Letters to the Editor
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take a deep breath
". . .and has since started sh*tting out new offspring with her current husband."
OK, I understand your anger (though I don't agree with some of your broad conclusions). However, no matter how angry you are at your husband's ex, it's just plain wrong to characterize her children -- or any children -- as excrement. Whatever wrongs may or may not have been done to you or your husband, your step-children's half-siblings are blameless, and they're certainly not "sh*t". Come to think of it, they're part of your extended family.
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Never Let Him See You Sweat, Honey
Cary's right--only don't throw a tantrum. I know it will take tremendous, superhuman powers, but don't lose your cool. I heard this advice from a way smarter chick than myself. If you can pull this off, you'll be the kind of woman 100 guys will fall all over themselves for, from now ON.
First of all, don't think of your child as holding this relationship back. That's not the problem. The problem is your current boyfriend either is or isn't that into you. And if he's not, ciao. If he can't live without you after all, he'll know it in short order. Oopsie, his loss! But he may not be able to find that out till he does move.
Now I'm going to crib this wiser, hipper, cooler chick's words verbatim: "smile sweetly, wave bye, if he says to keep in touch, say 'sure'--then don't." Cry in private, then get your girlfriends together and go have margaritas. go to the gym.
Some guys don't know how they feel till they miss you. Really badly. Maybe it's because their minds are on their careers or maybe they aren't as in touch with their feelings. But sometimes guys don't know they can't live without you till they try it and find out they're miserable. The first time I heard that guys thought like this, I couldn't believe it...but now I do. Sometimes they don't know how they feel in advance. If you are happy and busy, too busy to even keep in touch, he may realize what a good thing he had. However, if you throw that tantrum, it will push him further and help solidify his decision. But maybe by that time you won't want him. If he does call saying he misses you "Terribly," still be busy and nonchalant. "Oh that's SWEET!" "Oops there's the doorbell--gotta go!"
I know what kind of reaction to expect on HERE. Bring it on. But for the record, I don't mean to manipulate and be false. I mean go out and BE that woman who is nonchalant, busy, and filling your life with things that make you happy. Never let him see you sweat or hear you sound plaintive. It takes superhuman strength, but boo-hooing will only repulse him. It may be your right, but it won't get you anywhere. Making him wonder how come you're NOT boohooing, raises your stock. I don't mean to be a fake person, although I do mean fake it till you make it. But while you're faking it till you make it, go out and BE that woman, while showing your daughter good times too.
It won't be a day at the beach, but if you learn to handle your feelings in this way, there will be plenty of days at the beach AHEAD for you.
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DUMP HER
women are more trouble than they're worth
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A Few Things
1. Salon: Keep in mind that the so-called Father's Rights Activists are going to pounce every time you run an column like this. For the sake of editorial quality, it might be wise to avoid running too many advice requests from custodial mothers.
2.I agree that it does sound like this man is looking for a way out of this relationship. I say this because while it seems that he was once committed to this woman (he bought a house with her), he now seems perfectly content to leave without her. Even if this woman did end up moving to be with him (with or without her daughter), my suspicion is that the relationship would end within a year or so.
3. Frankly, the LW does not sound like she is entirely smitten with her boyfriend either. Consider the way she describes her boyfriend:
"We have a lovely, sweet, respectful relationship; we are compatible in many ways and I really can't imagine a much nicer connection."
Not exactly the words of a lover who would "beg" their partner to stay or who would be "begged" in return, are they? There is nothing wrong, of course, with a relationship that is based on security, respect, and kindness, but let's face it, the woman has basically "settled" for a man who is willing to date a single mom. She might well be able to coast in this sort of relationship for a time, but when her daughter goes off to college, will she still be satisfied?
The LW may well have to wait until she is in her 40s to find a permanent connection, but heck, she is better off than many: She has been married, has a daughter, a good relationship with her father's daughter and has enjoyed a romantic relationship for the past several years. I know that she is afraid of being alone, but her own track record indicates that this won't be the case. She just may need to wait awhile.
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Wanting him to be selfish so SHE won't have to be
The LW strikes me as a tad immature -- on the one hand she calls him respectful and sweet and caring, and they have a great connection, but on the other hand wants him to beg her to follow him...but if he did so, wouldn't that negate all those wonderful qualities of beign respectful and sweet and caring? Wouldn't asking her to follow him be a selfish demand, putting her in a position to choose him over her daughter, or bring harm to her ex?
Why on earth would he put such a dilemma to a woman he loves? What possible good would it do for him to throw down, declare he can't live without her, and insist she follow him to the ends of the earth, that everything will somehow work out, love will find a way? He knows she has a commitment to her daughter, that she's not free to just up and move...to ask her would be to assume the mantle of selfishness just so she won't have to.
What the LW wants is for him to make this demand so she can feel really loved and cared for, and then regretfully turn him down in order to do the right thing by her daughter and ex. In this scenario she gets to reject him while still feeling all warm and fuzzy about herself, while avoiding any difficult emotional risk-taking herself.
The LW is a grown up woman with a little girl fantasy of being swept off her feet. Her partner is refusing to play the role of prince - he is leaving a difficult decision to her. There is no reason in the world for him to forego his career opportunity while she remains cozily in place with all of her loved dancing attendance upon her like a bunch of trained poodles. Being a parent means making sacrifices. She doesn't want to make a sacrifice. Understandable. But to expect him to stop being the caring, sensitive respectful man he's always been and become some straight-from-the-movies Lord of Love, insisting he cannot, WILL not, dammit, live with out her! is just ridiculous.
Obviously she is not willing to make the move with him - she doesn't want to take her daughter away from her father, nor is she willing to give the father primary custody while she takes this chance at love. So, she should tell her lover she regrets the timing isn't better, that she would have loved to see what the future held in store for them, make him a fantastic going away dinner, make beautiful love, in the morning kiss him goodbye, and then insist on a 6 month moratorium on any communication so that she can move on.