Letters to the Editor
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deeper issue
Thinking of oneself as boring, uninteresting, no fun, and about to be ditched by long tern friends is a very strong sign of social anxiety that may be resulting from depression or other psychological causes.
Someone who used to be the life of the party does not just switch into unbearable because they have gotten older. What has changed is your ability to connect with your friends leading to this anxious, painful circle.
Get help in therapy, or use self-therapy to rebuild your confidence. (Some poeple get out of depressive cycles by doing. If you are convinced you are leading a boring life--plan a crazy trip, get involved with a special group or cause, learn to tell jokes, etc. Do stuff that will make you proud, and think of yourself as interesting and fun.) But dont forget that people have fun with those that are having fun themselves, and your anxiety and difficulty connecting is the true culprit here, not whether you are boring.
Take care!
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Life of the party?
Is alcohol a factor in this? I was tipped off by this phrase:
...my out-there antics aren't really appropriate anymore. It's no longer cute to be the "crazy one"...
This description strikes me as drunken, or at least tipsy, behavior. Maybe the other friends have mellowed out over the years - maybe they have kids and families, or busier careers. Maybe they're just older and their idea of fun is a great dinner party instead of a night out on the town. From the limited information in the letter, it sounds to me like the LW and his/her friends just have a different idea about what fun is now.
Personally I think Cary would be a great addition to a dinner party.
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I Hope That Someone Gets My
I don't know if Cary's response was helpful to the LW, and clearly didn't make sense to a lot of readers. But it made perfect sense to me, and I liked it very much.
Sometimes, Cary's non-linear advice works like a message in a bottle.
Jacques Lacan once said that a letter always arrives at its destination.
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Funny.
The redneck with the truckful of couches was the best part and a good ending to the column. Good one, Cary.
Zahra gave really good advice. I'd like to add that the LW should give himself permission to admit that his friends bore the living crap out of him. Maybe he just needs to quit going to those parties for a little while.
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Whoever said that Life begins at 40
...must have been thinking of re-experiencing the birth process as the beginning. Potentially very painful.
I keep trying to think of a problem worthy of one of Cary's imaginative and poetic responses, but I'm already past most of the really critical issues. Unless I want to ask about aging, but it's still too soon for that.
Frankly, I found the 40's to be mostly difficult-- with stresses around my health and in my family and at work-- and I am just glad that I survived them to arrive safe and sound in my 50's. So far, I haven't seen any mention of mid-life crisis, but perhaps that is what's really happening for the LW. Fast cars, new wardrobes and love affairs are not the only manifestations of entering the 40's, just the stereotypical ones. Some folks find a new maturity then, and it isn't always comfortable, especially when feeling pulled between having to make small talk and wanting to discuss more important issues.
[For the cosmically minded: the planet Uranus will have traveled halfway around its (84-yr) solar orbit when you enter the 40's. Think of it as representing the freedom to be who you really are, just as the moon can represent your emotional life, and the sun your ego. At Uranus's half-way point, it's natural to be reevaluating and wondering and questioning your identity and past choices. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to be 84, but of the 84-yr olds you do know, aren't they mostly comfortable with themselves?]
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So Tell Me About Yourself, [name]
That's it. That's all you need. Toss in a few:
"Really, that's fascinating! [follup question]"
They will love you.
~
One thing that amazed me when I was very shy was how many people REALLY LIKED ME. They assumed since all I did was nod and smile that I agreed with everything they said. Learning to speak up is learning to be less popular.
~
The crazy, alky, bi-polar or whatever folks are entertaining spectacles in youth. But they get increasingly disquieting with age. If that's you, get some help, and meanwhile, try being the quiet guy for awhile.
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Entertainment
The letter writer should consider giving up television. After years of watching even moderate amounts of tv people's
perceptions change.
On TV, people are beautiful, interesting, and witty. There are no awkward pauses, or jokes that fall flat.
If by some chance a show gets too repetitious, or there are a few too many pauses, the reaction is "BoRING, change the channel".
So of course people are going to feel anxious and self-conscious. It's no wonder that social anxiety has become a national epidemic.
After a few weeks or months tv-free, the LW might just find himeself to be more accepting of both himself and others.
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eye of the beholder
Cary,
Aha. I have found the answer. I'm going to quit reading your column as an advice one, and simply read to enjoy your talents. This should work out quite well, as there is usually at least one nugget of strikingly good writing - as opposed to the fact that often your actual advice is a tad hard to discern.
Reading at length about industrious elderly knuckles or knitting nostalgia is an irritatingly unwelcome sideline in an advice column when the LW isn't asking for minute details of how you, too, bore others at parties - but reading your wandering, wistful thoughts is quite pleasant when one just trips along with no destination but the pleasure of well-chosen words.
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Simple social awkwardness vs. social anxiety
DearSelf-Conscious:
What you're experiencing is social anxiety. I should know, as I felt EXACTLY this way for most of my life, until I was about 26 and finally got help. What helped me was getting to a psychiatrist who prescribed an antidepressant, which I've been on ever since. Don't get me wrong--it's not as though you can just pop a pill for every little psychic ill you experience (as the anti-psychology brigade is so fond of saying--cough*Tom Cruise*cough). But feeling like this for years is NOT the psychological equivalent of the sniffles, it's an extremely damaging, life-altering condition. It robbed me of my time, energy, and a thousand relationships I'll never have. Please, seek help from a psychological professional. Maybe what you need is long walks, some new friends, or a journal, and if that's what takes to make you feel better, great--but don't make the mistake of thinking that your head is so very different from other parts of your body, or that it can't hurt or be healed the same way. Call me a zombie mouthpiece of Big Pharma, but I wouldn't trade my life now for my previous one for anything.
Hope you find what you need soon.