15 years later the best friend ran into her at the grocery store and told her she had been absolutely right. If she's truly this woman's best friend she'll do exactly as Cary suggested and call her bluff.
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Everyone's entitled to a disastrous first wedding.
Acceptance doesn't have to mean gleeful approbation of her choice. You can accept that she's a grownup making an adult decision. Respect her right to do that, and stand up with her at her wedding.
As much as I usually agree with Cary's advice, this time I don't. To reject her invitation on the grounds that you disapprove puts you in an adversarial position. It will create a schism at a time when she will need a nonjudgmental friend for what lies ahead if your misgivings are correct.
Weddings are such optimistic occasions, all about celebration, honor, love and belonging. She could be making a mistake. A lot of people (myself included) owe their existence to the naive ardor of lovers making "mistakes" in the long run. You expressed your concern; now stand by her, no matter what comes. Nobody really knows what's going to happen. You may as well enjoy the party. And pray for miracles.
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Standing
There's a difference between going to a wedding and standing at one. Standing at a wedding is an implicit endorsement -- and, as a best man/maid/matron of honor, something of a promise to help out when things get rough. The writer doesn't endorse the union, doesn't have any intention of helping maintain the marriage through difficulty, and has every reason to attend the wedding as a guest and wish her friend luck.
Spot-on advice, especially about not changing one's phone number.
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Tough call...
Usually I'm one for tough love, but the LW has been best friends with this woman for more than a decade, right?
In that case, if there's a solid emotional bond there and plenty of history between the two, I think she should just swallow her opinions about the groom (no matter how right she is) and go and be supportive at the wedding.
This woman is the LW's best friend. The LW sounds like she's a good person, a really loyal friend too who genuinely wants the best for her friend. She won't be the kind to abandon a relationship. It will hurt her too much.
I mean, I think this whole thing will erode their friendship. LW -- if you're reading this. You can be supportive, but you should probably be shopping for another best friend. There are obviously insurmountable differences between you two that are only going to keep appearing. How are you going to feel when your friend starts calling you in the middle of the night, requesting your help to fetch her man who's puking at a bar? It's like watching someone kick themselves in the ass over and over. It's completely and utterly so insane and stupid you just want to shake them and tell them to stop it already!
And the reason why I say you should start shopping for a new best friend is not so that you can abandon her when she needs your help. It's so that you can shift your expectations to someone else and let the pressure on this one particular friendship dissipate for the time being. When you do that, you'll find it much easier to accept her, warts and all.
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I was once that best friend . . .
And my best friend risked our friendship to tell me what she thought about the guy. I did not listen and she stood by her assessment and I didn't see much of her for a while. As it turns out, of course, she was right and we're still friends (though we'll never be quite the same, unfortunately). I know she cared enough not to pretend she thought my decision was ok. That means a lot to me now.