Letters to the Editor
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Word.
When you're married or in a serious relationship, your life becomes part of the other person's life. Decisions should not be made solo, but be shared as a couple. This guy isn't doing that. He's making his choice, to leave for a career, regardless of what his girlfriend decides she wants to do. At least that's how it seems from the letter. And comparing a daughter to a career? Eeesh. The LW is absolutely right - a child is a part of you, like a limb - not something interchangeable like a career.
What kind of a parent would this man make, if he has the same feeling towards his children, or his partner's children, as he does towards his career? Something interchangeable, to be exchanged for a better model, if necessary?
To the LW: this guy isn't willing to stick his neck out for you, or his child. Unless he himself demonstrates, through actions, not just through words, that he wants to stay with you, make a committment to you and your daughter - then there's only pain to be had from chasing after him. Sadly, Cary is probably right: if he wants to leave, it's time to let him go.
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typo
your child, not his child, sorry.
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take the hint
The guy wants out of the relationship. He has other things he wants to do, and he wants to do them alone. There's nothing wrong with that at all. The letter writer needs to think about herself, and her daughter, and what's best for her daughter, as well as herself. "If he really loved me, wouldn't he beg me to go with him?" The answer is yes. But, look at it this way. At least he's doing this now, not somewhere down the line, say after your married. Move on. It's better for both of you to just move on.
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What does loved enough mean? Enough for what? Few answers can be satisfactory or realistic.
I hear your pain. It feels as if he (whom you love), doesn't love you enough. And that just isn't a feeling anyone wants to have. Maybe he isn't choosing between you and his career. It sounds like he does want to have both you and career in his life -- he's just not Begging you to go with him. Must he beg? Would you feel more loved if this man begged? Perhaps his personality or history has made him sensitive to begging in a relationship, and he, like you, is trying to protect himself from hurt (or perceived, vague, possible hurt). Talk to him, or show him the letter you wrote Cary. Let him know how scared you are. If he can also be a good father, and wants to be, then would it really inflict everlasting psychological damage on your child to move? It would be a sacrifice to try to coordinate opportunities for your child to see her biological father, but there will be advantages for her, too, to be part of a new, stable family. The crux is, it sounds like this man does love you, to have built this life with you and your child. Must we demand others love us in an extreme, without-us-life-would-be-not-worth-living kind of way?
Perhaps he can go first. Then, while continuing to talk to each other, you two can decide jointly if your joining him is what you both want.
Good luck!
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Dont let him leave - Throw him out
He has left you already.
I know it sounds hard, i guess he still lives there and you go through the motions of everyday life, but he has left you already in his heart.
Doesnt that make you mad, he is choosing his career over you, he is using you as accomidation and support whilst he plots how he will leave you - for ever.
So make it your move not his, give yourself the power to make this deciosn, say enough is enough - get out of my house and get oput of my life, then go about putting the pieces back together for you and your daughter. It may be tough but at least You left him not he left you.
And Strangly this might be the only way you can keep this person who you obviously still love (i dont guarentee it though)beacuse then HE will be put in the position to make a choice if thats what he wants to be out of your life, not as theory but as fact.
I dont think he will stay though i think he is too much of a coward to end this the right way - I think he wants you to leave him.
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Time to move on....
LW: A person who loved you would not put you, and your child, through this.
If your boyfriend really considered you, and your child, as life partners - this would be a big discussion from the very beginning. He would have sat you down, and the both of you would have debated all of the outcomes. That's what COUPLES do. They talk, argue, debate, compromise, then come to an agreement. It's a "we're in this together" thing.
That's what people who love each other DO. They think of the future - THEIR future - and discuss how to handle it.
One does not go off on a job interview with a, "Oh, I'm doing this - I'll be back on Thursday." attitude. That is - at the very least - selfish, if not heartless. The fact that you have a child old enough to really feel the effects of a move, and that he doesn't seem to respect that - it's a bad sign. It's a REALLY bad sign. It shows a lack of empathy, and of 'parenting' material.
It may hurt like hell, but you may really need to move on and carry on without him. He's already left (in his mind). You have to take care of you and yours.
Buck up, take a deep breath, and realize that you deserve more than this.
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I agree: throw the bum out.
You know, grown-up adult men actually care about children.
He's a coward: he wants to leave you, doesn't know how, is fabricating a drama, and through it all isn't for a second thinking about your daughter.
I can't promise you'll find love, but when a man who isn't married to you does this, you've been used. Don't let your daughter think this is all that will be in store for her!
Gather your courage and face the future fearlessly. Dropping him off at the airport curb might be the "hidden opportunity," after all.