I tried being nice, etc. It does not work. At the end the only thing that worked was brute force: they expect you to cook Thanksgiving dinner? don't do it - let them order pizza. They do not give you your child? grab your child. The abusive behavior will diminish slowly. It works !

I thought my in-laws were pains (they're evangelical Christians who keep sending Jesus stuff to me and the kids, even though we're very observant Jews. . .long story, won't go into it here), but this MIL is just really terrible. No doubt about it.

I don't think there's any meeting-her-halfway opportunity. My advice to the LW is, like others' advice, to be assertive. Just grab your baby back. Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner (say something like, "Sorry, I'm tired, here's a list of restaurants; you can order take-out."). Don't even think about how she identifies you. Counseling may be a good idea, but only to help you cope with your own frustration. But don't even bother trying to get along with her, just avoid her and blow off her expectations and demands. (That idea of viewing her as an anthropological specimin isn't too bad, either.)

I really doubt that any of these problems have much to do with the LW's past. I had a great childhood with wonderful, loving parents and siblings who remain my best friends, and I would also hate this MIL.

This MIL sounds very like mine. No one ever called her on her bad behavior and so the new in laws (married to her children) had to put up with a lot of BS. Each of us dealt with it in our own way. After 20 years we ignore her. I mean actively. We all just spent Christmas together for the first time in about 20 years. I realized after I left that I had said nothing to her for 3 days except Hello, and shooting down one of her petty insidious topics of conversation before it got off the ground. No goodbye either. It was the most peaceful Christmas I had ever spent with her in the room.

I recommend that you stop the MIL's bad behavior whenever it rears its ugly head. It will never stop. It will never go away. Learn to say no in whatever way is appropriate for your situation. Some feathers will be ruffled and there will be crying (been there). Don't feel guilty. Stand up for yourself and your child. No one should have to put up with that kind of behavior, especially in your own home.

I've read five responses to writers by Cary Tennis and they are all terrible advice. Cary, honestly, get a new job. You shouldnt be doing this. You're probably doing more damage than good. I hope nobody takes your advice.

Okay, here's my take on this. This mother-in-law is a selfish, awful woman and you should do what you can to keep this harpy out of your life. She may have piled praise and love on her son as he was growing up, but it appears she has become far too connected to him. And when you came along and married his son and took him away from her, she became jealous and is reacting by doing what she can to invalidate you and make you miserable. The goal is to raise herself above you in her son's estimation.

Wanting her to die has nothing to do with your abusive childhood. Any person with self-respect and dignity would feel that way when treated as your mother-in-law has treated you.

The key player in resolving this drama is your husband. Why he's allowing his mother to treat you like this is beyond me. But he is the primary broker in this relationship, and is as much to blame in a) bringing you and his mother into contact, and b) not stopping his mother from treating you like that. He has as much blame in this situation as his mother. He needs to give her an ultimatum - either she treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve or she is not allowed to visit with you.

The only changing you need to do is to stand up for yourself and to get your husband to intercede. Let your husband know how you feel. Tell him that you wont accept it anymore, and that he needs to speak to his mother on the issue and not accept any excuses. I know it wont be fun, but you also need to stand up to her and call her on every rude thing she does. In the Thanksgiving situation, for example, tell her you've just given birth and so you're obviously not making dinner, and if that's not alright with her, she can get the hell out of your house. Show her you have fangs and will stand up for yourself.

And forget the psychotherapy. When I first studied Freud and psychotherapy, I quickly came to realize that it was all garbage, and thankfully his opinions are going out of style. Dont waste your time or money. The solution is in your hands.

I certainly identified with this one! I grew up abused and unvalued. I recently had to cut off my relationship to my last surviving relative because she simply could not stop yelling at me and telling me I was stupid. I don't abuse people. I had to learn different ways of getting along with family from what was familiar to me.

My mother in law is small, dainty, and whiny. She never got much pleasure from having kids, because what she really liked was a clean house, sex with her married lover, and craft projects. Yes, I look down on her. She's vapid. However, now that her lover is dead and she is old and helpless, we take care of her. She has never done me any harm. And her son loves her, in spite of everything. As do her grandchildren. I don't have to love her, but I look out for her interests, anticipate problems as she needs more care, and treat her politely.

My point is, mothers in law are forever. Real families are like that.