- Top Features:
- War Room
- Glenn Greenwald
- Broadsheet
- Joan Walsh
- Camille Paglia
- Since You Asked
- Follow Salon:
Read other letters about this article
This isn't so much of a letter on Cary's column as it is to the multitudes of male posters on this board and others I've read today on Broadsheet's Dinner Whores thread. I liked Cary's answer and I have known a few (although very few) women who have done crazy sex to get the wedding band and cut it off afterwards. But what I'd like to broach now is something radically different to address some of the repeating vitriol out there on the letter boards.
Is it any wonder that many women commodify sex when women have always been raised that way from the teen years on? Men, you really do make the rules regarding sex eventhough so many of you complain that women hold the key. Why? Because of your love of the word SLUT. Ask any man if he would seriously date a woman if she had sex on the first date, or first meeting, and the majority would say no. Oh, you might keep her around for a little while for some fun, but marriage material, no way. Of course there are the occasional longterm relationships that spring from a drunken hook-up, but for the most part, men consider anyone thats "easy" to not be relationship or mother-of their-children worthy. Because if her sexuality is her sole value and she "gives it away" so freely, she must not value herself.
Early on, women are taught that their sexuality is their most important asset. Not so long ago, and still in some cultures, men required virgin brides. Even with all the gains women have achieved in other parts of life over the last 40 years, the word Slut still is uttered easily by men and women. Female sexuality is still feared, eventhough its displayed everywhere by advertisers. We're seduced by it, but also enraged by it. Why else would men need women in burkas?
Girls are not taught to own their sexuality, only to preserve it for purity's sake. The current abstinance-only movement still targets girls more than boys. Teen girls are often treated as they are can only be victims of sex, that its only something done to them by aggressive boys, that they couldn't possibly have desires of their own except to maintain "purity". That to withhold sex is to respect yourself. True love waits. They are not taught to own their sexuality, only to manage it. How to say no. That their virginity is a "gift" to their future spouse. Once again, a commodity in exchange for a ring. The AO crowd teaches young girls that no man wants a used-up girl. Once again, their sexuality is something that is tangible, that only has so many go-arounds before it is worthless.
Please, lets not get into an STD and pregnancy debate here, I'm addressing desire and its restrictions alone...
Men can truly never understand the dilemna that women of any age face while dating. The dance hasn't changed at all for me in 20 years, only how I personally deal with the outcome of my choice.
Imagine being completely turned on by a guy, the date has gone well, you're making out and he's an awesome kisser, you really feel a connection but, whoa, you gotta put on the brakes and stop it if you want to see him again. Male friends have told me they will keep lightly pressuring the girl because its a game, to see if they can break her down since she clearly wants more and they know she's just saying no to adhere to the rules. Imagine what it is like to have to be the one to always say no no matter how much you want to keep going. That your whole worth to some men as a potential mate rides on you always having to deny your sexual feelings until HE feels its time-appropriate for you to display them.
Because your looks, your smarts, your personality never amount to the value of saying no that first time. No matter what. Instant slut, someone you'll point out to your friends at a bar as a great girl, but damn she's easy. Even women who seem to enjoy sex too much early on, when allowed to finally have sex, are suspect. Men only want you to enjoy yourself immensely after you've dutifully repressed yourself for weeks/months. Oh, and if he tries anything remotely kinky, you better act like its the first time thats ever happened.
Well, thats the position you've put women into. I've been called too prudish and too slutty in the same month. Please tell me how thats possible when I've reacted the same way in each circumstance. At times I've just went with my feelings because I could tell the rare, mind-blowing sex was right there in my grasp. I've had no regrets from those experiences because it was fantastic and I've learned much about myself that way, but you guessed it, no longterm romance ever sprang from it.
If men would only loosen the stifling reigns on female sexuality, then you wouldn't have to complain so much about it being a tit for tat bargaining chip, worth so many 4 star dinners before payout. If you'd only get over yourselves and allow women the freedom to have "high numbers", whatever that is these days, without being so insecure about how you stack up against them, you'd be getting laid more often and sooner.
But until the word slut is retired from our vocabulary as a quaint ol' term, you're going to have to deal with many women who've been raised to believe their sexuality is their supreme bargaining chip. It all depends on how fervent the message was and how independent the woman becomes as she ages as to whether she can break free of its bonds.
But of course, if she breaks free of those bonds before meeting you, you won't want to date her seriously...
