Letters to the Editor
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Ummm - what did she do ?
Because buggered if I could figure it out from that incoherent letter.
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What?
Before this woman can begin atonement she still has to set aside what appears to be an overwhelming narcissism. The husband and children in her letter are depicted as little planets revolving around wise mother until she makes a mistake, and then their lives are "irrevocably spoiled"? I don't think so. Life has pain, from many sources. And while this woman was incredibly selfish, her family, her ex-husband and her children, WILL get over it. Which is what she really can't stand, so that she must, must, make herself the center of attention AGAIN, by bemoaning the fate she has brought upon them all.
Better she simply find a quiet way to make amends to HER OWN FAMILY before seeking atonement through anonymous prisoners. The energy she would spend at that task would be better spent determining if she is capable of having an honest conversation with her children, which one would assume are grown, and her ex-husband about her remorse. Not in a theatrical 'all is lost' mode, but in an 'I fucked up, and I want to make amends. Can you help me understand how to do that' mode.
She could probably start by disowning her theatrics, and refusing to make her situation a writing exercise for publication in Salon.
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The question was cloudy but the answer clear
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Terrible Mistake
So often, we need to be comforted when we face the harsh realities of everyday life: the deaths of loved ones, the loss of a home, etc. In situations like that, we need something more than the cold, hard facts. We need people to sympathize with us or (better) empathize with us, so we can face the truth and continue our lives accordingly. Think of it as a blanket that helps keep out the cold for a little while.
Unfortunately, that sort of approach can be carried too far, as the LW demonstrates; she wants our empathy even though she may not deserve it. Her rhetoric is histrionic and overblown, and she is looking for attention and comfort from Cary and us and her family and everyone else. I don't know if a psychologist would say that she has histrionic personality disorder (and I will not venture a guess; I don't fancy myself an armchair psychologist). I do know that to deal with people who thrive on drama, you take just the opposite approach of the first paragraph: you cut the crap and stick to the facts. That's hard for people like the LW, who obviously want a healthy dose of sympathy with their advice. For that reason, it might make more sense if a third party helped LW understand what is going on and how to deal with it. I'm not necessarily suggesting therapy, I'm just saying that she needs someone who will help cut the crap and stick to the facts, like this:
To the LW: It sounds as though your situation is very difficult. I'm sure, though, that you have a family who supports you and friends who will help you. You will get better with help and with time.
Now was that really so hard?
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She left her husband and children
I ached for this woman as I read her letter. We are so often deluded by the notion that our lives are our own - that our personal actions have minimal consequences on others. It is very American of us, to imagine that we are such free spirits that we may somehow reinvent ourselves every so often without cost.
No one imagines that children can be so easy to lose. The LW, the Former Wise Mother, perhaps did not see it coming, or if she did, maybe she thought that mother love could overcome all. Would that it were so.
As I regard my own temptations, I think of her letter. Of her message that to have an affair is to deliberately poison the well your family drinks from. I work with some of the kids who took a sip. I see them, looking ADHD, all scatter-brained and random. I knew one boy whose father left and the boy appeared frozen all the rest of his days in school. A previously normal boy, frozen. He said : I have the same thought all the time - I should be in _________________. If he was living with mom, he thought he should be with dad. If living with dad, he thought he should be with mom. And the Biology lectures droned on, and he simply could not move his mind toward any other thought except longing. They gave him Ritalin and still he sat and contemplated his other life, the one he was missing by living whichever one he was in.
No one wants to talk about that part - the losing the hearts and minds of the kids part - even those of us who should talk about it skirt it. Why hurt the parent now? How does piling on guilt help? After all, it doesn't happen to all kids!
And yet - silence allows more wells to grow more toxic. It should be said: Affairs and divorce may hurt your family in ways you may not predict or control.
I thank the LW for saying it.
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The affair and the advice
To answer blackpaw's question: As I understand it from her letter, and from Cary's response, she had an affair that led to the end of her marriage. It is true that the actual consequences of her actions are as vague as her actions, because the letter focuses so fully on the regret and torment she feels.
It is understandable why Cary had difficulty providing a response. As for his advice, I'm somewhat torn. On the one hand I can see the possible value he suggests in providing aid to prison inmates. Whatever else, one would meet people who made choices/mistakes that affected their own lives and the lives of others in even worse ways. I wonder though if the advice might also backfire. This woman is so tormented that she might feel she deserves the punishment of prison. Actually being in one on a regular basis could just reinforce the feeling that she did something horrible to be in such a place. Just because one can choose to walk out of a prison doesn't mean it doesn't feel like one during the hours you are locked inside along with others working there. Also, while there are no doubt some people in prison who want to turn their lives around, there are others who aren't so redeemable. A co-worker of mine worked in a prison for many years, and she doesn't tell stories of inspirational redemption. Working with inmates can be an emotionally draining, heart-wrenching, soul-sucking ordeal. This could help pull the author out of herself enough to begin to heal, or it could send over the edge an emotionally fragile person who says she feels she can barely put on a brave face to make it through each day now.
I realize it wouldn't be a great column to read if Cary told every writer to seek professional counseling. However, in this case it sounds like the first thing she needs. I would no more advise someone to attempt to treat despair that deep without medical supervision than I would suggest someone attempt to treat diabetes or a heart condition without medical supervision. At a minimum, a professional needs to monitor her mental state and help her along the journey if she decides to proceed with using the volitale environment of a prison as a catalyst for personal change.