My guess is that he is a sensitive, somewhat passive fellow who has a lifetime of his brother's subtle abuses stored in his body. At some point, in some bodily, unconscious way, he "decided" he couldn't afford to offer up any more vulnerability, and he expresses that decision through silence. Perhaps he genuinely, organically hates his brother, having felt his nasty shadow while everyone else in the family insists on seeing in him only sweetness and light. Maybe, in many ways, the brother IS a superior being, and it does pain or bore him be with LW and LW's fiance. Can we blame a person for such hate any more than we can blame him for love?

(Or he could just be an envious jerk; who knows?)

I don't blame the LW for her hate either. The brother's silence must have quite an edge to it. I would just advise her that there's almost always more to a story than someone late to the scene can surmise.

People who give the silent treatment are angry people who enjoy being angry. They could tell you why they are angry and let you defend yourself or clear the air, but they prefer to hang on and let you twist in the wind wondering whatever did I do to deserve this or how can I remedy this situation. There is no remedy. There is nothing you can do or say to make this guy change his behavior. The silent treatment is his power over you. It is what he knows how to do, and he does it well and will continue to do it. Don't drive anywhere with him. Don't expect anything from him. Cary was right at the end when he said that if he did talk you might be sorry. My ex-husband once stopped speaking to me for three days and when I finally got him to tell me why he told me it was because I had bought the wrong drapes. My guess is that there is nothing significant beneath this silent treatment, no enlightenment to be gained by getting him to break his silence. He's not worth your hatred. Pity his poor wife who has to pretend she is married to a human being while he does his granite imitation.

My sister-in-law hates me, and by extension my girlfriend, my two kids, etc. I am in a family business with my brother, which can be excruciating. I am confident and friendly, but just calling their home to speak to my brother turns me into a bumbling fool. I know the origin, my divorce, but that was ten years ago and my ex dumped my sister-in-law as a friend as soon as she was done using her, so she hardly needs to be taking sides anymore. She does exactly as described in the letter to Cary, speaking the least necessary the fewest times possible, and usually acting as if I'm a ghost, even if her kids are greeting me with enthusiasm.

Some personalities are especially good at hanging onto rage, and my limited experience says most have had some severe emotional trauma in their past. The terrific singer John Hiatt has spoken of an earlier time when he wasn't having success in the music biz, and spent time in Nashville bars around other musicians, "drinking at them." This behavior is similar.

Therapy and working with a personal coach has helped to focus on what I want and need, as opposed to joining in the dance with my sister-in-law. Another thing that helped immensely was hearing my son and daughter and my niece talk openly about the weirdness. Joining them in that has been great. There's no better way to gain power over emotional abuse than naming it aloud and dragging it out into the sunshine. I will be changing careers but thankfully that was a goal anyway. The costs of this stuff are high, but letting it get you all wrapped up will make the cost higher.

but assuming she is right about what is happenning and can't solve it she should definitely not subject herself to it if it bothers her so much. Tell anyone who asks why: refusing to talk to someone says you don't like them and you won't go where you aren't liked.

I cannot proofread

I'm a bit disappointed that Cary didn't adress the really strange bits of this story: that while the BIL maintains a, to the LW hostile, silence, he still participates in family stuff together with his brother&LW, and even helps them out by driving them places!

So obviously there's either something really weird and painful going on (is the LW's MIL&FIL pressuring the BIL to "act nice to your brother"?), or the BIL is just weird.

It might be that he is just really stubborn, perhaps he once said to his brother at the closing of an argument "I promise I'll never speak to you again!", and feels compelled to keep that promise. LW's husband-to-be might not even remember this incident.

If BIL's wife is nice, why not approach her? She might not be able to offer MUCH insight (either out of not knowing, or out of loyalty), but she could probably offer something. And since the silence originated with LW's husband-to-be, not LW, perhaps she could deliver the message to BIL that LW is her own person and doesn't appreciate to be treated as just an extension of her h-t-b?

Anyway, if this is NOT a case of globally really warped family dynamics (ie the BIL really hates his brother and is pressured by his parents to interact with him anyway) but rather a case of a weird individual the LW needs to find some way to "get over it" and mentally stop ascribing sinister motives and feelings to BIL's silence.

Way to go Cary. Great advice. The only thing I'd like to add is that I find it very sad for the brother in law that he is going through life like this. I am surprised, if the wife is so friendly and approachable, that no one has discussed this issue with her. It sounds to me like the guy needs someone to help him break his silence - a professional. Perhaps this pattern of silence could be broken if his wife encouraged him to seek help.