Letters to the Editor
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missing
Missing in the missives about how awful the male responders are - the concerns of the male.
There are those, you know. LW feels justified in considering her daughter over those of her partner. This sentiment is approved without even moderate concern for the boyfriend by the women posters.
How would anyone feel who lives with a woman with an asterisk in her life, a trump card to be played whenever it is convenient for her? Perhaps a man in such a situation would like at least *moderate* consideration for his life.
I don't hate women for their selfish choices any more than I hate men for theirs. I do recognize selfish interest when it's on display, and the chumminess of LW and the idiot advice counselor represent this fully.
What is the term, having your cake and eating it, too? The man is not a houseplant, despite how women in this post-fest want to paint his role. His concerns are legitimate, and they are given Oprah-short-shrift by the advice counselor.
If LW wants a man to beg her to go with him, then eventually she'll find a beggar. There is nothing wrong with a job interview - nothing to be apologized for. If the woman *really* loves the boyfriend, she will work out her crises and be with him. If long-distance isn't an option for her, tough shit! Get a pet or a house plant that can conveniently be expected to do her bidding.
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Cary, dude, you're WAY off the mark
Seems like what the LW needs is a gentle goad to sit down with her boyfriend and explore the various possible compromises they might come up with (after all, they are both adults) -- so why does Mr. Tennis instead fuel the LW's unrealistic "it's-me-or-the-job" stance with a load of touchy-feelyisms more suitable for an EST pamphlet?
These are logistic and economic realities that American couples face all the time... Add a child and a nearby ex-spouse and you've cubed the problem. It seems like the LW is the source of a much greater share of the complications here than her boyfriend is. I'm not saying she should be faulted for that, but Cary might have found a way to dissect the situation more thoroughly.
I've been in a similar dilemma: incredible girlfriend with 2 incredible kids, her parents living right down the street (always willing to babysit), and her ex-husband a few towns over -- an ideal arrangement for all of them, and one which they were (understandably) unwilling to give up; but since they lived in the middle of nowhere, for me it would have meant tossing 15 years of my career away, to go live in a place where I would have been lucky to make minimum wage. Was I a heartless bastard for saying No Thanks? Probably. But it still seems preferable to being broke, bored, underemployed and depressed in the middle of cowtown.
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HJNTIY?
Let's just assume, for the sake of argument (since we all just love one around here, no?) that this is a married couple we're talking about, not "just" a cohabiting/co-homeowning one.
The husband, in that case, wouldn't just be saying, "Sorry babe, gotta move on now, whether you come along or not." They might have to spend some time apart while the logistics of the situation got worked out, but it would be something the entire family would discuss. Maybe even the ex-husband would be in on the powwow. And certainly if the daughter is close to 12 years old, she's old enough to have some input too. Maybe it would even be her preference to live with her dad for a while, and maybe he'd like to have her. The point is, it wouldn't be unilateral decision-making on the husband's part; there would be analysis, negotiation, issues given time and space to air from all parties concerned.
The fact that it isn't that way for this "almost married" couple seems to indicate to me that the boyfriend is looking for a graceful out. I totally agree with Cary on this one.
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Sounds like it's pretty much over anyway
I feel bad for the LW in a way, because it seems that this is a relationship on its way out in the first place but she just can't see it. I don't fault the boyfriend at all, I think he has to consider his future just as much as the next person, and I think the LW needs to consider her future as well, which in her case means taking into heavy consideration the well being of her daughter first and foremost, and her ex, who sounds like a good dad from what the LW has described.
A previous poster said that some of the letters here were harsh because it sounded like people were saying that she should go without relationships or sex, but I don't think that's what people are saying at all. Rather, I think people are saying, rightly, that this couple is simply not a "match." It's unfair and likely harmful to a child to take them away from the other parent. Divorce is hard enough. I think it would be a mistake to remove the daughter from the father's life, which is essentially what would happen if she were to move. As far as I can tell, nobody is saying that she should "do without," I just think that if the LW's value system was firmly in place and she had made a commitment to her daughter and ex to give the daughter liberal access to each parent, she would not be considering the move. Sad, because the needs of a child often take a backseat to the wants of the adults.
I liked the letter here from the woman who said that she moved her child away from the non-custodial father years ago, and she regretted it. I thought she was brave to be honest about her selfishness and how it ultimately hurt her child. Hopefully the LW will read that and see things more clearly. And I hope the LW finds love and happiness with someone who *is* a match!
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marriage
this is a prime example of why living together with a boyfriend is NOT the same as marriage. If he were really into her, he would have married her.