I like this couple. I like this woman, her BF, and the father of her child. They are the sort of people I would probably be friends with. Selfish and selfless. I think for many people and their careers, they don't have as much of choice in terms of the location of their work. In a couple, there is almost one member who makes a sacrafice for the other. And Cary is exactly right when he says this man does not love her enough. He may love her deeply, deeply enough that he would stay if his career was in this town. But he doesn't love her enough to sacrifice his ambition or to ask her to sacrifice everything she has to move with him. Maybe he's just coward and looking for an exit, but just maybe he's a thoughtul soul who has searched his heart and found that he has enough doubt that he couldn't and wouldn't demand this woman and her child to follow him. That doesn't make him a bad guy, it just make him a guy who isn't committed. Better to make no promises than to break them. If the LW had no child and was not deeply rooted to her career, maybe she should take that risk and move to be with this man even he doesn't demand it. But ultimately she know she has to do right by her child first.

to make any firm decisions about what the BF is up to here. I was 6 months pregnant with child #2 in a very solid marriage when my husband interviewed in a city almost 4 hours drive away. The job was so much better than what he had that he really felt he needed to look into it. He was offered the position, accepted--and it truly wasn't until he was in the process of resigning from the job he was in that he processed what it would mean to leave me and our children. Our plan wasn't permanent separation, it was a complex multi-year maneuver associated with significant uncertainty--but my point is this: I'd already looked on-line at housing, schools, places for me to work. I'd already begun steeling myself to raising our children alone for at least a year or two, including the difficult first year of a baby. (We had talked--and perhaps that's not what's gone on with the LW's BF.) But for my husband, not until he was halfway across the bridge did he start to look around and consider the cost/benefit picture (He opted to stay with the local job and used the offer to leverage a better situation, thankfully). I've talked to other women with similar stories. Not to generalize--there are men who plan, I'm sure--but there are also men who wait to start planning until they know more about their options. If he's really leaving for the job, and he really hasn't asked the LW how their relationship will be sustained, then of course, he's already made the decision and she'll have to let him go. But wait until he's gotten the offer and accepted it before deciding what he's doing. I'd bet that's what he's doing.

Great advice Cary! I'm watching my sister who's decided to stay in a long term relationship with her boyfriend who has moved to another country and it's hell for her. I can't send her this letter because it's not my place to, but my sister spends her time and energy wondering what next she can put in his care package. He's offered no commitment at all, other than "I feel committed to you, but don't want to get married." She takes care of his house even though they didn't live together before he moved. My advice to LW: get out now. The heartache you feel will be short term, but you can build your life without him. If his career means so much that he's willing to forfeit his relationship with you, he's not your soul mate. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

Other than as slop to fill the inside of Valentine's Day cards, I don't think much of Cary's advice today. Maybe it's just me, but I'm in my late forties and know MANY people who are looking for volcanic, all-consuming love and are very lonely in the meantime. Sometimes love is just comforting, companionship, and partnering. I don't think it's good advice to ditch relationships just because you reach an intersection and need to decide which turn to make.

Why is LW setting up this life or death decision between her daughter and his career? And why is the answer "stay put for the daughter's sake"? Sometimes people say, today, I need to put my career before my girlfriend's daughter. That doesn't mean they don't love or are not worthy of being loved. Some people have kids AND careers, even though their kids would be better off if they had lesser careers or just stayed at home. They're not horrible people, are they? And they manage. Sometimes, they rationalize by saying the kids are better off with happier parents, and maybe they're right. And people relocate (even with kids) successfully all the time.

Maybe the real problem is that LW doesn't love the boyfriend enough to make some sacrifices in her life. Maybe we need to know why she's divorced from the first "good guy" anyway.

I hear your pain. It feels as if he (whom you love), doesn't love you enough. And that just isn't a feeling anyone wants to have. Maybe he isn't choosing between you and his career. It sounds like he does want to have both you and career in his life -- he's just not Begging you to go with him. Must he beg? Would you feel more loved if this man begged? Perhaps his personality or history has made him sensitive to begging in a relationship, and he, like you, is trying to protect himself from hurt (or perceived, vague, possible hurt). Talk to him, or show him the letter you wrote Cary. Let him know how scared you are. If he can also be a good father, and wants to be, then would it really inflict everlasting psychological damage on your child to move? It would be a sacrifice to try to coordinate opportunities for your child to see her biological father, but there will be advantages for her, too, to be part of a new, stable family. The crux is, it sounds like this man does love you, to have built this life with you and your child. Must we demand others love us in an extreme, without-us-life-would-be-not-worth-living kind of way?

Perhaps he can go first. Then, while continuing to talk to each other, you two can decide jointly if your joining him is what you both want.

Good luck!