"A child NEEDS to be near both loving parents, and that NECESSARILY means not moving across the country for the career ambitions of the new guy in daughter's life (your boyfriend)"

Exactly right, Noelle.

LW, how DARE you even consider the possibility of moving, and depriving your daughter of a relationship with her father. Of course, if you did move, I'd bet that you'd raise hell if her daddy was late with those child support payments, right?

LW needs to worry more about her true responsibilities, and less about a bf that's "just not that into her".

Who dated a man for almost 8 years; wherein the core struggle was one of where to live. He was wealthy and comfortable in the US Northeast; a mere 45 mins plane ride to my home town, which made commuting easy enough - for the first few years. I guess my mother hoped to take the relationship to the next stage - wanted to feel "loved enough". She asked that he get an apartment in our city, which he was certainly financially capable of doing. He countered that she move to his city, and take us with her. Becasue of our shared custody agreement with my father, this represented an insurmountable impasse.

She let him go, though I think she was heartbroken.

A year later he married another woman.

Obviously, much of this story is filtered through my mother's telling. All I know for certain is that this man, almost a stepafther to me, bought me lots of presents - but never committed to my mother or to us kids. I learned to survive through another painful "divorce".

But it would have been a hell of a lot worse if we were forced to move our city, leave our friends, and try to settle in the house of a man who clearly didn't want us.

This letter elucidates some of what my mother must have been going through during that difficult time. I am thankful she chose her love for us over her need to feel "loved enough" by this charlatan.

PS - some years later, at age 52, she found the love of her life! and now, almost 20 years later, they are married and happily growing old together!

I agree with Cary's advice, but not with some commentors' demonizing of the boyfriend. People fall out of love. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. The LW should stay with her child, that is obvious. And the boyfriend, if he is not involved enough in the relationship to want to stay in it, then he is doing everyone a favor by leaving town. The end of a relationship sucks, but I don't like this need to make someone at fault for it. The ending a relationship is the responsibility of both halves. There doesn't need to be anyone to blame.

want to deal with the issues surrounding single mothers and being forced to deal with the former husband and all that entails. This guy is a single man, without children, seeking to advance his career. The lady needs to look out for her childs best interests, not her own selfish ones.

Noelle is right, because it really hurts children very much to be forced to live at a distance from their other biological parent. Particularly when he is a nice person, as LW says.

Anonymous, blame isn't the point either. I think the boyfriend doesn't get it because you have to be either, 1) a parent who adores their child, which most do, or 2) a nonparent with an enormous empathy for the powerful importance of children's emotional lives--to understand why moving away from her father would hurt this child.

After our divorce I moved to another state for a hot job. I rationalized it as reasonable. The reality of it for my daughter was that rather than every other weekend in our home town, plus any day or night she and her Dad felt like it...she saw him every third weekend after a nearly three hour drive EACH WAY on Friday evenings and the same again on Sunday nights. Yes, they had summers and holidays, but it wasn't the same.

It was a selfish, ignorant choice on my part, and it hurt her. I can't unring that bell but if I could advise this LW (and by proxy, anyone else looking at the same choice), I'd say don't go. NOt because your BF's a bad person, just because you're in a more important relationship.

Make your child's relationship with her father AS IMPORTANT AS HER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU after a divorce, and there will be much more healing all around. In hindsight, I wish I'd just sucked up the loneliness and not dated until she was off to college.

My daughter's anguished acting out (which also had other causes) didn't turn up until age 19...it simmered during those "portable" years when she simply had no choice but to go along with my decisions.

Really nicely stated today Cary!

I think Whetstone is the voice of reason from the peanut gallery today. The guy wants to pursure a career (hopefully that's the truth!). There is nothing wrong about that. He wants to move on. It happens.

The LW must stay put with her child. That's the right thing both for the child and the father. As a parent I couldn't imagine having my children taken away to another town or state. It would kill me.

People, your children are priority number one! You made the choice to bring them into the world, now you must take care of them in a loving way!! By doing that you are loving yourself more than anyone else can.

Thanks.

Great advice Cary! I'm watching my sister who's decided to stay in a long term relationship with her boyfriend who has moved to another country and it's hell for her. I can't send her this letter because it's not my place to, but my sister spends her time and energy wondering what next she can put in his care package. He's offered no commitment at all, other than "I feel committed to you, but don't want to get married." She takes care of his house even though they didn't live together before he moved. My advice to LW: get out now. The heartache you feel will be short term, but you can build your life without him. If his career means so much that he's willing to forfeit his relationship with you, he's not your soul mate. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.