Women like sex too. Despite what pop culture would have us believe, it's a rare woman who would forgo this pleasure just to manipulate a partner.

If the LW's wife is such a person, then certainly she's manipulating him in other ways. Why the focus on sex?

After a year of marriage, my husband suddenly lost all interest in sex. I had stayed attractive, was warmly affectionate, loved him. I asked what was wrong, tried lingerie, letters, gave up, gave him space, kept loving him. I moved to an attic bedroom and cried myself to sleep at night. Meanshile, he took care of himself in front of the TV.

After two years, he said offhandedly, well, I did the same thing with my first wife and with a fiancee, dunno why. Just after a year I don't want it any more. I was crushed because even more than the witholding, this told me he didn't love me. How could you love someone and hold back such an important piece of information that would hurt them for the rest of their life? Tunned out he was very manipulative and had told major lies. I was just overlooking red flags during the courtship, oooo what pretty colors.

We've been divorced ten years and it's still a painful memory.

This letter just to point out that this issue is not about gender, but...personality.

<<marriage is becoming obsolete. About 25% of young men surveyed by the Rutgers University marriage project say that they are "definitely" not getting married in the future. And, that number is growing every year. If a woman *really* loves you, she'll stay with you, married or not. >>

You describe EXACTLY how I feel about marriage. In addition to the many women who despise men unless they can manipulate them, there are lots of women desperate for kids but with no love for the guy. They will even marry a guy to get his sperm, then divorce. My brother is stuck with a witch like this.

Is there such a thing as LOVE after all? I am seriously doubting it these days. Seems men are more affectionate, romantic, and loving than the women these days. sad really.

Cary assumed the depression was a result, in part, of the negative relationship, and that's likely some of it. But we have no idea how much that depression skewed his perceptions, their relationship in general, or their sex lives. Now LW, and we, are assuming his wife only wants him to get his libido back so she can manipulate him. Again, maybe true. But perhaps he's now more attractive to her than he's been in years, and now HE'S withholding the sex. They need some reevaluating, and probably some professional help (which ought to be part of being on the medication, but, real world, may not be) before deciding where to go with their relationship.

is this pervasive chickenshit attitude women take that they cannot speak up and tell the man what they need.

I had one break my heart because she could not tell me she did not want me and allowed me to continue believing she was into me for months while I helped her get over her divorce.

It is using people. It is called EVIL.

If women want to be considered EQUALS, then ACT EQUAL or else give up the ruse.

"In addition to the many women who despise men unless they can manipulate them, there are lots of women desperate for kids but with no love for the guy."

Reverse the genders and you have brightstar's stated plan of operations. Seriously, dude, get some psychological help and quit spreading your stinking hate over here. The grown folks are trying to have a conversation.

whenever some problem appears in a marriage that is not in the woman's favor, DUMP THE USER.

fair is fair.

<<Reverse the genders and you have brightstar's stated plan of operations. Seriously, dude, get some psychological help and quit spreading your stinking hate over here. The grown folks are trying to have a conversation.>>

So you think I like to manipulate women and have never loved a woman before?

How is it you know so little about me and imagine so much?

Maybe because you are not held to any responsibility for your ridiculous, hateful statements?

And by the way, when I respond in a childish manner, it is because I am responding in a manner consistent with how many feminist women on this board and elsewhere respond to life issues. I give myself the option to act childish TOO.

Does that BOTHER you? Why? Am I supposed to be the little macho robot, only acting how women want me to act?

Do you read your posts before publishing them? You sound positively INSANE, like a shrieking lunatic rubbing shit in his hair while claiming that there's a colossal conspiracy out to get him.

And the reason that we ALL know so much about you (you hate women, you can't find a woman to like you -- wonder why! -- you've had your heart broken, you want to have kids -- yikes!! -- but can't seem to find a woman willing to bear them -- again, wonder why -- you plan to break the hearts of as many women as possible, you're in your late thirties, you're overweight, you live in Austin) is because you never SHUT UP about your personal difficulties -- the vast majority of which you bring on yourself with your hateful attitude.

Try LISTENING for a change. Try PAYING ATTENTION when the sane grown-ups are discussing issues and try to keep those voices in your head in your head where they belong and not polluting this board. And seriously, get a fucking therapist. Everyone will benefit from that (except probably the poor therapist).

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and we often enjoy mind-blowing porno sex. When I read or hear about sexless or sex-deprived marriages, I start to analyze what we have done that keeps our own sex-life alive.

First of all, I think a lot of husbands would get laid by their wives more often if they pitched in more with the housework and child care. When our son was first born, my formerly high sex-drive went out the window. After having the little baby on my body all day, I couldn't stand to be touched by anyone. I just wanted to have my body to myself for a few minutes. We didn't have sex for months sometimes. When my husband and I discussed this problem, I explained how hard it was for me to feel sexy after being a mommy all day. He responded by taking care of our son more often, giving me time to myself. Our super porn-star sex came back shortly there after.

It's not manipulation or quid pro quo, but because my husband responds and listens to my needs, I want to do the same for him. Sometimes he does the dishes when he doesn't feel like it, so that I can relax. Sometimes, even when I'm not in the mood to have sex, I work a little bit to get myself in the mood, because I know he really could use some sexual release.

Another great thing about my husband is that if I'm super busy at work or whatever and I don't have sex with him for a few weeks, he doesn't take it personally. We both recognize that there will be dry spells in a marriage for work and health reasons, and we don't get angry at each other about them. We just try to get back on track together at the first opportunity.

A lot of my married friends complain about having sexual problems with their husbands, and they have a lot of hang ups too. One woman's husband fell apart when she surprised him in sexy lingerie. Another woman's husband won't change his sexual approach, even though it really turns her off. A lot of times I wonder how something that seems so simple can be so complicated by rules and ideas of what should happen in bed.

A sense of playfulness and a genuine desire to please your partner and get pleased yourself are all you really need.