Letters to the Editor
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Blame the husband
In our family, my wife and I made a rule from the start: you deal with your own blood relatives.
It sounds like the husband agrees with the letter writer but is not standing up for her. This is what he should say when Mom repeats a question: "I agree with Susie." This is what he should say when Mom doesn't pass the baby over: "Ma, please give Susie the baby." etc.
It's hard enough to deal with conflict with your own parents; conflict with your in-laws is to be dealt with by your spouse.
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She didn't ask what to do about her mother-in-law
LW asked:
>>I wonder if my past colors the way I feel about my mother-in-law.>>
And the answer is YES.
Get some counseling to work on that and her petty actions won't affect you the way they do now and won't push you into being petty back at her.
There is no way to change annoying people, you have to just figure out how to not let it annoy you any more. That includes letting stuff flow by, and saying no. Choosing to NOT sink to her level to fight back is another method. For example, getting upset that she doesn't address cards to you as "Dr." since you have a PhD. My MIL addresses cards to me as Mrs. blahblah even though I kept my maiden name. So what? I don't care! I'm just glad she cares enough to send me a birthday card! I always understood it isn't proper to address a PhD as "Dr." socially anyway. Our egos want us to make big deals about such little things and we have to remind ourselves to step back, laugh, shrug shoulders and walk away.
peace
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Am I the only one?...
When I read today's letter, alarm bells went off in my head. For one thing, all of the language in this letter is so overly dramatic. LW doesn't just say that she had a difficult and/or abusive childhood that she's dealt with. She gets graphic, saying that she was hit, kicked, etc. etc. But yeah... she's dealt with it. She doesn't just say that she has a good relationship with her husband, it's "perfect." In other words, I see in all of LW words self-editing, I see (or imagine, possibly) that she is trying very hard to convince Cary of something. Possibly this is just her writing style, but call me crazy or too cynical -- my intincts are calling bullshit.
Her language when discussing the MIL is similar, and nowhere do I see an iota of understanding for another human being's complex emotional state. MIL wanted to invite people to your wedding? MIL has a hard time dealing with her new position as #2 woman in her son's life? MIL wants to be cherished, valued and respected as a MIL, a grandmother,and a mother? OH MY GOD. Call the cops right now.
Most tellingly, she alludes more than once to her MIL's uneducated state. Her repulsion for MIL's "Fourth Grade Education" is overwhelmingly clear to me, a casual reader. How clear do you think it is to the MIL? Even with a fourth grade education, it is pretty easy to tell when someone is looking down on you. How do you think MIL feels when she is embarrassed in front of other people, derided, corrected and made to feel worthless? Do you really need to tell someone that you didn't name your kid after them? Why? What do you stand to gain from that? Let her have the bone, LW. Since you're so educated, and have the "perfect" marriage, you probably can afford to give her some credit now and then.
That's not to say that any of the examples raised by LW are okay, on their own. And it's not to say that in a dispute between wife and mother, the son shouldn't make his job be the one of the peacemaker. But I'm sensing that there is a lot more going on behind the scenes, and that this scenario is less one sided, and more two desperate women battling for the affections of one man. I think LW needs some help to become more balanced, and dare I say it, Madame Scientist, less needy yourself.
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Some MILs must be the center of attention
I was amazed when I read the letter about the Mother-in-law. She could have been my late MIL. Except that mine was highly educated, a successful businesswoman, etc. Mine was a complete queen bee who expected the world to revolve around her, and woe to the person who did not do as s/he was commanded.
My kids' birthdays were not even about them, they were about her. I never got to sing Happy Birthday to my kids because as soon as I went into the kitchen to get the cake/matches/coffee/whatever, she would start the song.
Christmas meant her gifts had to be opened when she arrived, rather than when the family was all together.
As she got older she became more and more self-centered until finally when her health began failing, she was put in a nursing home. Her antics there were so bad that she got kicked out.
At the end of her life she paid huge amounts of money for caretakers who would put up with her eccentricities, even though she could have done much to actually care for herself.
Her grandkids were glad to see her go. The command performances were tedious. She expected visits from them (an hour's drive each way) but after they had been there 10 minutes, she was bored with them and she just wanted to talk about her.
I could go on and on. There were times I enjoyed her but most of the time she drove me up the wall.
LW is tied to this woman for the rest of her life because of the child. LW needs her husband's support, a sense of humor, and someone she can vent to about her MIL. LW is not crazy. Cary does not really understand this situation.
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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
What I would do if anyone EVER refused to hand me my baby is:
I would get up, walk to MIL and using very serious (not threatening, but serious) body language, remove my child from her arms. Wordlessly. And promptly.
There would be no "Please pass the baby." Or waiting hopefully for backup, for hubby to echo, "Please pass our child to her mother as she asked."
NUH-Uh. Assertivenss doesn't always have to be tortured verbal dialogue. Doesn't have to be violence, either, but a mother animal takes her child when necessary. Period.