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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
You see, since my wife and I married, we've had plenty of conflict about the lack of sex in our relationship. I've always had a very strong libido, and my wife (especially during pregnancy) never seemed to care much about sex (this wasn't at all true when we were dating). We didn't have sex on our wedding night, or during most of our honeymoon, and quite frankly during most of our marriage so far."
The answer is....get into a time machine, and go back to the days before you got married.
Seriously, for you single men reading this: Have you heard many stories about men having unsatisfying sex lives with their girlfriends, then getting all the sex and BJ's they wanted *after* they got married? Or, is it usually the other way around?
Bottom line....marriage is becoming obsolete. About 25% of young men surveyed by the Rutgers University marriage project say that they are "definitely" not getting married in the future. And, that number is growing every year.
If a woman *really* loves you, she'll stay with you, married or not. And when your woman decides that she doesn't like sex as much as you do, it's a lot easier to move on if that woman is your girlfriend, instead of your wife.
I agree with CalliXCarrie's letter.
I want to add: i heard a story once about a greek philosopher (Socrates I think) who, when asked how he felt about losing his sex drive due to old age, replied that it was a relief to no longer be slave to the charms of young men.
It is not clear from what the letter writer says if he and spouse have children. If not, it is time to get out right now. It is just a matter of what is best for you. I never saw the words "love, passion, adore, connection, soulmate" in this letter. If there is no love, no passion, no connection, and you have already gone through periods of weeks at a time without sex, that should be saying something. Time to separate right now. Don't have sex with your spouse, never again. Out. End it. Good luck!
By his own account, he and his wife enjoyed sex together while they were dating. He says she stopped having sex with him on their honeymoon and since then she has been unwilling to service him sexually unless he rewards her. Although LW's letter (and several Salon posters' letters) portray LW's wife as a manipulative shrew and LW as Mr. Innocent, I seriously doubt that's the entire truth.
I think it's more likely there was a serious falling out between them during the course of their wedding -- a falling out that they have not resolved. More than likely, LW did something back then to alienate his wife, and they've been immersed in their games ever since. They both sound like emotionally dishonest people. My hope is for them to stay together so they don't infect innocent bystanders with their brand of nastiness.
If sex is pleasurable to women, they don't just quit unless something has stopped working for them. Usually it's because there's a problem in the relationship and they have become too angry with their partners to feel pleasure with them. I believe there's more going on than LW shared with Cary, and it has to do with some bad behavior on his part.
Bully for LW, he's now found an actual chemical weapon to use against his wife. Perhaps he can use increasingly strong medications to continue to subvert his sex drive; that'll really show her.
I'd say I wish them the best but actually I don't.
As a woman, I am ashamed of how many women use sex as a commodity to get what they want from their spouses/significant others. It is truly disturbing.
LW needs to figure out how much this marriage means to him before he makes a decision though. In my opinion, talking to a counselor as a couple, combined with a short separation may be a good idea before heading out the door permanently.
since we are making up the wife's part of the story:
She could have had a tough pregnancy and her hormones never got back to normal, or they shifted permanently due to the pregnancy. He doesn't sound like he's interested in her health. She may still have medical problems that involve pain. Every woman is different.
and since we don't know much about their backgrounds or ages:
Marriage is just something you do after high school in many cultural and class groups. Even if either of them went to college, they could have married too early, when all kids madly go at it recreationally. Women change hormone levels over time, with some women being most sexual in their 30's.
And I can just imagine this guy's "request for sex" from her, by the respect he shows in his letter. He obviously thinks that sex is due to him on his terms by law; she's not much more than a paid servant in his regard. Maybe he should go ahead and divorce her anyway so she can get someone who actually thinks of her as more than a hole; she deserves much more than that.
I'm amazed that no one, including Cary, called him on his stereotypical rant that diminished both husband and wife and brings out the gender war in Salon letter writers.
One of my past best friends pulled that sexual control crap constantly on a succession of boyfriends and husbands over many years.
Some people do routinely use sex as a tool for control, and there is not always some past problem in the relationship where things went astray - sometimes the person is simply a manipulator (possibly passive aggressive) who has chosen sex (consciously or unconsciously)for their leverage.
Yes, during courtship she initiated plenty of wild sex, and appeared to enjoy it - but as soon as she felt secure, the sexual control maneuvers started. They were all the more inclined to put up with the lack, and the games, since the early sex was so great - (bait and switch) and she continued to be provocative in her manner of relating and dress. Also, they hung in for a long time because when she did occasionally have sex with them (always some kind of 'reward' scenario) it would be spectacular...she saw to that.
Naturally, she had early issues that probably caused this sad flaw, but it had nothing to do with any of the men or the relationships.
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