I meant to say that heddache1 is totally right. Stop attacking this woman who is in so much pain for (from what appears) no other reason than that she's a human being who made human choices. Have a little kindness.

That, or go drink yourselves a pint of blood -- some of you sound really thirsty.

How is it that the child in this case is an "asterisk" or a "trump card" to be played whenever the woman wants the boyfriend to "do her bidding"?? Huh??

Perhaps the man in this situation SHOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN WHO HAS A CHILD. By all accounts, he's a big boy and no doubt KNEW this woman had a child when they began dating and certainly when he and the woman AND HER CHILD moved in together. That was his choice as much as the woman's. It was NOT the daughter's choice, no matter how much she likes the boyfriend and/or wants to see her mother happy.

Look, I don't begrudge the boyfriend for wanting to pursue his career. However, I do blame him AND the letter writer for allowing the boyfriend to move into this child's life without clear intentions of making it permanent. I wonder if the boyfriend intends to maintain regular contact with the child, even after he moves away and even if he and the LW are no longer in a reltaionship. After all, he's been in this child's life in a major way and he owes her that much.

Actually, I WOULD say that the father has an equal responsibility not to have a new girlfriend move into this child's life and home without a clear intention (from him and the new person) that it was a permanent committment, between adults but also between the adults and the child.

I don't think the mother's a "slut" for wanting a boyfriend. I DO think, however, that it showed poor judgement to have him become what the child assumed was a permanent (and presumably positive) part of the child's life. Obviously, it's not so permanent to the boyfriend.

By the way, we don't know what the custody arrangement for this child and parents is. You're assuming the mother has full custody or at least more than "half" custody. For all we know, the child lives with each parent equally. My response is the same in any case, for either parent.

So no, I don't think it's a double standard or a renouncement of my feminist principles. I think all the adults in these situations need to be more clear-thinking about what is in the long-term best interest of these children.

In one respect I agree with Cary, you definitely should have your tantrum.

Speaking from personal experience, twenty years ago I was in a similar situation -- affianced and moving to the west coast to start work, I left my significant other to finish her degree in Kentucky, oblivious in my belief that the separation while painful would be the best way for both of us to pursue our personal goals. Three months later I learned by letter that she had been very upset that I hadn't asked or begged her to join me although that would have meant giving up the educational opportunities she had worked so hard to make possible. Our marriage was off, our relationship irreconcilable in the face of my abandonment.

But most importantly, until that letter I had never a clue that she was upset. It had been her own secret litmus test.

There are lots of reasons that relationships don't work out, but if the relationship really has meaning for you, I would urge you not to make one of those reasons be because you never even asked for what you needed.

If a woman is too goddam stupid to say what she means and articulate it, and expect you to be some mindreader, she is utterly and completely useless and you need to move on quickly. She did you a favor by being a moron. In a relationship such as that there is always the gotcha "you should've known", "don't you know how I feel", etc..... If anyones wants to be heard and establish their position, intent and feelings on a subject, fucking say it. Whether a man or a woman. This is bullshit control issue if there is a "litmus test". I would have already moved on to someone who discussed issues.

let him go, keep your dignity, forget what all of the (abusive? abused? abusers?) others wrote in response to this letter

the woman is deserving of compassion - the guy deserves to move on - sometimes it just doesn't "work" - let go and open the next door

Anonymous: The LW HAS considered the fact that her daughter's father lives close by, and it's a huge factor in her wanting to stay. I mean, hey, don't let actual statements get in the way of your hatred of your ex-wife, and all women by extension, but just know that you're completely off-base.

You're right that I didn't clearly acknowledge the fact that she mentioned her husband as a factor in staying. I don't know from what statements you deduced that it was a 'huge' factor in her wanting to stay though, I agree that it ought to be but I read one statement in quite a long letter in which she mentioned her daughter's dad and it was this one:

Although it would be possible for me to move, I don't really want to separate my daughter from her father, who is a good guy and a good parent, especially to move to a place that isn't quite as nice as this place and where I would have to start over in my career. But I'm not completely closed to the idea, which may after all be an opportunity in disguise.

That to me is a paragraph in which her worries about her career and her surroundings carry the same if not more ('especially') weight as her child's father's position. Thát is what pisses me off. Now of course I have to take into consideration that 'Anonymous' is an expert on the extent to which my feelings about my ex-partner and all women by extension cloud my judgement on this and doubtless all other matters in life, but without the benefit of extensive psychotherapeutic Freudian self-analysis I'm afraid to me it felt as if I was simply agitating against someone who considers something as fundamental as a parent's love for their child to be equally important as doubts over her own career or how nice a new city will be for her to live in. And also against the system which encourages this attitude. If this makes me a member of the 'pouncing Father's Rights Activists', so be it.

Personally I just feel like a someone who loves his child very much and the thought of someone else's power to take him away to another country (a real possibility in my case) frightens me to death. If I read about a person who is considering doing just that, than it draws from me a strong, and admittedly emotional reaction.

If you feel it necessary to draw conclusions about my state of mind, my feelings towards my ex-partner or about all women in the world then I wish you good luck, as well as a career in something which doesn't involve too many deductive powers.