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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I wonder if you subscribe to the Richard Pryor version of gender relations. In response to the question "Why are women so happy all the time?" He said that it was because they "have half the money and all the pussy."
Gender relations as an economic equation, or as some type of competition, is an interesting take on things (and in Pryor's case, funny), but is certainly too superficial to be really useful. Relationships are complicated and highly individual, and trying to break a specific relationship down based on sociological approaches doesn't really help anyone as a practical matter.
In the LW's case, he's got some decisions to make that only he can decide. I'm sure there's another side to the story that we're not privy to, and one that would probably change how we are perceiving this whole affair. To attack him, his spouse, Cary, each other, or anyone else as being somehow "wrong" here is just plain nonsense.
We'd need much more information to accurately do that.
<<Two, Brightstar, shut the fuck up, you're not swaying anyone's opinion, you're just coming off as a whiney little bitch. Seek help, seriously.>>
I do not expect to sway anyone. Can you imagine convincing Arabs to support Israel?
I do think many men think like me, and this bothers you. which is funny really and says more about where men are in this society.
Once again, the letters column is filled with people who are pushing their own personal agenda about the topic. You don't even know this woman, but you assume the worst out of her.
Maybe she is intentionally manipulating him. I don't know. There's really not enough information there to say.
Now here's my agenda: I've been in one or two relationships where I've been accused of "withholding sex." (I've also been in one or two relationships wherein *I* was always the sexual aggressor, so don't go painting the picture with such broad strokes, creepos.) And in every case the man was doing a LOT OF HIS OWN MANIPULATING. Men think it's a game, and I suspect that's half the LW's problem in the first place, because marriage and partnership is not a game. By the LW's own description he obviously believes himself to be either winning or losing. If he's "won" then he is not beholden to her. And if she's "won" then she's the partner with the golden prize, meaning she's still the one with the vagina. That's awful and I'm sure it makes his wife feel swell to be reduced to that equation. It sounds like he's not trying to engage her or her feelings. He's just trying to MANAGE the situation. Well, nobody wants to be MANAGED. We want our full humanity engaged.
And, again, it's hard to say because we don't have all the facts. But I wouldn't assume that the husband is blameless. Why would you want to keep having sex with someone who you feel is manipulating you anyhow? If that's how he really feels then that makes him complicit in what basically amounts to prostitution, by his own description. So why is everybody feeling so sad for him?
<<We'd need much more information to accurately do that.>>
Funny when it is the woman complaining we almost NEVER get to hear from the man what his side of the story is.
So why grant women that concession?
It makes no sense, unless you believe men do not deserve the considerations granted to women, in which case you are my enemy.
First, based on his reference to his wife not desiring sex whilst pregnant, we may presume that there is at least one child from this marriage.
What made me pause were three comments:
1. That she didn't want sex while pregnant
2. That she began witholding sex after the wedding
3. His complaint that during an argument that "sex can end for days or even weeks" until he gives in.
His first complaint seems unreasonable. Many women, including myself, are exhaused, sick, and miserable during pregnancy. Because men do not get pregnant, they cannot possibly understand how physically and emotionally taxing it can be. A little kindness in this respect would go a long way.
Ditto on complaint number 3 -- I hate to tell you this, but the last thing I want to do after an argument or when I am harboring feelings of resentment is to get down with it. And just how much sex is he expecting anyway. Is it really that unreasonable to go "days" without sex? (Weeks, seems extreme, but days?)
However, the sexual witholding didn't start with the pregnancy, or with the arguments, but with the _honeymoon_. And that is why I think this man has reason to reason to doubt the state of his marriage. Marriage is based on mutual love, respect, and intimacy. It sounds as if the intimacy stopped when he said "I do."
Beyond the Celexa discussion, this man must sit down with his wife and discuss, seriously, the problems in this marriage. He needs to ask his wife why her interest in sex dried up after the wedding reception. They need therapy, not simply to address the sex issue, but the reasons why they have been arguing to such an extent that disagreements can go on for "weeks."
If her answers are unsatifactory, if she is unwilling to try to discuss and address what seems to be a long-standing problem between them, then perhaps she was just a big faker going for the gold band, and it is time for him to get out of this marriage. Fast.
Period.
I'm in kind of the same boat. My wife is almost always "too tired" for sex, which nowadays happens about once every few months. This causes me a tremendous amount of emotional pain, which I've told her about, which doesn't seem to matter to her in the least.
The bottom line is that if the other person really cares about the relationship, which means they really care about you, they will do what they need to to make sure this connection stays strong. It's understandable to be tired, or disinterested for a period of time following something like a pregnancy, but it is not a way of life.
What this guy is grappling with, basically, is the fact that his wife doesn't love him. She sees intimacy as a form of leverage, while he sees it as a basic element of a healthy marriage. And now that she's lost her leverage, she has nothing left. Neither does he, but he hasn't had anything for years.
God, do I hate women like this.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
