Letters to the Editor
-
Take a lesson from 'Brokeback Mountain'
No, seriously! I agree with earlier posters that the LW could benefit from therapy for her own issues, and her husband could benefit from a kick in the pants. But the day to day struggle with the MIL, the petty one-upmanships, unannounced visits, baby-hogging, and the like, will likely not stop on their own. There needs to be a line in the sand drawn by the LW, to indicate to the MIL what she won't stand for anymore -- and then let it go, no need to assault her physically after that.
To wit, one of my favorite scenes from 'Brokeback Mountain' [sort-of spoiler ahead!], where Jake Gyllenhaal finally stands up to his bossy, boorish father-in-law at Thanksgiving dinner (how appropriate!). You're expecting Jake to take the carving knife and finally snap after years of kowtowing to Big Daddy, but instead he firmly turns off the TV, marches back to the table, and barks something like, "This is my house, my child, you're a guest here, so sit down and eat your damn turkey!" Daddy silently obeys -- it's like he's been waiting to be put in his place. Plus the indifferent wife manages a sly smile and a nod of respect to this long-awaited outburst. The rest of the movie is chock-full of psychological repression, but this scene might provide some insight! ;-)
-
This hits close to home
but fortunately, my situation is less extreme, even if my in-laws bug the hell out of me.
Normally, Cary's advice is spot-on, but not today. Most of the responses here have the right idea - the marriage isn't as perfect as the LW would have us believe, and the husband needs to develop a spine. If he won't do it, the wife really needs to see about ending this marriage. Yes, I know that an ultimatum between Mom and wife almost always ends in the wife losing, which is why I've never forced my husband into one. But if I were in a situation like today's LW, I would do an ultimatum on my husband in a heartbeat. If he chose his Mom, I'd say "Fine, I'm better off without you, you son-of-a-bitch! Don't let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you." Trust me, there are worse things than being divorced - such as having a horrible mother-in-law like this one!
-
Not really! And is the husband a eunuch or what?!
I highly doubt the writer really wants to see her mother-in-law dead. She is obviously responding emotionally to a situation that is undoubtedly extremely frustrating for her. Have you ever heard the comedian, Dane Cook, do his spoof on exaggerations? (If not, I recommend it; it's very funny.)
Her pain is probably warranted and for anyone who thinks otherwise, at least acknowledge that her emotions are real - please. Her husband needs to step up here. He doesn't have to choose sides, which would be immature, but expecting someone to prepare Thanksgiving dinner after a C-section is unreasonable. Not returning a baby to her mother when asked is unreasonable. In-laws interfering with child-rearing is not acceptable unless a parent is actually doing harm to the child.
It is obvious that the two women have a major personality clash and it's up to the husband to be a man, try telling his mother to back off, and [usually] stick up for his wife. The primary relationship here is husband and wife, not mother and son.
-
HATED THE ADVICE
Cary Tennis' advice in this case is patently ridiculous. He is suggesting that somehow, because of her childhood, this woman is responsible for the abuse coming from her mother-in-law. What would his advice have been, I wonder, if she had not mentioned that fact? She is responsible, yes, for her own feelings about this woman, and nothing more. There is no excuse for her mother-in-law's behaviour. It is hostile, abusive, and borderline sadistic. Who gets up from bed three days after a C-section to host Thanksgiving? This woman needs to have a talk with her husband -- a serious one -- and set boundaries for her mother-in-law NOW.
-
Cary Tennis is out to lunch...
His advice is absurd. Why anyone seeks advice from an online hack is beyond me.
-
Lay Down the Damned Law
Oh, come on.
This dame needs to be taken out to the figurative woodshed and have her geriatric buns slapped.
Unless Cary's right...after all, there was barely a mention of the husband's position in all this. Might the daughter-in-law be overreacting a mite?
Incidentally, there's a wonderful, spiky shrub grown as an ornamental in Indonesia. It has long, sharp leaves. It's name is, "Mother-in-Law's Tongue."
-
Lay Down the Damned Law
Oh, come on.
This dame needs to be taken out to the figurative woodshed and have her geriatric buns slapped.
Unless Cary's right...after all, there was barely a mention of the husband's position in all this. Might the daughter-in-law be overreacting a mite?
Incidentally, there's a wonderful, spiky shrub grown as an ornamental in Indonesia. It has long, sharp leaves. Its name is, "Mother-in-Law's Tongue."
-
Who hasn't felt that way?
I'm not saying cut the harpy's brakelines, but people like this rely on you believing you have to be subtle with them even when they blatantly pretend not to get it. So don't get subtle. Tell her point blank what's up.
-
Mamma's boy needs to grow a spine before it's too late
Yikes the psycho babble is getting thick.
I understand the LW's threats of murder are not real...just a good morbid sense of humor to express her feelings. She doesn't need therapy this is just the nature of relationships playing out.
Mom's living vicariously through the success of her son and envious of his wife's success and sees her sons wife as clear competition for her love. The Grandchild is just the next turf war.
Until mama sees the wife as something other than competition the relationship won't change. A trip together just the 2 of them might help but it's a long shot.
Sounds like whenever the family is over LW is reduced to the role of rented womb and full time maid. Who can blame her for her fantasies.
-
Too Insightful Sometimes
Cary is insightful, he's a good and often inspired writer, but sometimes he's too damned measured. He's like a nutritionist who recommends that, once again, you get the spinach salad because, well, it has beta carotenes and whatnot. But sometimes you just go for the damned cheeseburger. You just do, or otherwise eating loses its joy, and all the beta carotenes in the world won't help you then. This is one of those times. Whatever her past, this lady is under no obligation to take shit from that old biddy. Realistically, it will only increase her resentment and undermine her self-esteem if she bites her lip and plays nice.
So let the old bitch have it, I say. It sounds like the LW's husband has done a decent, if not stellar, job of defending her, so I would stop short of saying anything that would truly alienate him. Bitter sarcasm would be the best tool for this job. Immature? Suit yourself, then, have another spinach salad. (Does it really have beta carotenes? I was just guessing.)