Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
This is what I'd do if I were the LW. Keep taking the meds as long as he doesn't mind the side effects. This way he doesn't fall back into the old patterns. Go into marriage counseling, alone if his wife refuses. Once he has a better understanding of the relationship and what he really wants & can reasonably expect, then & only then should he decide what to do. One thing he needs to understand is why he stuck with the marriage to this point at all. I think that lack of sex on the honeymoon was a big indicator of things to come. Of course hindsight is 20/20.
My only concern in this is the kid(s). Protect the kids as much as possible.
<,Do you read your posts before publishing them? You sound positively INSANE>>
That is how most feminists sound to me. Imitation is flattery.
<<And the reason that we ALL know so much about you (you hate women,>>
I never said that. I do hate whiny feminists with infinite senses of entitlement though and I do think men are put upon in ways WOMEN would never tolerate.
<<the vast majority of which you bring on yourself with your hateful attitude.>>
If only I shut up and smile, everything would be OK. Men should be seen and not heard huh?
I speak for myself and hopefully for some other men. Certainly many other men have expressed sentiments similar to mine. So I cannot be the only, as you put it, INSANE one out there.
Only women are allowed to have grievances, I know. Men should forever kow tow to women and apologize for having a penis, I know. Men should be silent tools, I know.
You are as effective as Democrats at making your point. In other words, not at all.
Whatever, clown.
Interesting, this is just like an ongoing discussion being hosted by the great sydicated sex columnist Dan Savage, in finer alternative publications nation wide. I decided not to post a link due to the fact that it is a serious adult discussion of sex, but i highly recommend seeking it out. Most of the points here have already been made there. There is an initial column and two follow ups. The thrust of the discussion: withholding sex is a form of emotional violence. Very heated letters on that topic, as we have seen here.
and this is somehow men's fault.
"It is as though a curtain has been drawn aside and there stands your wife, pulling a lever that always used to work but has now been uncoupled from the mechanism."
I can just see that old man from the Wizard of Oz now..."Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
I'm sure we're not getting the whole picture here. I'd like a little more input about the circumstances around why the wife withheld sex on the honeymoon, and at various points in their lives. But unless the LW is a heartless boob that's deliberately leaving out specific details, his whole marriage is pretty sad. Call the counselor or call it a day.
This kind of a woman will eventually destroy any self-respect you may still have left..Take advantage of the fact that this anti-depressant has given you some clarity and energy and get the hell out while you still can.
One, why are some of you assuming they have kids? The only time he mentions kids at all is when he refers to them attempting to have them, he never said they were successful.
Two, Brightstar, shut the fuck up, you're not swaying anyone's opinion, you're just coming off as a whiney little bitch. Seek help, seriously.
Have you ever read Fred On Everything, Fred Reed's Internet column? I think you'd enjoy it. He shares some of your views, in a bemused way.
Having never been married, my opinion may be somewhat tainted. I just don't understand why LW and his wife got married. My understanding (never tested) of marriage is that it involves a great deal of courage, honesty, empathy and kindness.
Obviously, the wife hasn't been displaying those qualities. If she's sexually unsatisfied, she hasn't been brave or honest enough to tell him that he's way off base. If she's just deliberately manipulative, well, that's just plain mean and twisted (and she's cheating herself, too).
But I wonder if the husband is responding to her with courage, honesty, empathy and kindness. If these sexual problems have been present for a while now, it's incumbent on each one of them to say, "I'm not happy in these ways. Here's what I need, what I want, what I will absolutely not stand for, etc. And, even more importantly: Here's what I want to give to you and share with you. How can we be happy together?" And if the other party gets defensive or evasive, no matter how kindly the topic is broached, that's a pretty good indication that they shouldn't be married.
But like I said, I have no idea why they got married in the first place. They don't seem to *like* each other very much, and I figure that's the absolute rock-bottom requirement for a liveable marriage.
People are weird, yo.
My experience with high libido husbands taught me when a man says he "never gets any sex" that is translated to really mean he gets sex less than twice a day. My husband adds an additional "S" to the daily 3 S's. If you get my meaning.
Using that need as a commodity might be good idea if it worked. I can see how that would backlash in unpredictable ways. Anyway, it is a little like using food as a commodity. Paint the bathroom and I'll give bj's. Do people (non-professional sex providers that is) really behave this way?
Cary is right. Love appears to be absent in this relationship. I cannot even imagine treating anyone, let alone those you profess to love, this way.
Toshiro...I too wondered about the kids question. After rereading, I found this from the LW "my wife (especially during pregnancy) never seemed to care much about sex..." While he doesn't specifically mention children, I'm presuming the pregnancy resulted in a child, though there is no guarantee it did.
I suspect that there is a lot more to this story, and I think we'd need to hear the wife's perspective too before passing any judgment on the topic. It's not uncommon for women to lose interest in sex when the kids are young, for a lot of reasons. It's also not uncommon for women to lose interest in sex if they are depressed, or if the sexual dynamic has changed (like if they start to feel pressured constantly by their partner), or if they change their birth control pills, or any number of other reasons. It's also possible that the wife has issues from the past (like sexual abuse or sexual assault) that might be influencing the way she views and experiences sexual relationships. But we don't know any of these things - in fact, we don't really know anything about the wife AT ALL. All we know is how her husband is perceiving the situation - as her being manipulative and withholding sex. But in the letter, he doesn't make any effort to explore WHY their sex life is the way it is, other than casting himself as the victim and her as the bad guy. I'm not buying it.
The fact that she wants him to get his sex drive back tells me that something has changed in the relationship, she has noticed it, and it probably makes her feel insecure. She's used to him wanting her, and now he doesn't. She wants him to want her again. There's nothing nefarious about that. Maybe he's not showing her that he wants her in any other way, and that is something they need to examine as a couple. How else can you be affectionate and foster emotional intimacy without having sex? If you can figure that out, the sexual stuff might eventually fall into place. It can be a real turn off for women when they feel like the only positive attention they get from a partner is sexual. So this experience with the anti-depressants might free the LW and his wife up to figure that out, and to foster non-sexual intimacy in their relationship.
I'm also concerned that this couple apparently had kids and yet not once in the letter does the LW mention this as part of his stay-or-go thought process. I'm not saying you should always stay together for the kids, but their well being should at least occur to both parties.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
