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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
It's amazing - and amusing - how many of the people who responded to this letter think they can read a few hundred words and immediately conclude either that (1) the wife is a selfish, manipulative bitch or (2) the husband is a selfish, sexually incompentent jerk.
People, people, please, remember: We only have one side of the story and that side came from someone whose judgment and interpretaion may have been clouded from years of depression. We don't know whether he is truly a good and loving husband who has been used or a minuteman in bed who let himself go after the wedding and has horrible personal hygiene that kills the deal. We don't know if he correctly interpretted that she only had sex when she wanted something from him or if it was that she could only bear to get close to him on the few nights when he bothered to brush his teeth before coming to bed.
General advice as to what the couple should do to solve this problem is a perfectly acceptable topic to debate. Stating with absolute conviction who is at fault is, however, pointless and, when you come right down to it, rather juvenile.
2 Points
1)
I have actually had someone I had just started dating say to me, "I really feel a connection to you, which is kinda bad for you. I really want to jump you right now, but since I think you might be THE ONE you are going to have to wait" Are you serious? Does this make sense? How about, if I am the perfect guy in every way but horrible in bed, that by the time you find that out you are already emotionally invested?
2)
As a guy, and I admit that I may the only one that feels this way, let me state that how soon a woman sleeps with me has NO EFFECT on whether we have a "real" relationship. To steal from Sex and the City, if I am "that into her" I am that into her regardless of whether we sleep together BEFORE the first date or after the 30th. The problem is, if I am not "that into you", then withholding sex but dangling it in front of me like a carrot, might, I repeat might, encourage my competitive instincts, and cause me to pursue you, and once I "get" you, to continue to be with you for a while. A while.
If, in the course, of all that dating and relating, we find we actually get along and like each other, then, that's great. It's a relationship. Maybe even a good one. But it isn't a Harlequin Romance by any means.
It's like the good friend you have because you have been friends so long. After a while, that person just kind of falls into the friend for life category not because your like each other more than any other friend you have, but because you are just that used to them. I know a lot of marriages like that, a lot. People that after a year or two, looked around and said, "Hey, this wasn't really what I wanted, but I can deal, and it's cold and lonely out there!" So, they get married and have kids and "make it work".
It's funny how, it seems we put more effort and decision into choosing the right job or career, than into choosing the right mate. The majority of the men I know sound like Al Bundy when they talk about their wives. And, to be fair, the majority of the women sound like Ray Romano's wife. And it's ridiculous.
So, yes, if you are attracted to the guy, and you want to get laid, sleep with him. If he is really into you and the kind of guy that the fact you slept with him today instead of two weeks from now or the fact that you really seem to know your way around a penis is a problem, then his hangups will probably always be a problem. So you might as well do it.
Gee, the anger, the vitriol, the bitterness....ummm, that's of the responding letters from readers. Why this kind of thing touches such a nerve, I can't say! But for God's sake, people, this letter writer was NOT writing about his divorce or his child-support/alimony settlement, or the general evil of women, etc. How off-topic can you get? If you have serious, deep-seated issues about women or about your last divorce, PLEASE FIND an appropriate forum to vent on -- this ain't it.
As far as this letter writer, most posters seem to be missing the fact that he is and was severely depressed, and that's why he was proscribed Celexa. Don't you think it's possible in his miserable, wet-blanket depression, perhaps he wasn't very appealing to be around? and therefore that's why the wife's ardor cooled off so fast after the wedding? it's not easy living with a seriously depressed partner.
I can attest to the power that sophisticated anti-depressant drugs (SSRIs) can have on your mood and sex drive. They eliminate the "lows" of misery and sadness, but by the same mechanism they destroy the "highs" of joy and sexual desire. I hope this is helping this individual cope with his depression, but I am disheartened that he seems to be blaming everything on his wife. It is very rare that "everything wrong in your life" is attributable to your partner -- and if so, you both clearly need to be out of the marriage.
It's always really dangerous and misleading to read a very one-sided complaint like this letter (and why doesn't the writer even attempt to show a fair view of his wife's possible side of the equation?) and fill in the blanks, based on our own personal (distorted) experiences or anger. The wife would probably tell a very different story -- I am reminded of the bit in "Annie Hall", where Annie and Alvie are separately seeing shrinks, and she is telling her shrink "we have sex constantly, every few days" and he is telling his shrink "we never have sex, maybe once or twice a week". LOL.
When a severely depressed person on heavy meds tells you something like this, it's to be taken with a grain of salt -- he may be speaking out of the depth so of his depression and not giving you an accurate picture of the truth. We can explore all the possible ramificiations (does he have good personal hygiene? has he been helping with child care?) but honestly we can't know this.
The only possible position, in my view, is that both people sound desperately unhappy in this relationship, at least one (if not both) are very depressed and dysfunctional and at least one small child is involved. Intense therapy, both individiual and family, seems to be urgently required!
As far as the readers and contributors here: some of you need to take a cold, hard look at why this particular letter, from a depressed and heavily medicated STRANGER would set you off on such intense expressions of misogyny, rants about your previous bad relationships, or general unhappiness with society's sex roles. If you are chomping at the bit so frantically that any mention of marital problems from complete strangers gets your panties in a twist this bad, then you need some intense therapy of your own -- get it fast and get it now.
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