The Mother in law sounds evil, I agree, I'd feel the same way as the LW if I were in that position. However, I see the problem being with the husband even more than with the mother in law. Why is he not defending his wife? Why does he allow his mother to treat his wife this way? Why is he not standing up to his mother? Why doesn't he care that his wife is so angry?

Yes, this situation sucks, but it is not unmanageable (not that she'll go away, but the LW has to set the terms of the relationship). However, it is not manageable if the husband and wife are not in agreement on how to handle her. If my husband didn't object when his mother treated me like this I'd want to see bad things happen to both of them!

Cary's right. IDL is the one who's going to have to change. but he's not right about what. she's going to have to learn that she can't please MIL just like she couldn't please her own parents, through no fault of her own. she's also going to have to learn to say "no". she's also going to have to learn to stick up for herself. she's going to have to learn to communicate with her "perfect" husband. most of all, she's going to have to learn to really love herself, because that's where a lot of these problems root from to begin with.

oh, and i'd be goddamned if i'd let ANYONE withhold my child from me when i ask for it.

The LW forgave the woman who criminally abused her as a child, but now she cannot forgive the woman who annoys her as an adult.

I think the LW is filled with rage that needs an outlet, and the annoying MIL is the outlet.

Adults who feel their own power should be able to stand up to an annoying MIL.

Many here are saying, "Stand up to her!" But that's not going to work, because the LW doesn't feel powerful like an adult. That's why she has resorted to harboring violent fantasies in secret.

She's not going to be able to claim her power as an adult until she is able to release her rage about what happened to her as a child.

Once she does that, she'll probably find out the MIL doesn't feel nearly as threatening as she did before. She may even develop some empathy for the old woman. Maybe even start to like her.

I certainly identified with this one! I grew up abused and unvalued. I recently had to cut off my relationship to my last surviving relative because she simply could not stop yelling at me and telling me I was stupid. I don't abuse people. I had to learn different ways of getting along with family from what was familiar to me.

My mother in law is small, dainty, and whiny. She never got much pleasure from having kids, because what she really liked was a clean house, sex with her married lover, and craft projects. Yes, I look down on her. She's vapid. However, now that her lover is dead and she is old and helpless, we take care of her. She has never done me any harm. And her son loves her, in spite of everything. As do her grandchildren. I don't have to love her, but I look out for her interests, anticipate problems as she needs more care, and treat her politely.

My point is, mothers in law are forever. Real families are like that.

I've read five responses to writers by Cary Tennis and they are all terrible advice. Cary, honestly, get a new job. You shouldnt be doing this. You're probably doing more damage than good. I hope nobody takes your advice.

Okay, here's my take on this. This mother-in-law is a selfish, awful woman and you should do what you can to keep this harpy out of your life. She may have piled praise and love on her son as he was growing up, but it appears she has become far too connected to him. And when you came along and married his son and took him away from her, she became jealous and is reacting by doing what she can to invalidate you and make you miserable. The goal is to raise herself above you in her son's estimation.

Wanting her to die has nothing to do with your abusive childhood. Any person with self-respect and dignity would feel that way when treated as your mother-in-law has treated you.

The key player in resolving this drama is your husband. Why he's allowing his mother to treat you like this is beyond me. But he is the primary broker in this relationship, and is as much to blame in a) bringing you and his mother into contact, and b) not stopping his mother from treating you like that. He has as much blame in this situation as his mother. He needs to give her an ultimatum - either she treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve or she is not allowed to visit with you.

The only changing you need to do is to stand up for yourself and to get your husband to intercede. Let your husband know how you feel. Tell him that you wont accept it anymore, and that he needs to speak to his mother on the issue and not accept any excuses. I know it wont be fun, but you also need to stand up to her and call her on every rude thing she does. In the Thanksgiving situation, for example, tell her you've just given birth and so you're obviously not making dinner, and if that's not alright with her, she can get the hell out of your house. Show her you have fangs and will stand up for yourself.

And forget the psychotherapy. When I first studied Freud and psychotherapy, I quickly came to realize that it was all garbage, and thankfully his opinions are going out of style. Dont waste your time or money. The solution is in your hands.