Hallelujah, Cary. You're back!!!!!

Great response.

I wouldn't change a thing.

And it's true...nutty MIL won't change...only the LW can change her response to nutty MIL...

Bravo....Cary! Whatever inspiration came to you to write this, keep it coming.

--Mary

Just because LW is married to this woman's son, it doesn't mean that she should take mistreatment from the MIL. I agree with the other readers here who have suggested setting boundaries and learning to say "no." Also, there have been some dead-on correct comments re: the husband. If the husband won't agree to put up a united front and tell his mom where she can stick it, then this marriage is doomed. Sounds like he also needs to wake up to the fact that it's his WIFE he is going to spend the rest of his life with (presumably), not his mother. It's not his mother he needs to be working to keep happy, it's his WIFE.

Just because someone is "family" does not mean that you have to allow that person into your home. My advice, not that anyone is really asking, is for the LW to sit down with the husband and TELL him how things are going to be from here on out, because he obviously is in denial and won't do anything about it himself. Leave emotion out of it and just sit down and discuss the changes that are going to happen, as far as boundaries and what the LW will tolerate in the future. No more snide comments, no more showing up unannounced, no more spreading false information to people, no matter how seemingly insignificant said information is. And anytime the MIL addresses the LW incorrectly (ignoring her title) LW will IGNORE her MIL. MIL is rude and should not be allowed in their home. In other settings, she should be ignored whenever she makes rude comments or when her behavior is selfish/childish. Nobody would put up with that kind of treatment from a friend, so the same goes for family.

I repeat: just because someone is "family" does not mean you have to have a relationship with the person, or for that matter, spend any time at all with them. And for those of you who are about to jump all over me for saying that, save it, because I already know what you're thinking: that because the LW married this man, she married his family. NO SO. That is an archaic way of thinking. She married her husband, and therefore is related to her MIL by legal definition ONLY. Just because there's a piece of paper involved does NOT give the crazy MIL control over anything in her son's life and someone should tell this old bat to butt out. Ideally, it should be the husband, but I doubt that will happen. Therefore, the LW needs to take matters into her own hands and put a stop to this nonsense. If the husband doesn't like his wife asserting herself, then he should realize that he could have done something about all this a long time ago so it didn't have to get to this point. He's as much at fault as the MIL.

LW also needs to realize that she is under NO obligation to attend family functions/holidays where she is mistreated. If the situation is harmful and toxic, then stop attending. Crazy MIL will catch on. Or maybe not.

I agree with Cary in that the LW should get some therapy, it can't hurt. Thanks for reading and good luck.

Jeffrey,

Cary told her to get therapy and change herself. What did you want to see - Cary calling this woman a psycho? How many letters do you think Cary would get if he regularly responded with stuff like, "I call bullshit. Something's wrong with you. You're full of it."?

It's Cary's job to give empathetic advice to the effed-up people who write in, not to put them down for your amusement. What is this, the Jerry Springer show?

(I guess, now that we can comment on the advice column, it kind of is.)

I also had a rocky relationship with my MIL at the beginning because although I wanted to get along with her, I also set limits in the relationship. I can understand how upset the letter writer must be feeling because the examples of her MIL's disrespectful treatment are pretty awful. Therapy would be helpful for the letter writer to learn how to set limits and how to respond when people treat her disrespectfully (although I'm sure there are also some great books on the subject too.) Also couples/relationship counseling would probably be of great benefit too since her in-laws behavior is threatening the foundation of their marriage since the husband does not seem to help the wife deal with his mother's awful behavior. (It's his family so it's not fair of him to expect that she deal all alone with those tough situations and comments. Certainly wouldn't she stand up for her husband if her parents belittled him in front of her?)

The letter writer needs to learn that her husband's "perfect" childhood was truly a family fiction (as an earlier person suggested.) Really does the treatment she has received by her MIL seem to suggest that this person is sensitive and caring enough to raise a "perfect" family? Her husband obviously had a very different childhood... but the more the wife gets to know the family, the more she might begin to realize that different doesn't always mean better. One advantage that she might not realize that she has is that she knows how her messed up childhood affected her... knowing your problem is a major step towards healing. However her husband's family dynamics are much more shrouded in mystery and denial... she can't quite put her finger on the disconnect between how a person can be a "perfect" mother and yet treat her daughter in law so horribly. Perhaps the Mother in Law realizes that her Daughter in Law is the only person who can see through her and has the power to blow away the carefully crafted "perfect family" myth that this MIL has worked so hard to project to the outside world?