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Wow. A real pot-stirrer, this letter. Perhaps predictably, the responses segregate into two camps: "Stupid jerk!" versus "Evil bitch!" Distortion, anyone? The couple apparently had a good sex life in the past, so I'm guessing he's not a selfish klutz, and she's not frigid.
Things changed when they got married, and now the wife appears to be using sex as a commodity rather than an expression of affection or a thing to be enjoyed in itself; still, we don't know very much about this couple. For instance, How old are the kids? Do they sleep through the night? Do they pound at their parents' door? Are both parents happy with the division of labor, money, and time? Maybe LW isn't the only one with depression, itself a potential mood-killer.
Cary is correct, IMHO, about the repressed anger component of depression. This man is pretty angry with his wife; would it be any wonder if she were as repressed-but-angry at him? Especially if their expectations of each other have shifted from lover to spouse-and-co-parent unaknowledged. So maybe the wife only feels sexual towards him when she feels appreciated in her role as his wife and the mother of his children - hence the appearance of tit-for-tat. A recent item in Salon quotes a husband with words to this effect: (http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/01). Maybe winning an argument with him makes her feel engaged as an equal, and maybe she really needs that as the mother of young children. There’s bound to be truth in LW’s sense that he’s been manipulated. But there must also be another side to the story.
In any event, LW and his wife need to talk. Probably in the presence of a trained professional. They loved each other when they got married; the fact that they now find themselves in a rut-less rut need not be the end of the marriage.
